I have been thinking about this blog for a couple of days. Normally, I would just sit down and let my fingers just type out whatever happens to be in my mind, how my day went, my struggles, my victories, etc. Today I have an agenda of sorts. I have been obsessing over one fact for nearly a week.
Here's the back story:
A friend of mine and I were talking about my last blog. About how I threw out my scale and my level of happiness and how to break the "diet curse" and the idea of thinking of food as anything more than fuel for the body. How to stop obsessing over it and my weight and my looks and focus on my feelings and freeing myself to be happy.
At this point I pointed out that I HAVE TO lose weight, it can't be avoided. I didn't know the reason I felt so strongly about this until I told her. All of a sudden it was clear.
You see, I don't have a life threatening health disorder, I don't have diabetes, heart disease, or any number of other things being significantly overweight can cause. Like a lot of people, besides the fact that I'm technically obese, I'm in pretty decent health.
What I do have is a quality of life threatening injury. It is becoming more apparent daily. Ever since I smashed my knee I've been trying to reevaluate the way I live and what I eat and my activity level. My knees are basically shit. They have been for years, I busted them both at a very young age so I've already got that working against me. Add all the weight the poor things are having to tote around and you've got a real problem. Then throw in a dibilitating accident the wrecks your knee even more. I'm in deep shit.
I do not want to end up in a wheelchair in my mid forties, I don't want to have a handicap sign in my car, even if I do get to park closer. I have two little boys and they are already active and they will probably just get more active. I want to be able to enjoy the fun that they are. They love to laugh and swim and jump on the trampoline and generally run around like hooligans. I'm not able to participate because I get winded climbing into my own bed. I want to be able to play and run and jump and chase. I want to be the fun mom who participates when they do sports, helps them train. I don't want to be a lump on the sideline because I didn't care enough about myself to get better.
That will not be me. I'm taking charge.
Today I did my first kettlebell workout, and while I didn't love it as I was doing it, I felt amazing afterwards. My legs were jelly and my arms were tingling, my shoulders ached from effort. I even managed some squats. I have to build this muscle around my knee. It's imparitive. After my kettlebell routine (which I couldn't finish, I only did 2 out of 3 sets, but I'm not at all mad, sad, or upset about that. I did what I could and I reached my limit. I'm not willing to push myself to injury, I can always go back to it later) I took a walk. A brisk walk, 3 miles. I had 50 minutes of "dodge the puddle" on the slick Texas roads, recently drenched with rain from Patricia.
How do I feel now? Awesome. I'm showered, changed, ready to EAT. And I feel no shame. I'm going to go out with my husband and my kids and we are going to a restaurant to enjoy each others company and have some good food. I do not feel like it's a step back at all. I also don't feel as though I deserved it and am treating myself. What I am is hungry, and we have a gift certificate so we are going dammit!
I am still trying to reevaluate my relationship with food, less crap, trying to increase the quality instead of the quantity of what I eat. I keep hearing how healthy food is so expensive, but the fact is, if you eat better quality food, you will eat less food. Period, because you will be fuller longer (unless you are a body builder, in which case you can basically eat all the time because those guys need a LOT of calories to function).
I want to take a minute here to thank my friends for support, I love all the replies and the ideas and suggestions. I may not follow them all, but I'm willing to work some into my life. The important thing here is sustainability. If it's not fun or "easy" (as in not overly complicated), or takes far to long, I simply won't be able to do it. I've got to much going on with my work, kids, and homelife. I refuse to take myself out of it to make my life better so I need to work around my current life.
As I mentioned before, I feel awesome today. I don't look any different, my clothes still fit the same, I may even weigh the same (no scale remember) but I FEEL better. I ache a little but I also feel accomplished, because I did something. I took that leap forward, took a chance, made a change. Time to keep going. Onward and downward. Be the ball, be blue. Keep moving forward...
Just keep swimming
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