Excuses excuses excuses

I didn't work out today.  I still eat like crap.  I don't move.  Why?

Because I haven't found IT yet.  That thing that will make me do it for me.  Yes, I do want to lose weight, I want to be healthy, active, thin.  I want to look good on special occasions, weddings, parties, out with friends.  I want to look good for my husband.  I want to be strong. I want my clothes to fit right. I want to go clothes shopping and not paw through the racks of grandma styles because they don't make my fashion in my size. I want to look in the mirror and like what I see.  I'm tired of it. 

But I'm not tired enough to change it?  Why not?  What is it that makes other people jump in? Some are motivated by health scare.  Besides being fat, I'm relatively healthy.  Some are motivated by bullies.  I don't get picked on ever.  Some are motivated by an external desire, to be a body builder or run a marathon.  I don't want to run a marathon.  Who does that? 

I always say that motivation is my biggest problem, and it is. But not the everyday get up and move motivation.  The motivation that means something.  The drive.  I don't have it.  I'd rather sit with a book, drink a beer and snack on chips.  Because that's where I'm comfortable?   Maybe I just don't hate myself enough to change.  Maybe I hate myself to much to care. Maybe I'm just incredibly fucking lazy. I can't figure it out.  I WANT TO make a change.  I want to better myself.

I kind of feel that if I change my outside though, maybe it'll change my inside.  I'm comfortable where I am now, in all my padding.  My barrier from the outside.  The tough skin, it all bounces off, all of the shit thrown at me can never hurt me more than I hurt myself.  But, why wouldn't I want to change that?  That's the part I am struggling with.  A complete and unyielding apathy.

Current weight loss progress: holding steady