I realized today that I have been slowly trying to reinvent myself. Mostly, all I really want to be is someone I like. It is a terrible affliction to be someone you dislike.
Lately I have spent a lot of time working on the outside. I have been losing weight, changing hair colors, cuts, clothes. I have been trying to work on the inside as well. I try to be less angry, get more sleep, care more about things that matter. Really I could give a shit less about half the drama in the world. Sometimes it just feels like I'm dead inside to things that people take very personally.
I don't care if others like me or not. It's hard to really give a crap what others think if you don't care about it yourself, you know. Somewhere in this constant reinvention, I am hoping to find someone I care about. It is hard to feel things like pride in ones accomplishments, or happiness for others when you don't feel much in general. Sometimes I really wish I could muster enough energy to care about things, but alas there is nothing.
I do have things that I am VERY passionate about. These things I will fight about till I'm either lying bleeding on the floor or until the wrong is righted. Sometimes these fights seem futile and I think I'll never win, but I'm not going to give up.
In short, I'm tired of being the person that I was. I don't mind being cynical, or even being an outright bitch, but other than those things, I don't much care for the box in which I was placed. Sometimes I wish I could just erase everything (minus a few things I think VERY important to me, such as my family) and just start from scratch.
Somehow I think 30 is a little old to begin anew, but I can keep making these small adjustments and tweak these little bits. Maybe by the time I'm 40 I'll have found a me that I can live with contentedly.
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