The Christmas Spirit

Many of you know that I am not a religious person, so guess what won't be discussed in this post.  I believe people are kind and caring because they recognize the need to be so and see that others also need it.  That is all.

However, I have not been in the Christmas spirit of late.  It has been a trying few months, in fact, the last 6 months since I wrecked my bike have been pretty shitty.  Things are starting to turn around, but it is happening slowly.  I know if I can just hold out, it will all work out in the end but the holidays are stressful already and not having a steady income makes it worse.

I refuse to lament on the bad though because that is the direct opposite of what I have set out to write about.  Yes, I broke my knee in a bike accident, I totalled my bike, I've lost my job, and my husband was in the hospital.  These things have all added to my stresses.  In an attempt to be less of a pessimist, here are the good things that have happened lately.

We all have our health.  We did have a bit of a scare and have been in and out of the emergency room lately, not to mention or 500 trips to the pharmacy, but we are all living and breathing and ambulatory.  As far as I am concerned, we are winning here.  That is plus number one!

I was worried about Christmas, money wise.  Now I know that is not the true meaning of Christmas and it is more about giving and kindness than getting, but my children are small and I wanted to make sure they, at least, got some joy out of the season.  We were assigned an Angel this year from a local Angel tree and she was kind enough to provide us with a few gifts.  We pooled some resources and were able to get a few other small things.  Our kids will be taken care of.

I was not sure if we would have a tree this year so I asked all of our friends to send up Christmas cards so I could fashion a tree out of them. Well, the response was nothing short of awesome, I had no idea we had so many friends willing to send us cards. A very good friend of mine also sent some little cake bits (which my kids LOVE) and somehow managed to get her friends to send us a few little monetary boosters as a surprise.  I nearly cried at the gift of money and gift cards from complete strangers.  Because of this wonderful surprise, I was able to get my kids something nice that I think they will enjoy and still have some money left over. I nearly cried at the gesture, and I am not one to cry easily.  So THANK YOU to those people.

We were also worried about not being able to see family this season.  With all we have been going through, we just didn't think we would have the time or the money.  Plus, we had to find someone to watch our tiny zoo while we were gone.  Turns out, we are pretty damn resourceful, much more so than I thought.  We may be going home giftless, but we will be going home.  I cannot wait to spend that time with people we love, see the joy one the kids' faces, eat until I want to burst, and laugh until tears are streaming down my face, because, really, that is what Christmas is all about.

I have my health, my family, and we are not so bad off as to be living on the street and starving.  Yes, it is a lean year, and those are bound to happen.  By this time next year, we will have this all figured out and we will be in a better place.  All we can do is keep moving forward and try to squeeze every last bit of enjoyment out of the time we have.

In short (haha, I'm funny) I just want to remind everyone that no matter what situation you find yourself in, keep looking forward.  Don't hang your head and wallow in your own self-pity.  I've been there, all it does is make you feel worse.  Pick that head up, put one foot in front of the other and face your troubles head on.  You may be battered and bruised, but you are not broken and if you keep fighting, you WILL win.

Mental Health is No Joke

I struggle with depression and anxiety. I have for years, it's pretty hard to get people to understand an illness they can't see.  I have been on and off of medication a number of times.  Most recently I have been struggling pretty hard and had to go back and get put back on meds.  When this happened, I tried to explain the way my thought process worked to those around me, to tell my family what triggers my problems and when I just need to get away.  They never could understand.  Things continued as usual, and I often felt ignored and like no one seemed to even acknowledge I had a problem.

My husband has just gotten out of the hospital, he had a really bad form of pneumonia and had to spend nearly a week in the hospital.  While he was there, he took a step back and took a look at his life and the things that go on around him. He took the time to learn to breathe, to put things in priority order.  Due to his stay, he has a new found perception of mental illness.  He has finally suffered a bit of it himself and when he tells me about all the issues he is having to deal with, I just kind of nod because, I FUCKING KNOW!

In a way, I want to be grateful because he finally understands what I go through and this will make it easier for us to communicate our needs to each other and know when the other needs to just back off and give space.  On the other hand, it upsets me that he never bothered to wonder or understand my issues until they related to him.  I get it, but it doesn't make it any less upsetting.

So now I joke with him and call him Buddha because of his newfound Zen and his mottos and his processes. I'm glad he is getting better, but at the same time, I hope if he does, he doesn't lose the understanding he has gained through this process.  I get a little aggravated at the Zen preaching, but if that's what he needs, ok.  I'll deal.

In short, do me a favor and listen to those around you.  If you love someone and they are diagnosed with a mental illness, take the time to listen, talk through, and figure out what they are going through. Even if you don't really understand, be open and pay attention.  Make it known that you are there when they need you but can back off and leave them be if they need space.  Be aware, be present. Don't wait until it affects you to change your perspective.  Don't let it get that far.

It is a relief to finally be understood, to be able to say things and have him know that I'm not just being a cranky bitch, to know that I can't just "deal with it".  I just wish he would have gotten that perspective long before he had to deal with it himself.  Keep your loved ones close and try to understand what they are going through, if you just don't get it, ask.  It will make it much easier on all involved.

Crazy Weeks

Some of yall may not know this, but I have been having the craziest week on record.  Just nuts.  My husband has been in the hospital, I've had to wrangle the kids, take care of the house, and try to squeeze in time to work all on my own.  I have mad respect for any single moms out there, it's tough. I have never been so tired in my entire life!

I have, however, had a number of people step up and make my week a little easier and I appreciate all of the help.  You guys don't even know how much even the littlest actions impacted my life this week, whether you just came over to visit, or took some time out of your day to check up on me, I really appreciate it.

Good news is, he will be released today. That doesn't mean our problems are over, but it does mean no more juggling hospital visits to see my main man.  It's gonna be nice to have him back home where he belongs.  Hopefully we can get him back to 100 percent and get our lives back to normal.

Want to hear something interesting and totally off topic?  Most of my blog views come from Russia. HELLO RUSSIANS!!  Thanks for checking out my page.   I mean spacebo and all that.  I don't know how to make my keyboard type Cyrillic.  Sue me.  Anyway, thanks for tuning into the shit show that is my life.

What other strange and interesting things can I discuss today?  Really, I've got nothing.  I need to figure out what to do with this blog to keep it interesting and fun.  I'm at a loss.  Any suggestions would be helpful....I'm looking at YOU, Russians.  Yall give me topics, I will literally write about anything.  Help me keep my blog alive!

Sick house

Everyone in  my home is sick!  Everyone but me (knock on wood).  What does it mean when everyone is sick but me?  It means I get nothing accomplished.

Luckily, one of the kids is coming of his. He had pneumonia!  What!?!  My other son was struck down with strep throat.  I have no idea what my husband has, but it's had him on his ass for 4 days.

There has been no house cleaning, no projects, no grocery shopping.  Nothing.  The house is dirty and empty.  I'm really hoping I continue to avoid whatever the hell it is that has knocked my family into this horrendous tailspin. 

On the upside, we are wracking up a killer amount of pharmacy points.  I think I've been there everyday.

There isn't a real point to this post, just a rant about how I hate having my routine interrupted and would like for everything to get back to normal as soon as possible. 

New Directions

No, this is not a blog about Glee.  I could probably do that, but now is not the time.  My new directions are phenomenally different, mostly because I can't carry a tune.  For as much as I love music, I was cursed with the inability to master and instrument and a horrible singing voice.  The world played a cruel joke on me.

