New Year, Same Old Me

So, I want to tell all my friends that I absolutely love them.  I have been kind of in a funk lately, and all of that ended when I was given the opportunity to get out of my house and hang out with some fantastically fun people over the New Year Holiday.  I had SOOOO much fun.

Today, as I was thinking about things I wanted to change this year, my resolutions, if you will, I came upon an epiphany.

I don't want to change.  I don't want to be anyone better or richer or thinner or smarter.  I want to be me.  I am loved for who I am by the people that matter and those who don't matter....well, I don't honestly give a shit about their opinions of me.  See, that's the thing. I am living MY life, they are living THEIR lives.

I am not thin but that is because we are lucky enough to have food on our tables.  Sure, I'd like to lose weight and be thinner, but that's not my priority at this time.  I have enough food in my house to keep my children fed.  That matters.

I am not rich.  I will probably never be rich.  It is taking me a long time to get my little writing business off the ground, but that's ok, because I am doing what I love.  I never knew I wanted to be a writer until I sat down and did it.  Now I don't see myself really doing anything else.  I won't get rich this way, I am not Nora Roberts or Stephen King.  I am me.  I make enough money to help pay our bills and when we get to the point where we have paid off all our debts, we will be fine.  It's a long road, but we are walking it and I know we will reach our destination in the end.

Smarter?  Ok, really I don't think I could be any smarter.  I'm pretty fucking smart.  However, I can continue to learn, and I will.  My learning will turn from book stuff to observational things.  I want to learn how other people react to things.  I want to know how to comfort people who suffer a great loss. I want to be available to stand up and change the human condition for someone who has even less than I do.  I don't need a degree to accomplish these things, I don't need to spend thousands of dollars for a piece of paper from a school stating that I am "good enough" for a certain job.  I will never stop learning, but I will never be "smarter".

As far as being better goes, there really isn't much I can do to be better.  Again, I can only be me.  I make it a point to treat people the way I want to be treated, with compassion, caring, loyalty, and affection.  I try to never look down on others, and unless given a reason to do otherwise, will always strive to see the best in people.

So many of you out there are using New Years to change your lives.  New Year, New Me.  What about next year.  Are you going to reinvent yourself yet again?  You are not Madonna.   Are you going to reinstate some changes you gave up on 3 months into 2016, only to probably "fail" again?
Do me a favor.  Take a step back, close your eyes, take a deep breath.  Now imagine a better you. Imagine the dream you.  What are you doing?  Where are you?  I'm willing to bet you look pretty much the same and you aren't in a Ferrari.  I'm also willing to bet that where ever you are, you have a huge smile on your face.  The new you doesn't live in a perfectly clean and organized house.  He isn't muscular and toned.  She isn't going to work in a power suit daily.

The new you is in your head.  She is happy, he is content.  They have fun and realize that even though the year is new, they are not.  They can only do what they can.  Sometimes you much give up on some things in order to make others a possibility.  Take a chance.  Do something you never thought you would do in a million years.  Quit that job you hate. Hug your father.  Read your children bedtime stories.  The only new you have to contend with this year is your new outlook on life and your love of living.  Don't let your quest for your dream life be the thing that makes you miserable. DO NOT DO IT.  YOU ARE ENOUGH!

The road is a long one, and the journey may seem never-ending, so why not make the most out of the trip?

The Christmas Spirit

Many of you know that I am not a religious person, so guess what won't be discussed in this post.  I believe people are kind and caring because they recognize the need to be so and see that others also need it.  That is all.

However, I have not been in the Christmas spirit of late.  It has been a trying few months, in fact, the last 6 months since I wrecked my bike have been pretty shitty.  Things are starting to turn around, but it is happening slowly.  I know if I can just hold out, it will all work out in the end but the holidays are stressful already and not having a steady income makes it worse.

I refuse to lament on the bad though because that is the direct opposite of what I have set out to write about.  Yes, I broke my knee in a bike accident, I totalled my bike, I've lost my job, and my husband was in the hospital.  These things have all added to my stresses.  In an attempt to be less of a pessimist, here are the good things that have happened lately.

We all have our health.  We did have a bit of a scare and have been in and out of the emergency room lately, not to mention or 500 trips to the pharmacy, but we are all living and breathing and ambulatory.  As far as I am concerned, we are winning here.  That is plus number one!

I was worried about Christmas, money wise.  Now I know that is not the true meaning of Christmas and it is more about giving and kindness than getting, but my children are small and I wanted to make sure they, at least, got some joy out of the season.  We were assigned an Angel this year from a local Angel tree and she was kind enough to provide us with a few gifts.  We pooled some resources and were able to get a few other small things.  Our kids will be taken care of.

I was not sure if we would have a tree this year so I asked all of our friends to send up Christmas cards so I could fashion a tree out of them. Well, the response was nothing short of awesome, I had no idea we had so many friends willing to send us cards. A very good friend of mine also sent some little cake bits (which my kids LOVE) and somehow managed to get her friends to send us a few little monetary boosters as a surprise.  I nearly cried at the gift of money and gift cards from complete strangers.  Because of this wonderful surprise, I was able to get my kids something nice that I think they will enjoy and still have some money left over. I nearly cried at the gesture, and I am not one to cry easily.  So THANK YOU to those people.

We were also worried about not being able to see family this season.  With all we have been going through, we just didn't think we would have the time or the money.  Plus, we had to find someone to watch our tiny zoo while we were gone.  Turns out, we are pretty damn resourceful, much more so than I thought.  We may be going home giftless, but we will be going home.  I cannot wait to spend that time with people we love, see the joy one the kids' faces, eat until I want to burst, and laugh until tears are streaming down my face, because, really, that is what Christmas is all about.

I have my health, my family, and we are not so bad off as to be living on the street and starving.  Yes, it is a lean year, and those are bound to happen.  By this time next year, we will have this all figured out and we will be in a better place.  All we can do is keep moving forward and try to squeeze every last bit of enjoyment out of the time we have.

In short (haha, I'm funny) I just want to remind everyone that no matter what situation you find yourself in, keep looking forward.  Don't hang your head and wallow in your own self-pity.  I've been there, all it does is make you feel worse.  Pick that head up, put one foot in front of the other and face your troubles head on.  You may be battered and bruised, but you are not broken and if you keep fighting, you WILL win.