My Life in Music 3: Bif Naked

I realized today that it has been awhile since I sat down and did one of these, and so here I am. Today, as I was going through my Facebook, doing my normal check in and catch up routine, I came across a throwback Thursday post from one of the most amazing and influential people in my life. She was born to parents who didn't want her. A couple of private school kids in New Delhi. Yeah, that's right, India. She was adopted by American Missionaries and brought to Kentucky, where she did a little bit of growing up before her family finally landed in Canada. Her name is Beth Torbert, but she will always be the one and only Bif Naked.

What is it about this crazy looking tattooed woman that makes me adore her so. I have to admit, it isn't all about her music, though that has helped pull me through some rough times. The songs she sings are not your typical songs, but to me they have a meaning that goes deep into the soul. She is a self-proclaimed punk rocker and spent many years of her life touring in an old busted down van with the guys in the band. Many bands actually. I discovered her on a whim one time. I bought her CD because I had never heard of her and the album cover was interesting. This is nothing new, I do this a lot actually. I love discovering new music, especially female artists. I just really relate, I guess. That album was I, Bificus and it changed my life. 

This was not her first album by any means, but it was her most commercially successful one, though she did have a pretty big song down the road. Her songs on I, Bificus range from loud and screamy guitar driven punk rock romps to slow, sultry, burning heart-wrenchers. The emotions coming through the speakers are ones that every girl deals with but can't get them out. They sit there and eat away at us, chewing holes in our soul. Bif Naked found them, she put them to music and she rocked her ass off. 

The second song is one I found while scouring the interwebs looking for more Bif. More Naked. I wanted all of her I could get. I couldn't explain the draw, but it was there and it still is. I came across a song called "I Love Myself Today" and, to a person like me, constantly struggling with clinically diagnosed depression and anxiety, this song is as an anthem. It might be just a break up song to some people, but to me it is a constant reminder that even though yesterday was shit, you can pull through and love who you are no matter what. I try to remember, to sing it often, "I love myself today, not like yesterday, I'm cool, I'm calm, I'm gonna be okay." Bif brought me this. 

Now, I know you remember earlier when I told you it wasn't just her music. Well, what is it, then, you might be asking. It's her lifestyle. When I grew up some and the internet changed, I  found she had a Facebook, as many artists and public figures do. She also had a twitter. I followed her on both, wanting to know what she was up to. 

I need to rewind: 

Bif Naked is a fighter. No, that's not the right word. Bif Naked is a WARRIOR. You can all see her picture, she is incredibly heavily tattooed. However, being a rocker and a punk girl and covered in ink, she also identifies as straight-edge. She eschews the punk sub-culture of drinking and drugs to live a clean, healthy life. In fact, she is a strict raw food vegan, mostly for health reasons over any ethical or religious ones. She is spiritual in a way I will never grasp, but which brings me peace, even through everything she has been through.

She is sick, she has been sick, and she has won time and time again over the forces that hold her back and try to stop her from living life to the fullest. She was diagnosed with a heart aneurysm, but did not pursue corrective surgery. In 2008, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. Through all the chemo and surgery, she kept her spirits high and her attitude in check. 

Bif Naked has been open with her struggles, her life. She speaks openly, but never harshly or judgmentally about the things she holds true to her heart. She is a giver in every sense of the word. Her outspokenness has helped raise awareness for a number of things from cancer research to the poor welfare system in Canada. Every year she takes part in a challenge, living as the vegan she is on the meager handouts to show that it is simply not enough. 

She is an animal lover, having had her two dogs Nicolas and Anastasia well into their old age and caring for them dearly. You can't not like an animal lover.

Bif and Nikolas

Now, back to following her on Facebook and Twitter. Do you know what she was up to? She was admiring the sun shine on a rain covered sidewalk. She covered her teeth with orange peels and smiled for the camera, bringing joy to everyone who saw her. She was writing poetic praise about the littlest things in life that she found so much joy in and spreading that love to others. Bif Naked has become a guru or sorts, a person I strive to be like. She is a woman who is filled with infinite love and kindness. 

One day, when I was having a particularly hard day, I reached out to her. In my own Moment of Weakness (the name of one of her most popular songs), I sent her a message on Facebook, not really expecting a reply, but just wanting to get all the anger, pain and sadness out of my head. Sometimes it's easier to tell a complete stranger. 