My new directions are moving towards writing.  Since I lost my job, I have been trying to figure out ways to make money from home, I simply don't have the patience to deal with people.  I need a job where I can work on my own time, and do things my own way.  A very good friend of mine pointed me towards a site that helps freelance writers find work.  So far, I've done fairly well there.  Nothing that will get me rich overnight, but I at least feel like I'm helping with family finances.  I don't make near as much as I would working at a menial, minimum wage job......yet.  I am learning new skills and building a reputation. For the most part, my clients are thrilled with my thorough research, writing skills, and quick turn around. The big plus is that I can work when I want, within reason, and have the ability to be here at home when my kids are sick, or participate in school functions with them.  I have missed way to many school parties because "I had to work".  I'm done with all of that.

It has been hard starting out, mostly because the holidays are upon us, and I am making little money, but I feel confident that as I learn new skills and hone my writing, I'll pick up bigger jobs and make better money.  I also am learning to do a few crafty things that I may be able to sell in the future to help.  Most of all, I am doing something I enjoy, which is a nice change.

I have decided to try my hand at writing a book.  I don't know how it will go, I tend to do better with the more non-fiction things I can research.  I love to focus on details and I feel this will make any fiction attempt of mine far to slow, as far as reading goes.  I'm not sure though.  I have been developing these wonderful characters in my head for some time, but have been loathe to lay them out on paper.  That ended last night. I wrote the first 3 chapters for some of my favorite characters. I'b beginning to realize that choosing my favorites to write about first might be a mistake, because I don't thing there is a plausible way to turn there story into a serial, and I don't know if I will be satisfied with my first attempt enough to have "wasted" my favorites.

I do, however, really fucking like them, so I'm going for it.  I've got a couple of beta readers lined up to help me tweak the flow and movement of the story, as well as read along for errors in spelling and punctuation.  I have been researching how to self publish, in case I ever get to that point.  All in all, I have been working hard.  I had never dreamed of writing for a living, but sometimes your dreams never do become a reality, but your reality can become the stuff of dreams

Holidays!!!

Good evening!!

Or night?  I dunno, it's nearly midnight.  I figured it's been awhile since I have been on here and updated about how my life was going.  We will start with the diet and exercise bit and get that out of the way.

I have not been exercising.  I know "I don't have the time" is an excuse, but to be honest, I spend all my time writing and researching.  For now, with no job, it's hard to keep up and I am constantly looking for ways to make a little extra here and there.  For now, that's writing.  I do alright with it.

As far as eating is concerned.  I don't really do much of that either.  I know, that's bad, but I'm not hungry.  I'll grab a snack or something, usually popcorn or some chicken or tuna salad and a slice of bread, but for the most part, I eat maybe on meal a day.  I tend to get up to late to eat breakfast, because I stay up late writing or researching.  I usually don't eat lunch because I know I'm going to be starting dinner almost as soon as the boys are home from school.  So, I use that time to write.

I am also looking at a few other ways to make some income.  I'm not particularly crafty and I haven't come up with a unique item that would probably sell, so I'm a little stuck there.  Still not overly worried about it.

Now, on to the good stuff.

Everyone tries to be thankful for what they've got when Thanksgiving comes around.  They do their best to look around and appreciate the wonderful people and things they have in their lives.  I am no different.  Being without a job is hard, having no money is hard, catching up is hard.  You know what?  I don't feel any hardship.  I have looked around, taken stock and come to terms with what I've got.

I have a wonderful family.  My husband and my kids are the light of my life.  My man takes care of us and, even though he tends to be a worry wart, he takes the time to hear out my next zany idea.  He is supportive of me.  What more could a girl want?  My kids.  Oh man, my kids are something else. As infuriating as they can be at time, I love the little buggers more than my life.  They have so much to offer and see the world in such interesting ways!

Over Thanksgiving break (from Thursday to Sunday) I also had many opportunities to spend time with some of my extended family.  My mom came to visit from Kansas and I spend pretty much all of Thursday through Saturday with her, either at my home or at my aunts house.  On Thanksgiving we had an awesome meal with turkey and ham and all the ooey gooey goodness that gets set on the table.  For the first time in my life I wasn't completely miserable when I finished eating, which means I did good in stopping when I was finished and didn't overeat.  It's a small accomplishment but there it is.

There was some drinking, some football, some bunko.  Oh man is bunko ever fun!  I admit we were a loud raucous group that night! My brother came over, as well as my uncles brother and sister in law. It was a relatively small gathering but still incredibly fun.

We were there again on Saturday and played some cards.  I do love cards.  Russian Rummy or some such mess is what we played, and I whooped their butts!!  I am the queen!!  My cousin came home from her trip to Kansas about then so we went ahead and played some more cards.  Lots of laughing and memories were made.

Sunday, we got an unexpected surprise.  My husbands brother, his girlfriend, her daughter and mom all came by on their way through.  They are on their way to Disney World, but made a stop so they could stretch their legs and spend some time.  It was a nice surprise and a chance to see old friends and make a new one.

In short (haha) I haven't slept much, I'm so tired and my house has been trashed, my kitchen is a total wreck, my kids are exhausted, but I am also so happy.  I am grateful to have been able to enjoy this entire time with my family, have fun, and make memories.  Weekends like this are the ones that stick with you.  They may seem like simple little things to most people, but to a few of us, these little things are the world!

I hope you did as well on your Thanksgiving as I did on mine.

Approaching Holidays

Man this has been a crazy week.  I find myself writing so many articles that I forget to update my own blog!
To be honest I really don't have much to update.  I have a crazy sleep pattern and having been getting up early enough to exercise.  I've been focusing on my food intake, so that's helpful.  My main focus at this point is to make money, not only to cover our bills, but also because Christmas is coming up.

I'm not really nervous about the holidays.  Before when I was in weight loss mode, I would get all super stressed out about what I was gonna eat.  I'm done with all that.  This year I'm going to focus on other things besides the food. I'm going to enjoy time with my family, my mom is coming.  I'm gonna play some card games and generally have a good time.  That's what it's all about afterall.

I do need to work on getting my sleep pattern under control.  It's crazy how when I was working I never had time for anything, but now that I'm not, I still have time for nothing.  How does that work out?

I have been doing a lot of research lately and I think I came up with some great homemade gift ideas that I can also turn onto things to sell throughout the year.  I'm pretty stoked about that.  With a little investment I can make a lot and hopefully sell quite a bit.

Inches Matter or a Matter of Inches

Guys!  I can not begin to tell y'all how important it is to ditch that scale and find other ways of measuring your success.  And I say success because that is what you will get.  A slight up fluctuation can send you into a tailspin and make you feel like a failure, that is the problem with weighing daily or weakly.  I can honestly say that I have NO IDEA how much I weigh right now.  While I'm not altogether comfortable with the shape of my body, I'm learning new ways to use it, to change it, alter it to be the body I want it to be.  I don't care much about society standars, I want to be fit, healthy and strong for me.  Ok, mostly for my poor knees, which actually means I will have to weigh less, but that's kind of like an added benefit to this whole thing.

