New Year, Same Old Me

So, I want to tell all my friends that I absolutely love them.  I have been kind of in a funk lately, and all of that ended when I was given the opportunity to get out of my house and hang out with some fantastically fun people over the New Year Holiday.  I had SOOOO much fun.

Today, as I was thinking about things I wanted to change this year, my resolutions, if you will, I came upon an epiphany.

I don't want to change.  I don't want to be anyone better or richer or thinner or smarter.  I want to be me.  I am loved for who I am by the people that matter and those who don't matter....well, I don't honestly give a shit about their opinions of me.  See, that's the thing. I am living MY life, they are living THEIR lives.

I am not thin but that is because we are lucky enough to have food on our tables.  Sure, I'd like to lose weight and be thinner, but that's not my priority at this time.  I have enough food in my house to keep my children fed.  That matters.

I am not rich.  I will probably never be rich.  It is taking me a long time to get my little writing business off the ground, but that's ok, because I am doing what I love.  I never knew I wanted to be a writer until I sat down and did it.  Now I don't see myself really doing anything else.  I won't get rich this way, I am not Nora Roberts or Stephen King.  I am me.  I make enough money to help pay our bills and when we get to the point where we have paid off all our debts, we will be fine.  It's a long road, but we are walking it and I know we will reach our destination in the end.

Smarter?  Ok, really I don't think I could be any smarter.  I'm pretty fucking smart.  However, I can continue to learn, and I will.  My learning will turn from book stuff to observational things.  I want to learn how other people react to things.  I want to know how to comfort people who suffer a great loss. I want to be available to stand up and change the human condition for someone who has even less than I do.  I don't need a degree to accomplish these things, I don't need to spend thousands of dollars for a piece of paper from a school stating that I am "good enough" for a certain job.  I will never stop learning, but I will never be "smarter".

As far as being better goes, there really isn't much I can do to be better.  Again, I can only be me.  I make it a point to treat people the way I want to be treated, with compassion, caring, loyalty, and affection.  I try to never look down on others, and unless given a reason to do otherwise, will always strive to see the best in people.

So many of you out there are using New Years to change your lives.  New Year, New Me.  What about next year.  Are you going to reinvent yourself yet again?  You are not Madonna.   Are you going to reinstate some changes you gave up on 3 months into 2016, only to probably "fail" again?
Do me a favor.  Take a step back, close your eyes, take a deep breath.  Now imagine a better you. Imagine the dream you.  What are you doing?  Where are you?  I'm willing to bet you look pretty much the same and you aren't in a Ferrari.  I'm also willing to bet that where ever you are, you have a huge smile on your face.  The new you doesn't live in a perfectly clean and organized house.  He isn't muscular and toned.  She isn't going to work in a power suit daily.

The new you is in your head.  She is happy, he is content.  They have fun and realize that even though the year is new, they are not.  They can only do what they can.  Sometimes you much give up on some things in order to make others a possibility.  Take a chance.  Do something you never thought you would do in a million years.  Quit that job you hate. Hug your father.  Read your children bedtime stories.  The only new you have to contend with this year is your new outlook on life and your love of living.  Don't let your quest for your dream life be the thing that makes you miserable. DO NOT DO IT.  YOU ARE ENOUGH!

The road is a long one, and the journey may seem never-ending, so why not make the most out of the trip?

Absolute Do-Nothing

I've accomplished nothing today.  Not a damn thing.

That's not true, I finished my unemployment enrollment, I guess I've done something.

I had every intention of getting up early today, taking the kids to school, knocking out my workout, running a few errands and cleaning the upstairs bathroom.

I failed.  Hubby took the kids to school, I slept until 11.  Ok, I TRIED to sleep until 11.  It's hard when you can't sleep.  Even my prescribed temazepam didn't do me any good.  I just kept waking up.

It's now 4:30 and I've eaten for the first time today. Don't judge me, I've been super busy doing nothing, remember.  In all actuality, I did start with the errand for unemployment, then I made an attempt to help someone fix their car.  That took hours and proved futile as we got nowhere.  Best of luck to then on their next attempt.  After retrieving the children from the school that I neglected to drop them at, I'm not home, and I sat down.  Why did I sit down?

I really have so much to do.  I need to clean the upstairs bathroom, it must be done, it's part of my home upkeep plan.  If I'm not going to be working I will have a clean house, dammit! 

I also need to write my article.  I'm super interested in the content but I'm having trouble making it sound as though it may be interesting to others.  I mean, I'm a super nerd, soooo.....

I start physical therapy on Wednesday.  From what I hear it's supposed to be brutal.  Not sure I'm ready for that. But if it helps get my knees back where I can use them I'm all for it.  Besides, lots of squats equals a nice ass, right?  And I could stand to lose a little (lottle probably) weight

So this is basically a long boring post just to let yall know I'm still alive and kicking. I really have nothing interesting to write about today.  Sorry, folks, I can't be witty and fun everyday

Just Keep Swimming

I have been thinking about this blog for a couple of days.  Normally, I would just sit down and let my fingers just type out whatever happens to be in my mind, how my day went, my struggles, my victories, etc.  Today I have an agenda of sorts.  I have been obsessing over one fact for nearly a week.

