Running on empty

I am so incredibly tired!!  I, like a dumbass, decided to pick up a shift Wed night.   I wish I would have remembered that I had to OPEN at 6 am on Thursday.  Usually I am going to bed around the time I got up this morning.  Needless to say, right now I am pretty much dragging ass.   We are talking about going to pick up the boys this weekend and I am super exicted, but at the same time not.  I really like having a few free hours a day, but, MAN, I miss those guys. 

We started to put the fence together.  We were out in 106 degree heat digging holes with ancient tools and trying to get the posts put up.   It was HOT!! Like crazy hot.  We did get all 11 holes dug and yesterday while I was at work Ryan put concrete in them and set them. So, now we have all these posts just sticking out of the ground.  It looks ridiculous lol, but we are ready to put up panels.  Once the panels are up, we are good to go.  I am so excited to have a bigger backyard so the kids and dogs can go out and run around in the grass instead of the mud in our tiny little backyard!!

Of course, right now I am soooo dog tired I can hardly think straight.  I am praying that all my words are spelled right.  I think I'm gonna veg and watch one more episode of Quantum Leap and then crash like an ocean wave.

Missing my kids

Woke up VERY late today.  I thought maybe I would try to get up earlier while the kids gone, but it seems as though I am getting up later and later.  This is not a good thing.  I need to go to bed earlier and get up earlier!!!  I am going to start setting my alarm for 10 am and force myself out of bed.  On thursday I have to be at work at 6am, I have NO idea how that is supposed to work out!!

Today after I got up I went into my kids room to feed the fish.  When I opened the door (which I keep closed cuz I don't want the dog in there chewing on stuff) it really hit me how empty my house was with them gone.  Right now sitting in almost complete silence is wierd!!  I do enjoy the break from time to time, but it is really starting to get to me.

I know it is all chaos when they are here, constantly noisy and go go going, but sometimes I revel in that chaos.  I get overstressed and worn out, but that's the price you pay to be blessed with such amazing things as children, right?

A Me I Like: Musings on a lazy day.

I realized today that I have been slowly trying to reinvent myself.  Mostly, all I really want to be is someone I like.   It is a terrible affliction to be someone you dislike.

Lately I have spent a lot of time working on the outside.  I have been losing weight, changing hair colors, cuts, clothes.  I have been trying to work on the inside as well.  I try to be less angry, get more sleep, care more about things that matter.  Really I could give a shit less about half the drama in the world.  Sometimes it just feels like I'm dead inside to things that people take very personally.

I don't care if others like me or not.  It's hard to really give a crap what others think if you don't care about it yourself, you know.  Somewhere in this constant reinvention, I am hoping to find someone I care about.  It is hard to feel things like pride in ones accomplishments, or happiness for others when you don't feel much in general.  Sometimes I really wish I could muster enough energy to care about things, but alas there is nothing.

I do have things that I am VERY passionate about.  These things I will fight about till I'm either lying bleeding on the floor or until the wrong is righted.  Sometimes these fights seem futile and I think I'll never win, but I'm not going to give up.

In short, I'm tired of being the person that I was.  I don't mind being cynical, or even being an outright bitch, but other than those things, I don't much care for the box in which I was placed.  Sometimes I wish I could just erase everything (minus a few things I think VERY important to me, such as my family) and just start from scratch. 

Somehow I think 30 is a little old to begin anew, but I can keep making these small adjustments and tweak these little bits.  Maybe by the time I'm 40 I'll have found a me that I can live with contentedly.

BOOOOOORRRRRIIIIIIINNNNGG

Man, it has been crazy quiet around here.  With the kids gone I have been just as busy as if they were here but it is a whole different kind of chaos.  I still have not made it to a gym since I have been back.  I have been go-go-going.  Non-stop.  My new school is far more involved than my old school, which I suppose is good, I am definitely getting a better education. 

We have almost gotten the house rearranged, we have gotten the downstairs almost completely put together, and the new upstairs play room has been cleaned out and is ready to be made into an actual playroom.  I have the toys all piled up in their bedroom and it's an utter disaster!!  I was hoping to finish it up today but spent about 10 hours doing homework.  UGH!!!

So, my day off on Thursday will be devoted to the completion of the playroom so that I can show the kids via Skype.  Jaxon was asking about it today, but I couldn't show it off yet  :(

So, most boring blog ever finished.  I really had nothing to say.  I'm going to go back to watching Quantum Leap now.....

Hidden treasures and forgotten gems

Man, cleaning and rearranging the house is a total chore.  Decided that while the kids were gone, we were going to more thier playroom from the downstairs to the "office" upstairs.  Since I have gotten my laptop, I rarely use the office and everything on the desktop is going to be wiped and I'm going to get rid of it.  Since the boys have told me that they would still like to room together, we are going to make that extra room the playroom and spread out a little downstairs.  We basically have two living rooms and are crammed into this one tiny room.  It is crazy and we really have way to much stuff.  Or maybe our stuff is simply to big?  I am not ready to get rid of this stuff though, because some day we will own our own house and I have a feeling that we may need this stuff!! 