So today, after my kettlebell workout (which totally kicked my butt today,) I went for my usual 3 mile walk.  It rained a bit so I got a little wet.  I mean, that's what happens when you walk out in the rain!  Anyway, when I got home, I noticed my shirt seemed a little longer than usual.  I figured maybe cuz it was wet?  No matter the case I went ahead and did some chores, showered, etc.  The next shirt I put.....also seemingly really long to me.  Maybe I just never noticed they were that long, but I'm pretty sure when I wore these and put my hands over my head, my belly would hang out. "Hello world, look at me, the grotesque underbelly, behold my pale and flabby fabulousness!"  So I did an experiment.

Bet you can't guess what I did....

That's right, I put my arms up.  Simple test right.  Guess what, no mondo  (thanks for that  name Jessica. I'll never forget it.) So what happened?  My shirt did not come up past the button on my jeans!

For some of you, this may be no big deal, but let me tell you the secret of my extrodinarily long torso.  Finding a shirt to fit is nearly impossible,  so I tend to wear men's t shirts....when those ride up over my gut, it makes me sad.  When my favorite t shirts no longer ride high, I feel amazing. 

I decided to unofficially take my measurements.  I'm down at least 1/4 to a half inch in most of the areas, and something like almost 8 inches in my waist.  I swear I must have measured wrong before because I don't feel like I've burned that much fat away, and I'm still really big, but the changes are happening. 

So don't be discouraged by the scale. Remember there are other ways to measure your changes, even if they aren't so concrete.  Remember, the more inches you move, the more inches you lose.  Am I right? 

Veterans and Physical Therapy

So, today, I went to my first physical therapy appointment.  I met with the therapist, talked over my case a bit, told her what I'm doing at home and did a few strength tests on my knee.  The only place of weakness was when attempting to come down stairs.  I always feel like it's going to give on me when descending.  I can go up just fine, but all my weight on that one knee is a beast.  Essentiall, she told me I was doing great, keep it up. Then she gave me a sheet of exercises to do daily with my other routine. 
And that was the story of my last day of physical therapy.  I just have to be cleared by my surgeon and do my exercises and I should be done with this whole mess!

Today is also Veterans day.  I wore my old school shirt with the military star and stripes and my old unit cap (which I wear every Veterans Day when I can).  It is nice to see all the support for those who have served and are serving today.  It is a voluntary choice for most of us who do join.  I come from a long line of military, and many of my extended family and friends are or were military, or police, or firefighters, or first responders.  All of those people and their families deserve our thanks today.  I have never been a military spouse, but I can imagine the hardship of trying to keep things together on your own while your other half is out their putting their lives in danger.  Same for police persons and firemen.  These people go to work every day without the guarantee that they will come home safely.  You just never know what's going to happen out there.

So each and every one of the people who have served, are serving, or are considering it, you are my hero.  Thank you for keeping Americans free so that they can be outraged by a cup. 

I kid on that last bit, but I'm serious about thanking you and will continue to thank each person I see in uniform out and about, be they service persons, police, fire, or first responder.  Heroes, each and every one of you.

My New Life....So Far

You guys, I have sooooo much time on my hands.  It's freaking awesome.  Last week I cleaned one room every day.  My house is so clean now.  Then I worked out.  Literally every day I did a work out. I even went for hour long walks.  Why? Because I have time to!!

Basically, I'm liking this stay at home thing.  I have found a few legitimate jobs online as a freelance writer, so I'm testing my chops there.  Maybe I can make a full-time go of it.  Who knows?

I feel like I am much more involved in life now.  I get to actually see my husband daily since I don't work while he is home now.  That is such a nice thing.  When I take the kids to school, I am up early, and able to actually get things accomplished.  I check in at "work" see if there's any thing that interests me and then I work out, clean, work on projects, you know, whatever the hell I want.

I feel as though I'm repeating myself, sorry, I'm excited.

Last week we decided to try to grocery shop more frugally, buy things that we can make last longer so we spend less per month at the store.  I don't think we've mastered it quite yet, but we will get there.  I think our first trip was rather successful (Hubs may think otherwise, he is such a downer sometimes).

I am not sure if I want to look for part-time work locally to fill the hours/help out with the bills or focus on doing what makes me happy.  It's a fine line and it's hard to know where the tipping point is.  I reckon I'll keep on keeping on where I'm at for now and see how it pans out.  I am loathe to make plans because, to be perfectly honest, NOTHING EVER WORKS OUT AS PLANNED!  Ever!

I have physical therapy this week.  Gee, that will be fun.  At least I'll get a good workout in that day, right?  Is that the bright side?  Maybe they have a scale.  I'm not sure if I want to get on it though, because what if I haven't lost any weight?  Despite working my ass off and trying to eat moderately, what if I'm stuck before I ever got going?  Stuff of nightmares, that is.

Since I have so much time, I may try my hand at crochet again.  My brother is making me look bad with his mastery of the art.  Can't have that now, can we?

I promise to try to update more often, but really what you've just read is my life.  I have no real wisdom to impart, just popping in to say that if you follow me, thank you.  Don't give up on me, I'm not giving up on myself.  You should follow suit.  You are a rock star in your own right.

Cheers!

Absolute Do-Nothing

I've accomplished nothing today.  Not a damn thing.

That's not true, I finished my unemployment enrollment, I guess I've done something.

I had every intention of getting up early today, taking the kids to school, knocking out my workout, running a few errands and cleaning the upstairs bathroom.

I failed.  Hubby took the kids to school, I slept until 11.  Ok, I TRIED to sleep until 11.  It's hard when you can't sleep.  Even my prescribed temazepam didn't do me any good.  I just kept waking up.

It's now 4:30 and I've eaten for the first time today. Don't judge me, I've been super busy doing nothing, remember.  In all actuality, I did start with the errand for unemployment, then I made an attempt to help someone fix their car.  That took hours and proved futile as we got nowhere.  Best of luck to then on their next attempt.  After retrieving the children from the school that I neglected to drop them at, I'm not home, and I sat down.  Why did I sit down?

I really have so much to do.  I need to clean the upstairs bathroom, it must be done, it's part of my home upkeep plan.  If I'm not going to be working I will have a clean house, dammit! 

I also need to write my article.  I'm super interested in the content but I'm having trouble making it sound as though it may be interesting to others.  I mean, I'm a super nerd, soooo.....

I start physical therapy on Wednesday.  From what I hear it's supposed to be brutal.  Not sure I'm ready for that. But if it helps get my knees back where I can use them I'm all for it.  Besides, lots of squats equals a nice ass, right?  And I could stand to lose a little (lottle probably) weight

So this is basically a long boring post just to let yall know I'm still alive and kicking. I really have nothing interesting to write about today.  Sorry, folks, I can't be witty and fun everyday

Budget, scrimp, save, repeat

Excuse me while I play with my blog setting and such.  I'm having a pretty good time checking out features I didn't know where there.


Anywho, I have spent the last few days trying to figure out if it is at all possible for me to live as a "stay at home mom".  You know, the hardest job in the world!  Ok, but really, I think it may be possible.


I went to the library (hello, free books of all sorts, yes!) and found a book on managing finances, digging out of debt and living a frugal, but fulfilling, life.  Now, you may thing that this book would be EXTREMELY boring, but, you would be wrong.  Surprisingly, it is quite a fun book to read and there are a lot of cool things in it.  It is a little old (2007) but I believe the ideas in there are adaptable.
For those interested, it is called America's Cheapest Family Gets You Right on the Money. It is written by the parents of 5 (yes 5) children who are debt free, living frugally off of cash on a fairly small income, but not missing out on life.  Their name is Economides.  How is that for irony. 


