Annual Checkup

Wow,

I seem to be really good at taking a year off of this thing. I'm sorry y'all. No more of that. It's just that I'm pretty busy. Since I last was on here, I have been keeping myself going. I am still a ghostwriter and working on some projects of my own (when I find the time.) I also do audio, host a podcast, and am going to start a craft blog because we do a TON of crafts, so be on the lookout for that one. Life of Xaoc will go back to being a story about my crazy life and more of an online journal for anyone to follow the crazy things I do. I'll still post stuff about music, movies, life, work, exercise, food, crafts, photography, you know, pretty much everything. I like to keep busy. So, stay tuned for new blogs and even more Xaoc (which, if you are wondering, is Russian for chaos) because Xaoc is my life.

Thanks for you continued following. I do appreciate it.

-MK

Busy is the Land of Chaos

Whoo,

I feel like I've gone missing for some time and for the few actual followers I have, I am sorry. I get so caught up in all the four million things that I have time for now that I tend to neglect the little things like spilling my guts and whining about my life in my blog post.

I joke, this is not one of those.

All in all things are looking pretty well. I do NOT have a steady income, but I feel more empowered by it somehow. I don't get paid for just showing up, I get paid for the work I actually do and that is a feeling I can't describe to anyone who puts in the hours. I think I found my problem with the workforce. It has been so clear to me all along, while I was getting paid the same amount for working my ass off that others were getting for being lazy as hell. How did I miss it for so long?

No matter, I love my job(s) now because none of them feel like work. I get paid to wash my face, share my imagination, help others bring their imaginations to life, make crafty little things for fun. I am soon going to get paid for reading books. WHO WOULDN'T LOVE THAT? Do I miss the steady hourly income?  Not really. I don't do much outside my house, never did. I don't tend to spend a lot of money, especially now that I don't have to fill up my gas tank every week or pay for daycare for my children.

I've been offered a chance to clear all the crazy out of my brain and get paid for it. What?!?!

But, I digress. So, what have I been doing lately?  Reading. Writing. Drawing. Creating. Finding myself in my art. Learning new skills. Enriching my life with knowledge. Spending time with my kids. Taking pictures. Teaching. Reaching out. All the things I never managed before.

Now do you see why I never have 5 minutes to sit down and bang out a blog post. I'll try to be better. I really do need to keep up my "professional" blog on the other site. I hope yall are looking forward to seeing more of me. I'm not stopping,

My Life in Music 1: Dolly

I have been thinking a lot lately about the things that are the most important to me and I have realized that my entire life has been framed and surrounded by music. Every bit of my life can be put to song, so I thought I would try something new and do a series of blogs about my favorite musicians and how they have impacted my life. I want to start with Dolly Parton.

Why start with Dolly?

Well, let me tell you. Ever since I was a kid, I have loved this woman. I should point out that she is a very religious woman and I am not. In fact, I consider myself to be an atheist. However, Dolly's music is as close as I will ever get to the gospel. There is something about not only her music but her whole life that I look up to in so many ways (despite the fact it's hard for someone 5'9" tall to 'look up' to a woman who stands a whopping 4'11"). I have learned so much from her: how to look at the bright side of things, how to change and adapt to your surrounds, how to not lose yourself in the crowd, how to forgive, and how to be compassionate and love others.

She is also hilarious. She says she took her look from the woman of ill repute in her small town because, in Dolly's child eyes, she was the most beautiful woman in the world. Dolly also quips about how it costs so much to look so cheap. She is self-effacing and doesn't seem to let anything get her down. Plus, how can you go wrong with songs like this?

This is absolute perfection

Throughout the years she has appeared in a number of movies and television shows, always showcasing her southern, down-home wisdom and her own quick sense of humor. One of my favorite characters is that of Truvy in Steel Magnolias but has also been in a number of great movies such as 9 to 5, Straight Talk,  The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas (for which SHE WROTE AND PERFORMED the iconic 'I Will Always Love You', later sang by Whitney Houston for The Bodyguard), Joyful Noise, Rhinestone, and even a number of cameos such as this scene in Miss Congeniality 2.

Solid Gold

While her appearances in movies and television shows are always entertaining, and her interviews on late night programs always leave me in stitches, it is not always fun and games with Dolly. She grew up super poor and has built herself up into a worldwide megastar, all while remaining humble and down to Earth. She often uses the butterfly as her symbol because the beautiful butterfly has to go through the stage where it is just a glorified worm to become something magnificently beautiful and able to fly. It is a wonderful depiction of her life. Ironically, Google has informed me that today is the 41th anniversary of the discovery of the Mountain of the Butterflies doodle. Seems like a good day to talk about Dolly.

Besides her career in music and movies, she has also started a number of charities. She founded the Imagination Library, which sends out free books throughout the world for children who can't afford them. Her devotion to children is amazing, possibly because she has none of her own, despite being married to the same man since the 60's, a truly remarkable feat for someone in the public eye. She even opened a theme park in Tennessee called Dollywood, where she hires locals and family members in order to build up the local economy. 