She responded. She sent me the most heartfelt note, something that I will cherish forever and I look at often when my heart hurts and I can't find the energy to get out of bed today. I keep it there, always so I know that this complete stranger believes in me. She cares enough to take a few minutes out of her day to bring joy and kind words to another, someone she has not, and will likely never meet. This is the Bif Naked I adore. You, girl, are not a Let Down. You are an inspiration.

I want to turn the tables now and wish Bif herself the kind of kindness and joy she brings to others. All the warm socks encasing toes and beautiful jewels that form in refracted raindrops. They are all for you, Bif. Thank you.

My Life In Music 2: Bowie

To be honest, I didn't plan on doing one of these so soon. However, given the circumstances, I feel it is an appropriate time to put it out there. I woke up this morning to a text from a friend telling me that David Bowie had passed away. He was such a big part of my life, so much so that my friend knew that I should hear it from someone else besides random facebook posts. That certainly means something.

Like most people born in the early 80's (and afterward), my first glimpse of this wonderful man was as the Goblin King, Jareth, in the movie Labyrinth. I was immediately entranced with this man. His look, with the crazy makeup and huge hair, made him stand out. More than anything, his mesmerizing mismatched eyes and that incredible deep, intriguing voice caught ahold of me and never let me go.

As I grew older, I came to hear his voice in some of the most iconic songs from growing. China Girl, Let's Dance, Changes, Fame; all of these are songs that everyone knows but they never go back to associate them with David Bowie. I consider myself lucky enough to recognize his genius and go back to learn about his songs. They have been covered by nearly everyone from Nirvana: 

The Man Who Sold the World

to Adam Sandler:

Space Oddity

Throughout time, Bowie had changed his look, name, style, and attitude, always adapting to new things and keeping up in the world around him. When he first started, he was a weird little gender bending, crazy -eyed, gay boy who liked to wear makeup, dresses, and sing songs. He has always bent the rules and chosen to live outside the norms. When he died, he did so as a super-successful rock star, having had a 40-year long career of amazing hits, he was married to a beautiful supermodel, Iman, and he had achieved legend status in the world of music. 

David Bowie's influence can be found just about anywhere. There are tv shows, like Life on Mars, that are named after his songs. They pop up in Shrek, Moulin Rouge, and Se7en. In fact, this song he did with Trent Reznor is one of my all time favorites.

The Heart's Filthy Lesson

Throughout his life and career, this man pushed boundaries and opened up the world for nearly everyone. There was no one who had to suffer through being 'weird' because there was always Bowie to look up to. His psychedelic, glam rock age and his Ziggy Stardust days were some his best. David Bowie had a way to take our wildest imaginations and put them into song, adding just enough to them to make us really stand up and listen. 

David Bowie also had a huge career in doing collaborations with other artists. He worked with the best of the best to create some of the greatest songs in the world. Here are a few of my favorites:

A Christmas Favorite with Bing Crosby

Dancing in the Street with Mick Jagger

Under Pressure with Queen

Under Pressure with Queen is by and far one of the best songs ever. Choosing David Bowie songs to put in this blog has been hard because there is no way I can even come close to the majesty this man put into everything he did. David Bowie, from his early days to the album, Blackstar, released just days ago, has always captivated me with his music and his life. Please, go out and listen to his music. Aladdin Sane is amazing. Suffragette City is an awesome album. The beauty of Bowie is that he adapted so much that there is literally something out there for everyone. Find your Bowie. Each time he put out something new, it was better than the last. I'm sad that now I won't be able to see where he takes us in the rest of this wild ride called life. He was able to leave us with this final goodbye, at least. 

Lazarus

Goodbye, David Bowie. You moved the stars for us, despite your profession of the contrary. Remember, it's only forever, not long at all.  

The Christmas Spirit

Many of you know that I am not a religious person, so guess what won't be discussed in this post.  I believe people are kind and caring because they recognize the need to be so and see that others also need it.  That is all.

However, I have not been in the Christmas spirit of late.  It has been a trying few months, in fact, the last 6 months since I wrecked my bike have been pretty shitty.  Things are starting to turn around, but it is happening slowly.  I know if I can just hold out, it will all work out in the end but the holidays are stressful already and not having a steady income makes it worse.

I refuse to lament on the bad though because that is the direct opposite of what I have set out to write about.  Yes, I broke my knee in a bike accident, I totalled my bike, I've lost my job, and my husband was in the hospital.  These things have all added to my stresses.  In an attempt to be less of a pessimist, here are the good things that have happened lately.