At any rate, that is what I have spent my day doing.  I feel like, even though I have lived here over a year, I am just NOW finishing unpacking!!  I really do have so much stuff stored in tubs.  All my old game systems (atari-playstation, to include my regular and Super NES) and some old toys and things from when I was a kid.  Most of my VHS are in a tub because I simply have no place to put them out!!  Le sigh.  I REALLY am not looking forward to when we do move again.  It is like packing up a treasure cave or something. 

I found a lot of cool stuff like old posters too.  Man I LOVED movie posters and buttons when I was a kid.  I have a crazy collection of each.  Plus clippings from magazines, old movie tickets, hollywood and Las Vegas memorabilia....OMFG, I am a hoarder!!!!  Stop the insanity? 

I probably have more stuff from the 90's than any other person that lived through that era.  Remember pogs?  Yeah, I just found a tube of those.  Holy crap.  Someone find me a trash can STAT.  I have got to get rid of some of this crap!

I need a vacation from my vacation.

I am finally back from the Kansas frontier.  Having no net kind of sucks, but it was nice to have some time to do nothing.  Not that I really did nothing.  I mean, I worked my ass off, and partied like a beast at least once.  But, I did get a few days off where I sat around and basically did nothing.  I DID get to spend some time with my grandma, which was nice. 

Driving up there was ridiculous.  I had no A/C and both dogs with me.  Windows down at 60 MPH.  Well, my hair was a rats nets, and by the time I was half way there, my left arm, left side of my face and my thighs were sunburnt.  Like BURNT.  Even now, over a week later, I am still peeling!!

Day 1 was a whirlwind of cake making, watching the boys saw down some tree limbs (they do not follow all the safety procedures, so it was wildly entertaining), cleaning and setting up for a bridal shower.  Then there was of course the shower, with games and gifts, and then the party.  Man did we party.  I totally didn't follow my no alcohol rule and the next morning I remembered why I made the rule in the first place.  It was good fun all around though.  We did have some creepy ass zombies come out of the woods at the fire and scare the hell out of the bride to be, so I call it a win.  Then we went to my cousins 30th birthday party where we played the hell out of some flip cup and I played my first game of beer pong (I lost, but whatever, it was good fun).

Day 2 was a baby shower, which included more cake, games and gifts, as well as a number of hangovers.  It was also a smashing success and the happy couple (who we found out the next day are expecting a girl) went home with all kinds of good stuff.

Day 3 is pick up day.  Lots and lots of picking up.  Someone did a pre-sweep before I got out there and picked up all the beer cans, so that was good.  I did get the blown to bit targets taken down and picked up a metric shit ton of shell casings.  Did I mention guns?  Yeah, there were guns.  Day 3 was also the day just about everyone went home.  It was nice to see them all but having 7 million people around all the time is crazy stressful!!

Then next few days included moving humongous flower pots from one yard to the next, building a couple of decks, pulling up and replanting flowers, making curtains and other small sewing projects, taking down a satellite dish, painting fence panels from yellow to purple, hauling tons of sand from front to back and the building of a particularly nice concrete step. (I admit that I did not have a hand in every project).  These days also included several trips to town, which is an ordeal in itself really.

On wed or thurs, we took the night off and decided to go out and eat.  We went to this little place called Bogeys (best shakes ever).  Its raining a bit, but who are we to let that ruin our good time?  Well, we go in, order our food, sit down, BAM, power out.   Well, hell.  no shakes for us.  Wind took out 3 power poles down the street.  It was nuts!! 

I did carve out some time to do some running around and go see a few of my friends and spend some time with my dad (including one day spent under a car, which, while it doesn't sound fun, really is quite fun for me). 

All in all, I think it was a pretty bad ass vacation, but now I am terribly terribly tired and ready to get back to normal.  

Today was a rough day, mostly because I went to see my kids on the way out of town (they are staying with my mother in law for a few weeks, or until they are ready to come home).  They sat in my lap forever!  I guess they really missed me for the week we were apart.  Then, after spending some time with them, when I got in the car to go, they were standing in the driveway yelling, "bye, I love you".  I'm not gonna lie, it made me cry to leave them there.  I know they are going to have a great time swimming and watching baseball and bowling and playing in general, and I know Ryan and I are going to enjoy a little time without the chaos of two little boys, but we are going to miss them terribly while they are gone. 

Of course, the way my life goes, I may to busy to even notice they ARE gone.  Man I have a lot to do in the next few weeks!!