She is an advocate for gay rights and is actually thrilled to be the inspiration for a number of drag queens. Dolly truly looks for the bright side of life and the fun in every situation. She is flattered by the love shown to her and does her best to pay that love forward. Her songs have morphed through the years, covering an incredible range of topics from the stigma associated with the intelligence of blondes to the loss of loved ones and children. She does not shy away from any situation in her songs and a good number of them share the lessons and the gospel she grew up with. Some may seem like they are just fun and ridiculous, but then they come up with a lesson at the end that will leave you thinking long after the song is over. 

She has been singing and making music since the 1960's and has amassed an incredible library. There are simply too many to get through in this little blog of mine. If you have time, I highly recommend checking out her songs, at least, 5 from each decade, because there is gold in every era of Dolly's music. One of my favorite songs of all time is this one. Better get to Livin' in which she points out how ridiculous it is to let life pass you by and how you should take it by the horns and make your own path. 

I have always loved Dolly and I think I always will. When I am lost and I need to figure out a huge problem, it helps to listen to her music. With her unique, beautiful voice and her plain and simple lyrics, I am usually always able to see the light and the path I need to take in life. A girl could really have a worse hero than the irrepressible Dolly Parton. Thank you, Dolly, for shaping me into the woman I am today.

New Year, Same Old Me

So, I want to tell all my friends that I absolutely love them.  I have been kind of in a funk lately, and all of that ended when I was given the opportunity to get out of my house and hang out with some fantastically fun people over the New Year Holiday.  I had SOOOO much fun.

Today, as I was thinking about things I wanted to change this year, my resolutions, if you will, I came upon an epiphany.

I don't want to change.  I don't want to be anyone better or richer or thinner or smarter.  I want to be me.  I am loved for who I am by the people that matter and those who don't matter....well, I don't honestly give a shit about their opinions of me.  See, that's the thing. I am living MY life, they are living THEIR lives.

I am not thin but that is because we are lucky enough to have food on our tables.  Sure, I'd like to lose weight and be thinner, but that's not my priority at this time.  I have enough food in my house to keep my children fed.  That matters.

I am not rich.  I will probably never be rich.  It is taking me a long time to get my little writing business off the ground, but that's ok, because I am doing what I love.  I never knew I wanted to be a writer until I sat down and did it.  Now I don't see myself really doing anything else.  I won't get rich this way, I am not Nora Roberts or Stephen King.  I am me.  I make enough money to help pay our bills and when we get to the point where we have paid off all our debts, we will be fine.  It's a long road, but we are walking it and I know we will reach our destination in the end.

Smarter?  Ok, really I don't think I could be any smarter.  I'm pretty fucking smart.  However, I can continue to learn, and I will.  My learning will turn from book stuff to observational things.  I want to learn how other people react to things.  I want to know how to comfort people who suffer a great loss. I want to be available to stand up and change the human condition for someone who has even less than I do.  I don't need a degree to accomplish these things, I don't need to spend thousands of dollars for a piece of paper from a school stating that I am "good enough" for a certain job.  I will never stop learning, but I will never be "smarter".

As far as being better goes, there really isn't much I can do to be better.  Again, I can only be me.  I make it a point to treat people the way I want to be treated, with compassion, caring, loyalty, and affection.  I try to never look down on others, and unless given a reason to do otherwise, will always strive to see the best in people.

So many of you out there are using New Years to change your lives.  New Year, New Me.  What about next year.  Are you going to reinvent yourself yet again?  You are not Madonna.   Are you going to reinstate some changes you gave up on 3 months into 2016, only to probably "fail" again?
Do me a favor.  Take a step back, close your eyes, take a deep breath.  Now imagine a better you. Imagine the dream you.  What are you doing?  Where are you?  I'm willing to bet you look pretty much the same and you aren't in a Ferrari.  I'm also willing to bet that where ever you are, you have a huge smile on your face.  The new you doesn't live in a perfectly clean and organized house.  He isn't muscular and toned.  She isn't going to work in a power suit daily.

The new you is in your head.  She is happy, he is content.  They have fun and realize that even though the year is new, they are not.  They can only do what they can.  Sometimes you much give up on some things in order to make others a possibility.  Take a chance.  Do something you never thought you would do in a million years.  Quit that job you hate. Hug your father.  Read your children bedtime stories.  The only new you have to contend with this year is your new outlook on life and your love of living.  Don't let your quest for your dream life be the thing that makes you miserable. DO NOT DO IT.  YOU ARE ENOUGH!

The road is a long one, and the journey may seem never-ending, so why not make the most out of the trip?

Mental Health is No Joke

I struggle with depression and anxiety. I have for years, it's pretty hard to get people to understand an illness they can't see.  I have been on and off of medication a number of times.  Most recently I have been struggling pretty hard and had to go back and get put back on meds.  When this happened, I tried to explain the way my thought process worked to those around me, to tell my family what triggers my problems and when I just need to get away.  They never could understand.  Things continued as usual, and I often felt ignored and like no one seemed to even acknowledge I had a problem.