Here's the back story:

A friend of mine and I were talking about my last blog. About how I threw out my scale and my level of happiness and how to break the "diet curse" and the idea of thinking of food as anything more than fuel for the body.  How to stop obsessing over it and my weight and my looks and focus on my feelings and freeing myself to be happy.

At this point I pointed out that I HAVE TO lose weight, it can't be avoided.  I didn't know the reason I felt so strongly about this until I told her.  All of a sudden it was clear.

You see, I don't have a life threatening health disorder, I don't have diabetes, heart disease, or any number of other things being significantly overweight can cause.  Like a lot of people, besides the fact that I'm technically obese, I'm in pretty decent health.

What I do have is a quality of life threatening injury.  It is becoming more apparent daily.  Ever since I smashed my knee I've been trying to reevaluate the way I live and what I eat and my activity level.  My knees are basically shit.  They have been for years, I busted them both at a very young age so I've already got that working against me.  Add all the weight the poor things are having to tote around and you've got a real problem.  Then throw in a dibilitating accident the wrecks your knee even more.  I'm in deep shit. 

I do not want to end up in a wheelchair in my mid forties, I don't want to have a handicap sign in my car, even if I do get to park closer.  I have two little boys and they are already active and they will probably just get more active.  I want to be able to enjoy the fun that they are.  They love to laugh and swim and jump on the trampoline and generally run around like hooligans.  I'm not able to participate because I get winded climbing into my own bed.  I want to be able to play and run and jump and chase.  I want to be the fun mom who participates when they do sports, helps them train.  I don't want to be a lump on the sideline because I didn't care enough about myself to get better. 

That will not be me.  I'm taking charge.

Today I did my first kettlebell workout, and while I didn't love it as I was doing it, I felt amazing afterwards.  My legs were jelly and my arms were tingling, my shoulders ached from effort.  I even managed some squats.  I have to build this muscle around my knee.  It's imparitive.  After my kettlebell routine (which I couldn't finish, I only did 2 out of 3 sets, but I'm not at all mad, sad, or upset about that.  I did what I could and I reached my limit.  I'm not willing to push myself to injury, I can always go back to it later) I took a walk.  A brisk walk, 3 miles.  I had 50 minutes of "dodge the puddle" on the slick Texas roads, recently drenched with rain from Patricia.

How do I feel now?  Awesome.  I'm showered, changed, ready to EAT.  And I feel no shame.  I'm going to go out with my husband and my kids and we are going to a restaurant to enjoy each others company and have some good food.  I do not feel like it's a step back at all.  I also don't feel as though I deserved it and am treating myself.  What I am is hungry, and we have a gift certificate so we are going dammit!

I am still trying to reevaluate my relationship with food, less crap, trying to increase the quality instead of the quantity of what I eat.  I keep hearing how healthy food is so expensive, but the fact is, if you eat better quality food, you will eat less food.  Period, because you will be fuller longer (unless you are a body builder, in which case you can basically eat all the time because those guys need a LOT of calories to function).

I want to take a minute here to thank my friends for support, I love all the replies and the ideas and suggestions.  I may not follow them all, but I'm willing to work some into my life.  The important thing here is sustainability.  If it's not fun or "easy" (as in not overly complicated), or takes far to long, I simply won't be able to do it.  I've got to much going on with my work, kids, and homelife.  I refuse to take myself out of it to make my life better so I need to work around my current life.

As I mentioned before, I feel awesome today.  I don't look any different, my clothes still fit the same, I may even weigh the same (no scale remember) but I FEEL better.  I ache a little but I also feel accomplished, because I did something.  I took that leap forward, took a chance, made a change.  Time to keep going. Onward and downward.  Be the ball, be blue.  Keep moving forward...

Just keep swimming

I'm to tired to think of a creative title....

So, I've been on weight watchers almost a week.  Again, it's kind of a simplified calorie counter.  I haven't gotten on the actual computer yet to see if it offers different options than the app does, so I'm not sure if there's more to it.  I have logged every day, truthfully.  Since then I have been under my "points" each day.  I did use all my extra weekly points last week (beer!) But I still even have some of those bad boys left. Of course the week ends on Sunday so I still have time to screw it up.

I have no idea if I've had a weight change.  I still don't have a scale.  I'm torn on getting one because I don't want that hanging over me.  And I know the scale isn't the end all be all determinate of my success.  Still, it would be nice to know where I'm at.

I did buy a kettle bell.  My friend highly suggested it so I'll give that a try.  I may have to modify some exercises until my knee is 100 percent.  It won't even get here until friday, and I have my surgery consult on wednesday, so it may sit around for awhile.