As I was saying, its useful, and I enjoy the read.  It is also written so that you can read from front to back, or only use it as reference for the things that apply to you.  There is a very good chapter about reducing debt.   Let me tell you what, I wrote down all we owed and we have a LOT more debt than I thought.  Then I did a budget (using both of our "current" incomes, in case I am able to return to work; it could happen).   When I budgeted out everything, I found out that we have enough money left over to be able to put almost 200 dollars a month towards eliminating debt. TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS A MONTH.   So why are we so deep in debt?


Well, because we don't pay attention.  We don't.  We fall behind on bills because we simply do not pay much attention.  We should be ahead of the game but we are lagging because we were not paying any attention to our spending trends.   Let me tell you, if you want to know why you are struggling paycheck to paycheck, sit down and evaluate where all you money goes.  It's eye opening.


I don't know if we will be able to carry on with just his income yet, but I know that in time we will get there and I fully believe that in 5 years we can be completely debt free (with the exception of our mortgage, maybe)  Basically, by the time our oldest son is a teenager, 13 years old, we will be out of debt and on our way to being financially free. 


In the process we are afforded a chance to teach our very young children (8 and 6) the value of money and how to save it.  We can show them from an early age how to spend and save properly so that they never end up in this situation.   We can get ahead of them going to college and actually have some money build up for that.  Essentially, we can get them ahead of the game.  That is something I look forward to.  Maybe, just maybe, we actually will be able to retire at some point and take a driving trip around the states.  Wouldn't that be fun.


I have amassed many tips and hints, and I would definitely not mind sharing my ideas and being the recipient of others.  If you are interested in being free and digging yourself out of debt, maybe we can work together to get all of us where we need to be.  I am not going to tell you it will be easy, I expect for the first few months, and around big events like birthdays, it will get a little tight and stressful.  At least at first.  I figure by this time next year we will be well on our way and things will be getting easier each week. 


If you are game, let me know, I'm all over helping everyone out and getting it so that they can actually enjoy their lives and money instead of just throwing it at bills for stuff you bought 3 years ago!!

On a whim

So most of you probably don't know (because I don't make a habit of putting my personal shit out there *snicker* yeah right) but I have not been working this week. 

You see I did something incredibly stupid at work on Monday and it has, by my own actions, caused me to have to be put on administrative leave until it can be sorted, if it can be sorted.  Again, this was my own doing and while I feel like a complete idiot about it, no point in dwelling because, as Dorothy says in the Return to Oz, "It can't be helped, Jack".  So I am doing the best I can with what I've got.

As you may have probably guessed, not working means no income (the biggest chink in my armour, especially with holidays right around the corner)  geez, I could kick myself for not thinking through my actions....

Anywho, as my husband and I were debating what to do and how to keep from drowning in debt (as if we weren't already in danger of that!) I have decided to try to live as frugally as possible, get out of debt and try to make a go at it on his income.  You know, in case I'm not allowed to return to work. (If I am allowed to return, it would also be an advantageous move to get us out of debt so really it's kind of win/win)

Now, here is the trick, did you know you have to make have money to make money, and you have to make money to save money.  It's a vicious cycle really. 

That will not stop me.  In fact I kind of look forward to the challenge.  It will not be easy, not by any means, but if we buckle down and work as a team, I think we can make it happen.  I told the hubs that I bet we could be completely debt free in 5 years (really I think, besides the house mortgage, we can probably beat that, but let's not get hasty).

So, essentially,  if you see me struggling, remind me of the good of this plan, no debt, more time with my kids, less over all stress, the ability to actually get things accomplished (won't that be nice).

I really hope I am allowed to return to work, I mean I really like my job, and despite my temporary stupidity, I think I am a fairly good employee.  I guess I just wait and see how the cards lay at the end.  In the mean time, scrimp, save, buckle down, research, learn, apply, tweak, repeat.  We can do this!

Just Keep Swimming

I have been thinking about this blog for a couple of days.  Normally, I would just sit down and let my fingers just type out whatever happens to be in my mind, how my day went, my struggles, my victories, etc.  Today I have an agenda of sorts.  I have been obsessing over one fact for nearly a week.

Here's the back story:

A friend of mine and I were talking about my last blog. About how I threw out my scale and my level of happiness and how to break the "diet curse" and the idea of thinking of food as anything more than fuel for the body.  How to stop obsessing over it and my weight and my looks and focus on my feelings and freeing myself to be happy.

At this point I pointed out that I HAVE TO lose weight, it can't be avoided.  I didn't know the reason I felt so strongly about this until I told her.  All of a sudden it was clear.

You see, I don't have a life threatening health disorder, I don't have diabetes, heart disease, or any number of other things being significantly overweight can cause.  Like a lot of people, besides the fact that I'm technically obese, I'm in pretty decent health.

What I do have is a quality of life threatening injury.  It is becoming more apparent daily.  Ever since I smashed my knee I've been trying to reevaluate the way I live and what I eat and my activity level.  My knees are basically shit.  They have been for years, I busted them both at a very young age so I've already got that working against me.  Add all the weight the poor things are having to tote around and you've got a real problem.  Then throw in a dibilitating accident the wrecks your knee even more.  I'm in deep shit. 

I do not want to end up in a wheelchair in my mid forties, I don't want to have a handicap sign in my car, even if I do get to park closer.  I have two little boys and they are already active and they will probably just get more active.  I want to be able to enjoy the fun that they are.  They love to laugh and swim and jump on the trampoline and generally run around like hooligans.  I'm not able to participate because I get winded climbing into my own bed.  I want to be able to play and run and jump and chase.  I want to be the fun mom who participates when they do sports, helps them train.  I don't want to be a lump on the sideline because I didn't care enough about myself to get better. 

That will not be me.  I'm taking charge.

Today I did my first kettlebell workout, and while I didn't love it as I was doing it, I felt amazing afterwards.  My legs were jelly and my arms were tingling, my shoulders ached from effort.  I even managed some squats.  I have to build this muscle around my knee.  It's imparitive.  After my kettlebell routine (which I couldn't finish, I only did 2 out of 3 sets, but I'm not at all mad, sad, or upset about that.  I did what I could and I reached my limit.  I'm not willing to push myself to injury, I can always go back to it later) I took a walk.  A brisk walk, 3 miles.  I had 50 minutes of "dodge the puddle" on the slick Texas roads, recently drenched with rain from Patricia.

How do I feel now?  Awesome.  I'm showered, changed, ready to EAT.  And I feel no shame.  I'm going to go out with my husband and my kids and we are going to a restaurant to enjoy each others company and have some good food.  I do not feel like it's a step back at all.  I also don't feel as though I deserved it and am treating myself.  What I am is hungry, and we have a gift certificate so we are going dammit!

I am still trying to reevaluate my relationship with food, less crap, trying to increase the quality instead of the quantity of what I eat.  I keep hearing how healthy food is so expensive, but the fact is, if you eat better quality food, you will eat less food.  Period, because you will be fuller longer (unless you are a body builder, in which case you can basically eat all the time because those guys need a LOT of calories to function).