My husband has just gotten out of the hospital, he had a really bad form of pneumonia and had to spend nearly a week in the hospital.  While he was there, he took a step back and took a look at his life and the things that go on around him. He took the time to learn to breathe, to put things in priority order.  Due to his stay, he has a new found perception of mental illness.  He has finally suffered a bit of it himself and when he tells me about all the issues he is having to deal with, I just kind of nod because, I FUCKING KNOW!

In a way, I want to be grateful because he finally understands what I go through and this will make it easier for us to communicate our needs to each other and know when the other needs to just back off and give space.  On the other hand, it upsets me that he never bothered to wonder or understand my issues until they related to him.  I get it, but it doesn't make it any less upsetting.

So now I joke with him and call him Buddha because of his newfound Zen and his mottos and his processes. I'm glad he is getting better, but at the same time, I hope if he does, he doesn't lose the understanding he has gained through this process.  I get a little aggravated at the Zen preaching, but if that's what he needs, ok.  I'll deal.

In short, do me a favor and listen to those around you.  If you love someone and they are diagnosed with a mental illness, take the time to listen, talk through, and figure out what they are going through. Even if you don't really understand, be open and pay attention.  Make it known that you are there when they need you but can back off and leave them be if they need space.  Be aware, be present. Don't wait until it affects you to change your perspective.  Don't let it get that far.

It is a relief to finally be understood, to be able to say things and have him know that I'm not just being a cranky bitch, to know that I can't just "deal with it".  I just wish he would have gotten that perspective long before he had to deal with it himself.  Keep your loved ones close and try to understand what they are going through, if you just don't get it, ask.  It will make it much easier on all involved.

It begins.....again

286

That's what I weighed this morning.  TWO HUNDRED AND EIGHTY SIX POUNDS. 

I need to make a change.  I've said that before.  I remember it, and I'm sure my followers (what few of you I have after 2 years of a silence).   5 years ago I had quite a bit of success, but for some reason or another, I got off track and now here I am again.  Huge.  I feel old, sluggish, tired, and just and around bleh.  I feel slow and heavy and dammit I don't like it.

I have a support system.  I have friends who are local and willing to help in any way possible.  I have people to motivate me, but who will continue to love me the way I am if I fail.  I have the information I need.  I've done this before after all....

Things I'm going to do differently this time:
1. Take the advice: look into the things people tell me about and don't discount anything as a "fad" because maybe that's just the jumpstart I need
2. Look into programs: maybe I need that structure.  The support and meetings and the ease of it all. (Weight loss is never "easy" but it seems so much simpler on a program)
3. Increments: mini goals.  I ultimately want to lose 100 pounds but maybe like, 10 by Halloween.  20 by Thanksgiving...  mini goals
4. Focus on other aspects: don't let the scale rule all.  I am going to check that little bastard regularly, but I will gauge my success on other things, like how my clothes fit, how much more I can lift, how much faster and farther I can run, how good I feel.  Real indications
5. Measurements: I'm going to take them tonight and I'm going to keep track.  Because the scale is only one set of number
6. Big rewards: I'm considering putting a dollar in a jar for each pound I lose.  Then when I reach my goal, using that money (and whatever else I toss in there, because I hate change in my pocket) to do something I've always wanted to do, or buy something I've wanted forever just didn't want to throw the money at it.
7. Involve the family: it will be easier when it's not just me.  I want to get my kids motivated to.  I could just go running, or we could take a family bike ride.  I could do sprints, or I could play soccer or basketball with the boys.  I could do laps, or I can race the kids in the pool.  Involve them, let them know what's going on.  It will help them in the long run as well.
8. Focus on food: before I would eat whatever the hell I wanted and just work off the extra.  This time the food changes come first.  I'm going to focus on eating and then on working out. (It's actually kind of a matter of necessity more than anything, given that my knee is currently broken and I will need to eventually have surgery.)  Research and learn how to make better, more sustainable food choices.  Don't take the easy way out.  Whole, non processed food when able.  More water.  Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate.
9. Write it down: I will be blogging this entire journey.  Starting today.  I don't know if it will be a daily or weekly blog, but this is where I'm at.  I will add pictures, recipes, thoughts, feelings, frustrations....anything that comes to kind.  The good and the bad.  It will all be available here.  My dirty little life exposed for everyone to see how the fun healthy, skinnier me is reborn from this mess I am now.
10. DO NOT GIVE UP: realize that I will falter and there will be setback.  I will get up and I will carry on.  No more "well I fucked that up, let's eat a whole pizza and get drunk"  no.  I'm done.  The new me starts now!

If you don't care to follow my journey, don't.  If you want to follow along and fight with me, please do.  If you just want to read and thank whatever deity you believe in that you don't have to be this pathetic sap that can't function properly, that's ok too.  If you have advice, recipes, ideas, feelings, workouts, please share.  I'm willing to listen and learn.  I want to do this right and make this the last time I ever have to put together something like this blog.