I've tried to make an effort to move more, even little things.  I try to walk a bit faster when I'm walking, even just around at work, I have a habit to move at a sloth like pace.  No more.  I took Elliott for a walk  last weekend.  We both need some exercise but I did really enjoy it. The boys and I even walked to scouts, and even though they meet at the school which is about 1/4 mile away (if that) we still walked instead of drove and it was nice.  It was also dark on the return, so we will probably bring a flashlight next time.

Other than that, I'm trying to move more at work.  I try to get out of my chair more and work from a standing position. I even do a couple standing yoga moves to help improve my balance.  Little changes I hope will eventually make a big difference.

It's amazing what a decent nights sleep can do

I feel fucking fantastic!  Seriously.  For the first night in months I was actually able to get some sleep. (I had some chemical assistance, but a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do).  I talked to my doctor and was prescribed a sleep aid.  I was a bit dubious about it at first.  I don't want to be a drowsy zombie all day.  Then I realized I already am a drowsy zombie all day so let's fucking do it.

I slept awesomely.  I still woke up a couple times, but I have a bladder the size of a fruit fly so that's to be expected.  However, I was able to go immediately back to sleep afterwards.  I woke up early too, but I still refused to leave the comfort of my bed.  Even with my lounging, very long wake up routine, I was still out of bed before noon, which is an accomplishment.  Before ten, even, which is unheard of.  It is now almost 1130 and I have already knocked two things off my to do list for the day.

I feel unstoppable. 

I decided to blog early because I may forget later.  I plan on doing a lot of stuff around here today.  My poor house in in total disarray because of my lack of motivation and my sheer exhaustion.  Time to get moving!!

Onward and upward my dear friends.  Be the ball, be blue, stay golden, do good things!

It begins.....again

286

That's what I weighed this morning.  TWO HUNDRED AND EIGHTY SIX POUNDS. 

I need to make a change.  I've said that before.  I remember it, and I'm sure my followers (what few of you I have after 2 years of a silence).   5 years ago I had quite a bit of success, but for some reason or another, I got off track and now here I am again.  Huge.  I feel old, sluggish, tired, and just and around bleh.  I feel slow and heavy and dammit I don't like it.

I have a support system.  I have friends who are local and willing to help in any way possible.  I have people to motivate me, but who will continue to love me the way I am if I fail.  I have the information I need.  I've done this before after all....

Things I'm going to do differently this time:
1. Take the advice: look into the things people tell me about and don't discount anything as a "fad" because maybe that's just the jumpstart I need
2. Look into programs: maybe I need that structure.  The support and meetings and the ease of it all. (Weight loss is never "easy" but it seems so much simpler on a program)
3. Increments: mini goals.  I ultimately want to lose 100 pounds but maybe like, 10 by Halloween.  20 by Thanksgiving...  mini goals
4. Focus on other aspects: don't let the scale rule all.  I am going to check that little bastard regularly, but I will gauge my success on other things, like how my clothes fit, how much more I can lift, how much faster and farther I can run, how good I feel.  Real indications
5. Measurements: I'm going to take them tonight and I'm going to keep track.  Because the scale is only one set of number
6. Big rewards: I'm considering putting a dollar in a jar for each pound I lose.  Then when I reach my goal, using that money (and whatever else I toss in there, because I hate change in my pocket) to do something I've always wanted to do, or buy something I've wanted forever just didn't want to throw the money at it.
7. Involve the family: it will be easier when it's not just me.  I want to get my kids motivated to.  I could just go running, or we could take a family bike ride.  I could do sprints, or I could play soccer or basketball with the boys.  I could do laps, or I can race the kids in the pool.  Involve them, let them know what's going on.  It will help them in the long run as well.
8. Focus on food: before I would eat whatever the hell I wanted and just work off the extra.  This time the food changes come first.  I'm going to focus on eating and then on working out. (It's actually kind of a matter of necessity more than anything, given that my knee is currently broken and I will need to eventually have surgery.)  Research and learn how to make better, more sustainable food choices.  Don't take the easy way out.  Whole, non processed food when able.  More water.  Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate.
9. Write it down: I will be blogging this entire journey.  Starting today.  I don't know if it will be a daily or weekly blog, but this is where I'm at.  I will add pictures, recipes, thoughts, feelings, frustrations....anything that comes to kind.  The good and the bad.  It will all be available here.  My dirty little life exposed for everyone to see how the fun healthy, skinnier me is reborn from this mess I am now.
10. DO NOT GIVE UP: realize that I will falter and there will be setback.  I will get up and I will carry on.  No more "well I fucked that up, let's eat a whole pizza and get drunk"  no.  I'm done.  The new me starts now!

If you don't care to follow my journey, don't.  If you want to follow along and fight with me, please do.  If you just want to read and thank whatever deity you believe in that you don't have to be this pathetic sap that can't function properly, that's ok too.  If you have advice, recipes, ideas, feelings, workouts, please share.  I'm willing to listen and learn.  I want to do this right and make this the last time I ever have to put together something like this blog.