I want to take a minute here to thank my friends for support, I love all the replies and the ideas and suggestions.  I may not follow them all, but I'm willing to work some into my life.  The important thing here is sustainability.  If it's not fun or "easy" (as in not overly complicated), or takes far to long, I simply won't be able to do it.  I've got to much going on with my work, kids, and homelife.  I refuse to take myself out of it to make my life better so I need to work around my current life.

As I mentioned before, I feel awesome today.  I don't look any different, my clothes still fit the same, I may even weigh the same (no scale remember) but I FEEL better.  I ache a little but I also feel accomplished, because I did something.  I took that leap forward, took a chance, made a change.  Time to keep going. Onward and downward.  Be the ball, be blue.  Keep moving forward...

Just keep swimming

I'm to tired to think of a creative title....

So, I've been on weight watchers almost a week.  Again, it's kind of a simplified calorie counter.  I haven't gotten on the actual computer yet to see if it offers different options than the app does, so I'm not sure if there's more to it.  I have logged every day, truthfully.  Since then I have been under my "points" each day.  I did use all my extra weekly points last week (beer!) But I still even have some of those bad boys left. Of course the week ends on Sunday so I still have time to screw it up.

I have no idea if I've had a weight change.  I still don't have a scale.  I'm torn on getting one because I don't want that hanging over me.  And I know the scale isn't the end all be all determinate of my success.  Still, it would be nice to know where I'm at.

I did buy a kettle bell.  My friend highly suggested it so I'll give that a try.  I may have to modify some exercises until my knee is 100 percent.  It won't even get here until friday, and I have my surgery consult on wednesday, so it may sit around for awhile.

I've tried to make an effort to move more, even little things.  I try to walk a bit faster when I'm walking, even just around at work, I have a habit to move at a sloth like pace.  No more.  I took Elliott for a walk  last weekend.  We both need some exercise but I did really enjoy it. The boys and I even walked to scouts, and even though they meet at the school which is about 1/4 mile away (if that) we still walked instead of drove and it was nice.  It was also dark on the return, so we will probably bring a flashlight next time.

Other than that, I'm trying to move more at work.  I try to get out of my chair more and work from a standing position. I even do a couple standing yoga moves to help improve my balance.  Little changes I hope will eventually make a big difference.

One day, one step, at a time

I did it.  I joined weight watchers.  So far is basically a simplified calorie counter but the site has a bunch of cool info and blogs and things so I may stick there for a bit.

Now, why join weight watchers when I just told yall that I don't want to focus on weight loss but building muscles and health?

Because I have to start somewhere.  I know it's kind of counter intuitive to work on cutting caloric intake when weight lifters eat a lot.  Like A LOT.  But I'm not a weight lifter, yet.  Weights and equipment are expensive and I have only a few dumbells to work with at this point so I'll work on trimming down and slowly incorporate weight training as I go along.  It will change my eating pattern so I'll have to figure that out when I get there.  That's still my ultimate goal.

In other news, it's such a nice day outside I decided to gp for a walk.  Wanted to try out my knee and get as much work out of it as I can until the surgery puts me out of commission.  I took my dog, Elliott with me, because, let's face it, he's kinda fat too.

I found a pretty cool workout app on my phone, it just comes with the phone, way to go android.  Anyway, it's got options like light walk, brisk walk, jog, etc etc.  I chose light walk, how could it be.

I'm not embarrassed to admit that it was harder than I thought.  I used to run 3-4 miles a day and now I can barely walk 2 in 30 minutes. (1.7 to be exact, but my route didn't take me back home straight away so I had to finish it out) 

Am I frustrated and angry with myself?

Nope, as a matter of fact I found my self smiling away during the last leg of my walk.  My knee held out, doesn't even hurt really, the walk was nice, a little hard, but it's the first one so I know it'll get better.  I realized that parts of my neighborhood are beautiful this time of year, the leaves changing, the weather was so nice.  Even though I was breathing hard, sweating, and getting tired, I still outlasted Elliott, who slowed down significantly halfway through. Despite the slow pace and the trouble I had JUST WALKING, I thoroughly enjoyed myself.  It was quiet and relaxing and gave me time to just chill and think.

I will never discount a good walk again.

The one problem I have discovered with being hooked up with weight watchers is, for obvious reasons, it is based on weigh ins. 

I don't have a scale......

Do I buy a decent scale or check in periodically on an outsourced scale?

I dunno.  Oh well, one more thing to figure out as I go

Torn

So, last post I decided to dump all the weight loss downers and focus on lifting weights and getting stonger. 

I've not made much progress (besides some amazing reading, seriously why can't reading burn calories, I'd be a total waif)

I did throw out my scale.  I don't need that kind of negativity in my life.

But, I digress.  Here is my current issue.  I still kinda want to lose weight.  Trim down, and at a fair clip I might add.  But I also want to be stronger. I want to lift, I actually think I would enjoy it.  It's very controlled and requires focus.  The problem is, in my mass amounts of reading it always seems as if it's one of the other.  Like you can't do both.

You see weight lifters eat.  A lot.  Because they get hungry. A lot. 

But in order to lose weight you have to cut calories, right?

So, there's my issue.  I'm considering joining weight watchers, just to see of I like it and I have some success.  I think if I lost just a bit at the front end, it would motivate me to be more active in it.  Right now I'm kind of stuck one the "meh, I'm fat anyways, let's just chill" mode.  Not cool.

In other news, my knee is free from the brace. I feel like dancing and jumping and sometimes even running (nah let's not get that far ahead of ourselves)  I have a surgical consult in two weeks and probably shortly after that will be having surgery.  So that will be fun.

Also, I sleep better.   And that's awesome.

Current progress: No idea.  Threw my scale away remember.

Wait. Current progress: happier

Moving on, one step at a time

Today, oh today.  Monday!  Whew Monday!

I'm not sure where I'm going with this.

I've been reading a lot (ha, like I ALWAYS read a lot) about weight loss and changing the way we eat, exercise, even see food.  I've pretty much decided to throw out my scale.  The thing is a minion of Satan and I just don't need that kind of negativity in my life.

I haven't thrown it out uet, but just deciding to has already take a huge load off.  Seriously so much less stress already.  So far so good.

Now, what do I do?  I've decided to not "diet".  Well, here's what's next...

I don't want to lose weight. I don't want to be thin.

I know, I know, WHAT?!?!

What I want is to be HEALTHY and STRONG. 

I recently talked to a friend of mine who is kind of a workout guru. She and her husband are super into fitness, so I asked her to help.  She is putting together a SUSTAINABLE meal plan for me, leaving room for my taco and pizza  nights.  And my oreos, let's not forget the cookie of all cookies.

She is also going to suggest some weight lifting and yoga exercises, stuff that I think I may actually enjoy. 

I did a lot of soul searching and think I'll enjoy these workouts more than solid, backbreaking, monotonous cardio all the time because these exercises require focus.  You have to concentrate on form and pay attention, and they are slower and relatively low impact.

I am not fast.

So, I'm still going to eat better and work out, which means I will probably end up losing weight and being thin, it's kind of a side effect really.  Finally a side effect I can deal with!!

So, in short (hehe) if you have any suggestions on fun "exercises" or activities for fat, broken (and relatively broke) people, please suggest something.  I'm always up for trying new things. 

Now I'm going to go slowly work my way up to pushups.  One day at a time yall, one at a time.

It's amazing what a decent nights sleep can do

I feel fucking fantastic!  Seriously.  For the first night in months I was actually able to get some sleep. (I had some chemical assistance, but a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do).  I talked to my doctor and was prescribed a sleep aid.  I was a bit dubious about it at first.  I don't want to be a drowsy zombie all day.  Then I realized I already am a drowsy zombie all day so let's fucking do it.

I slept awesomely.  I still woke up a couple times, but I have a bladder the size of a fruit fly so that's to be expected.  However, I was able to go immediately back to sleep afterwards.  I woke up early too, but I still refused to leave the comfort of my bed.  Even with my lounging, very long wake up routine, I was still out of bed before noon, which is an accomplishment.  Before ten, even, which is unheard of.  It is now almost 1130 and I have already knocked two things off my to do list for the day.

I feel unstoppable. 

I decided to blog early because I may forget later.  I plan on doing a lot of stuff around here today.  My poor house in in total disarray because of my lack of motivation and my sheer exhaustion.  Time to get moving!!

Onward and upward my dear friends.  Be the ball, be blue, stay golden, do good things!

Diet v. Lifestyle

I've been doing a lot of reading lately.  I mean, it's my one strength, and my knee is busted anyhow so why not get my learn on.

My wonderful friend Deb turned me on to the idea of not dieting, and not changing my food choices but changing the way I think about food.  She sent me links to some blogs and some other articles and I'm really feeling it.

I always wondered how someone could be overweight but still totally happy and rock it.  I thought I would never understand, but I think I'm starting to get it. (Not that I think I'll ever be happy being this big, but my weight shouldn't impact my happiness)  I think I'm concentrating on the wrong things.  I need to stop before I mindlessly eat and try to figure out why I am mindlessly eating this particular item.  Why am I still eating even though I want to burst.  Do I really want candy or do I want the comfort it brings, it being an old friend.

Do I really want to lose weight or do I just want to enjoy my life?  Am I sure being thin will equal being content? 

The answer is I don't know.  I honestly have no idea.  So, I think I'm going to obsess less over how I look, and what I eat and totally reassess my life. 

Can I have cereal for dinner?  Hell yes.

Maybe I need to focus more on enjoying and less on cleaning my plate.  I think that's a start.  I don't know where this will lead and honestly I'm just winging it, but I'm not quitting until I'm happy, no matter what it is that causes it.

Excuses excuses excuses

I didn't work out today.  I still eat like crap.  I don't move.  Why?

Because I haven't found IT yet.  That thing that will make me do it for me.  Yes, I do want to lose weight, I want to be healthy, active, thin.  I want to look good on special occasions, weddings, parties, out with friends.  I want to look good for my husband.  I want to be strong. I want my clothes to fit right. I want to go clothes shopping and not paw through the racks of grandma styles because they don't make my fashion in my size. I want to look in the mirror and like what I see.  I'm tired of it. 

But I'm not tired enough to change it?  Why not?  What is it that makes other people jump in? Some are motivated by health scare.  Besides being fat, I'm relatively healthy.  Some are motivated by bullies.  I don't get picked on ever.  Some are motivated by an external desire, to be a body builder or run a marathon.  I don't want to run a marathon.  Who does that? 

I always say that motivation is my biggest problem, and it is. But not the everyday get up and move motivation.  The motivation that means something.  The drive.  I don't have it.  I'd rather sit with a book, drink a beer and snack on chips.  Because that's where I'm comfortable?   Maybe I just don't hate myself enough to change.  Maybe I hate myself to much to care. Maybe I'm just incredibly fucking lazy. I can't figure it out.  I WANT TO make a change.  I want to better myself.

I kind of feel that if I change my outside though, maybe it'll change my inside.  I'm comfortable where I am now, in all my padding.  My barrier from the outside.  The tough skin, it all bounces off, all of the shit thrown at me can never hurt me more than I hurt myself.  But, why wouldn't I want to change that?  That's the part I am struggling with.  A complete and unyielding apathy.

Current weight loss progress: holding steady

Oct 4

I never knew that the numbers on a calender could rip out your heart.  Not until I woke up today and realized what day it was.  It comes around every year.  I know it's coming, because that's how time works, it marches on towards a date that will kick you in the teeth and then it will keep on moving like nothing happened.  Then it comes back around around and sucker punches you in the teeth.  It's a vicious cycle.

It got me today.  A mean whammy.  I woke up thinking I was gonna sail through today and then, BAM, I'm a puddle of tears and snot.  Why?  Because 18 years ago, two of my best friends, two sweet, innocent, beautiful 16 year old girls, were killed in a terrible car accident.  Just like that they were wiped off the face the planet.  Reduced to nothing but a memory.  No longer will we see their faces, hear their voices, laugh at their jokes.  No longer will we be those innocent, if not a little naive, 16 year old girls.

If you think 18 years is a long time to grieve, all you people that are still mad about 9/11 can shove it.  Am I still angry? Yes.  Am I still sad? Yes.  But I remember.  It may seem like I'm dwelling in sorrow, and maybe I am but I also remember.  I will not let them fade into nothing.  I will not forget their faces.

One of them was my best friend.  She got me.  For someone as strange as me, that's a joy.  To have someone in your life who understands you.  I remember the day I met her, vividly.  I remember whispering a joke to her from behind.  Sitting in English making fun of the teacher.  She whipped around, her brown hair flying and looked at me with this incredulous look on her face.  A look that bloomed into a million watt smile.  I smile that hooked me.  Luckily we fell into the same circle and I was granted the ability to spend time with her.  To almost bask in her glow.  We had sleepovers and talked and talked and talked while the others slept.  She was one of the first people who ever just treated me like I wasn't some kind of outcast.  The pretty cheerleader was friends with this crazy, new, strange, punky kid.  My crazy hair and clothes was balaced by her normalcy.  I loved her family and her little house, pale pink with a dark green trim.  Her parents shop, her stories about "home" in Colorado.  A home I visited many times after she died.  Her grandma was an angel.  And I see where she got it.  I was never made to feel odd, or awkward, or strange, or misplaced around her.  I absolutely loved her.  With everything I had.

Luckily when she left me, she left me with others like her.  A group a girls transformed by the light that shone from them.  A bunch of different types meshed.  We were the true breakfast club.  A prep, a nerd, a punk, a princess. We were all the best of friends.  We still are.  Brought together by a loss each of us feels every year.

Thankfully I have that again.  I have a group that stands by me and friends that I love.  People I can pour my soul out to.  People who have heard me laugh and seen me cry.  People have have witnessed both my best and my worst and love me anyways.  Thanks to those two girls so many years ago, I know how to build and keep a strong friendship and I will never ever turn someone away.  I am kinder for their company.

I don't believe in an afterlife, but, I could be wrong.   Sometimes I hope I am because there are so many people I want to see again. Talk to. Listen to.   I just hope you both know you were loved.

Now that today is almost over, I am thinking about what I have to do to make you proud.  Not only you, but my new friends, my close friends.  I vow to be the best me I can be, proud. Strong, fierce, brave, and above all, kind.  Thank you for shaping my life.  Your was cut way to short and our friendship even shorter, but your legacy is everlasting.

I miss you. And I love you.  Always

Hello October

I just recently realized it's been a few days since I've blogged.  My bad.

Here's what's happened in the past few days.  The other night I had taken a shower and was laying on my bed without my knee brace on. I need to let my poor leg breathe every now and then and it was getting irritated by the straps.  So I'm laying there with my feet near the edge of the bed, and my cat decides this would be a fine time to come lay by me, which is usually all well and good, except she is blind and when she jumps she does it with claws out.  Needless to say, she snagged the bottom of my foot.  What did I do?  Well, I did what any normal human would do, I moved away from the threat.  In this case it was a literal knee jerk reaction that resulted in my bending my bad knee (which is supposed to be kept as straight as possibe, to the extent of being put in a locked straight position while I sleep).

Agony ensued.  The pain was insane. Excruciating.  Any other word you can think of for terrible gut wrenching hurt.

I had to take some pills and wait until the pain layer low and put my brace back on.  Later that night I woke up the the worst Charlie horse known to man.  It was so bad I couldn't even put my foot down.  I don't know if it was because of the earlier pain or not.  So basically I've been taking it easy for the rest of the week.  Sadly I have been over compensating and that is causing my right knee to hurt as well.

Basically I've been concentrating on food.  Some days I've been so stuffed I thought I would die.  Some days I've been figuratively starving.  So hungry.  Today was a medium day.  I've been trying to stick to my healthy snacks and eat every few hours, just something little to keep going, but my brain makes me feel like I'm eating non-stop, which would be counterproductive.  I'm going to keep at it and see if I can log another small loss on Monday despite my crazy week.

I have also been looking into programs, seeing what is affordable and what I think would work best for me.  I also need to dig out my dumbells and start on my arms and shoulders since my legs are pretty useless at the moment. 

I decided that if I can get my arms at least moderately toned, I'm going to go in and have my half sleeve tattoo mapped out.   So that's a pretty epic reward.  Time to study some weight lifting.

I promise not to wait so long to blog next time,  sorry to all those who follow.  I'm not done yet.  Let's do this.  Keep moving forward, y'all

200kph in the wrong direction

Ok, I'm not actually sure about it being the wrong direction.   That's just the name of an album I love (200 useless points to anyone who can tell the artist) and I have always wanted to use it for something.

Today I didn't log my food.  Bad me.  I also ate quite a bit but I tried to stay to protien packed filling foods. In fact, my lunch was so awesome and filling (and also pretty packed with protien) that I skipped dinner.  I know, I know, don't skip meals, but seriously yall, I ate at 11 am and I'm still stuffed.  Please don't make me eat again.

Why didn't I log today.  Because I actually have been moving about 90 mph since I woke up this morning.  I thought this was the day that would never end.  We had inventory prep at work (on top of all the normal stuff I do everyday) and I got off late, picked up the kids, went to a boy scout meeting because they HAD to be boy scouts (let me point out here that I am an atheist and against the whole religious aspect of the boy scouts, but who am I to let my religious beliefs, or lack there of, keeps someone from something they so dearly want.  *you see that Kim Davis, that's how it's done*)

But I digress. 

Actually the boys got their first badges today which I admit was kind of unexpected and they are raring to go earn more.  So, it looks like my life will be a bit more active, and that's never a bad thing.

I am not disappointed that I didn't log.  I am not worried if I went over my calories or not.  I will not let little distractions throw me off course.  Tomorrow I will pick back up and start again, with the same vigor I started with today.

I did take my measurements yesterday.  Ugh!  If that doesn't motivate me to work hard I don't know what will.

The down side today (I know some people try to find the joy and goodness in every day, I try to look for the downers for 2 reasons.  1. There can be no good without the bad, it helps me keep my balance and 2. Sometimes when you go back over how bad your day was you realize that it wasn't that bad after all and you can adapt and overcome, well, I can at least)...so the downside is that my knee hurts a lot.  I jarred it pretty good earlier and I think that's causing the ache.  But I've got it iced and elevated and it is not going to stop me!

Weight loss progress: dunno, forgot to weigh in today.  Probably still down.....maybe
Water intake: nearly 100 ounces. 

Now if I can just manage to sleep through the night I will be in the most happiest

Trial and error: day one

I thought I knew what I was doing.  Today is the first "official" day of my weight loss trial.  (And by trial I don't mean that's it's an experiment per se).  I did so much research and even bought all kinds of neat things.  I know it's not going to click all at once, and honestly I'm not even discouraged with today because I AM AWARE.  I see where I went wrong and I know what to tweak and change in the near future.

I started out today 4.2 pounds down from my original weight, so it's not like I've not made progress.  And, again, I know there will be a few little changes to be made here and there, I'm not going to master it on the first day.

The good:  I was not starving at any point today.  I brought my own healthy snacks and severely limited the amount of crap I ate. (I'm a candy addict yall, it's a problem).  I feel as though, once I've gotten my numbers tweaked, this is something I can keep up, which is probably the most important part.

The bad:  I was over my calories  (at least on 2 apps) and my macro numbers were kind of all over. Carbs are still my favorite.  My fats number was pretty spot on, but I was severely lacking in protien.  This is my biggest issue.  I need to up my protien in a big way.  I'm not sure what kind of snacks/meals I need to achieve this and still stay within my range.  Peanut butter?  Maybe?

I plan on taking measurements tonight, because once I start working out, inches are going to become more important than pounds.  While my mac and cheese killed what was left of my food calories (or threw me flying into the abyss of way too much, depending on who's app you are using) I still feel as if today was a good start.  It began with a multivitamin, and a good breakfast and went on from there.  I'm actually pretty excited to try to tweak it tomorrow and see where I end up.  I think this first two weeks will probably be trial and error food wise but so far I'm still losing so it ain't all bad.

Onward and downward

Official weight loss progress, 4.2 pounds.  281.8

Things you learn on a Sunday

Tomorrow begins my official weigh in and weight loss experiment.  Today I learned about counting macros (protien, fat and carbs)  I read more blogs that should even be possible and decided that I am going to cut back on the cardio (when the dr clears me to work out) and do mostly strength training.  Basically I am going to eat ns workout like a body builder.  I'm going to calculate how many calories I need (which is more complicated than it sounds because I've used a number of calculators/apps and I've gotten a different number each time, so that's fun)
I am also going to use a number of apps.  I've downloaded a few.  It will be hectic at first because of all the apps, but I will eventually cut down to just one I really like, or stop using them altogether once I get the hang of it.  My ultimate goal is to be able to just know where I need to be in terms of eating without the electronic assistance.

I did buy a food scale today, along with some protien packed snack items.  I haven't decided what to do with actual meals yet but I'm trying to make one small change at a time so that it's not a huge life upset and throws me into chaos and turmoil.  Basically this week is a test run.

I also played monopoly for the first time today, like legitimately played.  Didn't finish the game but at least I know what to do.

I'm staying up later than usual to go watch this super moon eclipse thing going on.  So that should be pretty damn cool.

Just another day

Today is my anniversary.  I've been married to the same fella for 7 years.  We've been together 10 with two amazing little boys and a house full of furry and scaly children to boot.
He asked me this morning what I wanted to do today and I had no idea.  I was having kind of a down day on the depression front so I basically told him I really don't want to do anything.  Luckily, I have a good one, and that's basi what I was able to do.  Spend some time by myself in my quiet place with a book until the mood passed. 
THEN we went out and had some fun.  Ate at a cool little place in town that is supposed to be haunted but the food is AMAZING so who cares about a few ghosts right?

Today I really stopped to think about how lucky I am.  How I could have found someone else to marry and how things could have gone horribly wrong over the years.  Sure we've had our ups and downs, who doesnt, but we always come through it stronger and more understanding of each other.  We are both aware of each others faults and are able to get past them.

Basically we are pretty awesome.

In other news, I did basically nothing today.  I've been staying under my calories for the most part, though I did snack quite a bit today.  To my credit, I finally opened the package of oreos that have been in pantry for 3 days and I ate exactly 4.  I STOPPED AT 4 OREOS!!!  I don't think yall understand the power oreos have over me.

I've also managed to drink my weight in water today, but given my binge drunk last night and the stomach bug I've been fighting I believe it's barely gotten me back to hyrated. But I'm making progress. 

I've decided to officially weigh in on Monday mornings, just for the ease of timing.  Why not?

Time to go, hubs is singing his chores to the tune of wizard of Oz songs and it's incredibly funny to me. 

Unofficial Weight loss progress:  down??

Day 3

So, today I stayed home from work because last night my child thought projectile vomit would make a good room decor.   To say the least it was an exciting, if not terribly restful night.  He still felt kind of blase this morning, so he and I stayed home. 

It was kind of good because I got a lot of research done.  I looked into a lot of programs and diets and even a few apps, basically looking for the tools that would be the most advantageous to me and my current struggle.  I also found a few charts and tracking tools that will help me along the way.

Again, I did no exercise, but I did pay better attention to my eating and found that I snack more than I had originally thought.  I also have an addiction to milk.  I love it.  I may have to cut it back a bit. 

I was going to take my measurement today but I got caught up in a couple other things.  I now have another super huge reason to buckle down and get this weight off.  And I will do it!

I have also been given a task or two that will take my mind off of the incredible  boredom I'm faced with daily.  I've got a mission that engages my brain and that means I'll spend less time eating to cure my boredom.  Less, hmmm, maybe I'm hungry, when in fact I'm not.

So there's where we are on day 3

Unofficial weight loss progress: 5 pounds down
Water intake: two liters

Off we go!

Official progress will begin when I can decide the best time to weigh myself each week.

Day 2 reflections

Today I took some time to think about why I quit last time I tried weight loss.  I quit because, frankly it sucks.  It sucks to remember to log everything you eat. It sucks to push your body.  It sucks being out of breath or sore. To carry around a little notebook or drain your battery trying to input food and workout data into an app on your phone. Sweat.  Sweat sucks.  It sucks because, well, math.  I hate math, I'm no good at math and I severely dislike number problems.  Sadly that's what weight loss is, it's math.  Numbers in vs. Numbers out.  This many macros and micronutrients, if I eat this I have to run one more mile, this this and this will put me over for the day, but wait, this has too many carbs so I'll put this instead. 

I HATE it.

But I'm not going to let that stop me.

Some other issues I've discovered.   One is my job.  I love my job, it's awesome, but I don't move much.  I basically sit at a desk all day.  Plus I can have my phone inside to log (and I've already tried the notebook, I lost 3).  Lastly, I rarely take lunches at work.  I don't go out and spend money on food.  Why? Because my job feeds me.  Sure, it's prison food, but I find myself trying to see food more as fuel and less as a decadent thing.  I just shovel in what I'm given.  The worst part is that I have NO IDEA how to log it.  Not a clue.  I'm not even sure what's in it (sounds terrible doesn't it) But, it's free and I'm hungry so there you have it.

On another note, I found my favorite belt hidden in the back of my closet.  I can't even get it around me.  I have maybe an inch before I can snap it into the biggest possible position.  So, what does this mean?  This means I have a new goal.  A mini one, sure, but I will be wearing that belt by the end of this year.  I realize that does seem like a long time, and I will probably be wearing it much sooner than that, but that's where I'm at with it now. 

I was going to take measurements tonight but then my child started vomiting and, well, that kind of derailed my whole day.  Something about acidic high velocity spatter coming out of him has really put me off.  So I think I'm just gonna try to get him to rest and pick back up tomorrow.

Weight loss progress-- no change

It begins.....again

286

That's what I weighed this morning.  TWO HUNDRED AND EIGHTY SIX POUNDS. 

I need to make a change.  I've said that before.  I remember it, and I'm sure my followers (what few of you I have after 2 years of a silence).   5 years ago I had quite a bit of success, but for some reason or another, I got off track and now here I am again.  Huge.  I feel old, sluggish, tired, and just and around bleh.  I feel slow and heavy and dammit I don't like it.

I have a support system.  I have friends who are local and willing to help in any way possible.  I have people to motivate me, but who will continue to love me the way I am if I fail.  I have the information I need.  I've done this before after all....

Things I'm going to do differently this time:
1. Take the advice: look into the things people tell me about and don't discount anything as a "fad" because maybe that's just the jumpstart I need
2. Look into programs: maybe I need that structure.  The support and meetings and the ease of it all. (Weight loss is never "easy" but it seems so much simpler on a program)
3. Increments: mini goals.  I ultimately want to lose 100 pounds but maybe like, 10 by Halloween.  20 by Thanksgiving...  mini goals
4. Focus on other aspects: don't let the scale rule all.  I am going to check that little bastard regularly, but I will gauge my success on other things, like how my clothes fit, how much more I can lift, how much faster and farther I can run, how good I feel.  Real indications
5. Measurements: I'm going to take them tonight and I'm going to keep track.  Because the scale is only one set of number
6. Big rewards: I'm considering putting a dollar in a jar for each pound I lose.  Then when I reach my goal, using that money (and whatever else I toss in there, because I hate change in my pocket) to do something I've always wanted to do, or buy something I've wanted forever just didn't want to throw the money at it.
7. Involve the family: it will be easier when it's not just me.  I want to get my kids motivated to.  I could just go running, or we could take a family bike ride.  I could do sprints, or I could play soccer or basketball with the boys.  I could do laps, or I can race the kids in the pool.  Involve them, let them know what's going on.  It will help them in the long run as well.
8. Focus on food: before I would eat whatever the hell I wanted and just work off the extra.  This time the food changes come first.  I'm going to focus on eating and then on working out. (It's actually kind of a matter of necessity more than anything, given that my knee is currently broken and I will need to eventually have surgery.)  Research and learn how to make better, more sustainable food choices.  Don't take the easy way out.  Whole, non processed food when able.  More water.  Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate.
9. Write it down: I will be blogging this entire journey.  Starting today.  I don't know if it will be a daily or weekly blog, but this is where I'm at.  I will add pictures, recipes, thoughts, feelings, frustrations....anything that comes to kind.  The good and the bad.  It will all be available here.  My dirty little life exposed for everyone to see how the fun healthy, skinnier me is reborn from this mess I am now.
10. DO NOT GIVE UP: realize that I will falter and there will be setback.  I will get up and I will carry on.  No more "well I fucked that up, let's eat a whole pizza and get drunk"  no.  I'm done.  The new me starts now!

If you don't care to follow my journey, don't.  If you want to follow along and fight with me, please do.  If you just want to read and thank whatever deity you believe in that you don't have to be this pathetic sap that can't function properly, that's ok too.  If you have advice, recipes, ideas, feelings, workouts, please share.  I'm willing to listen and learn.  I want to do this right and make this the last time I ever have to put together something like this blog.