We all have our health.  We did have a bit of a scare and have been in and out of the emergency room lately, not to mention or 500 trips to the pharmacy, but we are all living and breathing and ambulatory.  As far as I am concerned, we are winning here.  That is plus number one!

I was worried about Christmas, money wise.  Now I know that is not the true meaning of Christmas and it is more about giving and kindness than getting, but my children are small and I wanted to make sure they, at least, got some joy out of the season.  We were assigned an Angel this year from a local Angel tree and she was kind enough to provide us with a few gifts.  We pooled some resources and were able to get a few other small things.  Our kids will be taken care of.

I was not sure if we would have a tree this year so I asked all of our friends to send up Christmas cards so I could fashion a tree out of them. Well, the response was nothing short of awesome, I had no idea we had so many friends willing to send us cards. A very good friend of mine also sent some little cake bits (which my kids LOVE) and somehow managed to get her friends to send us a few little monetary boosters as a surprise.  I nearly cried at the gift of money and gift cards from complete strangers.  Because of this wonderful surprise, I was able to get my kids something nice that I think they will enjoy and still have some money left over. I nearly cried at the gesture, and I am not one to cry easily.  So THANK YOU to those people.

We were also worried about not being able to see family this season.  With all we have been going through, we just didn't think we would have the time or the money.  Plus, we had to find someone to watch our tiny zoo while we were gone.  Turns out, we are pretty damn resourceful, much more so than I thought.  We may be going home giftless, but we will be going home.  I cannot wait to spend that time with people we love, see the joy one the kids' faces, eat until I want to burst, and laugh until tears are streaming down my face, because, really, that is what Christmas is all about.

I have my health, my family, and we are not so bad off as to be living on the street and starving.  Yes, it is a lean year, and those are bound to happen.  By this time next year, we will have this all figured out and we will be in a better place.  All we can do is keep moving forward and try to squeeze every last bit of enjoyment out of the time we have.

In short (haha, I'm funny) I just want to remind everyone that no matter what situation you find yourself in, keep looking forward.  Don't hang your head and wallow in your own self-pity.  I've been there, all it does is make you feel worse.  Pick that head up, put one foot in front of the other and face your troubles head on.  You may be battered and bruised, but you are not broken and if you keep fighting, you WILL win.

Holidays!!!

Good evening!!

Or night?  I dunno, it's nearly midnight.  I figured it's been awhile since I have been on here and updated about how my life was going.  We will start with the diet and exercise bit and get that out of the way.

I have not been exercising.  I know "I don't have the time" is an excuse, but to be honest, I spend all my time writing and researching.  For now, with no job, it's hard to keep up and I am constantly looking for ways to make a little extra here and there.  For now, that's writing.  I do alright with it.

As far as eating is concerned.  I don't really do much of that either.  I know, that's bad, but I'm not hungry.  I'll grab a snack or something, usually popcorn or some chicken or tuna salad and a slice of bread, but for the most part, I eat maybe on meal a day.  I tend to get up to late to eat breakfast, because I stay up late writing or researching.  I usually don't eat lunch because I know I'm going to be starting dinner almost as soon as the boys are home from school.  So, I use that time to write.

I am also looking at a few other ways to make some income.  I'm not particularly crafty and I haven't come up with a unique item that would probably sell, so I'm a little stuck there.  Still not overly worried about it.

Now, on to the good stuff.

Everyone tries to be thankful for what they've got when Thanksgiving comes around.  They do their best to look around and appreciate the wonderful people and things they have in their lives.  I am no different.  Being without a job is hard, having no money is hard, catching up is hard.  You know what?  I don't feel any hardship.  I have looked around, taken stock and come to terms with what I've got.

I have a wonderful family.  My husband and my kids are the light of my life.  My man takes care of us and, even though he tends to be a worry wart, he takes the time to hear out my next zany idea.  He is supportive of me.  What more could a girl want?  My kids.  Oh man, my kids are something else. As infuriating as they can be at time, I love the little buggers more than my life.  They have so much to offer and see the world in such interesting ways!

Over Thanksgiving break (from Thursday to Sunday) I also had many opportunities to spend time with some of my extended family.  My mom came to visit from Kansas and I spend pretty much all of Thursday through Saturday with her, either at my home or at my aunts house.  On Thanksgiving we had an awesome meal with turkey and ham and all the ooey gooey goodness that gets set on the table.  For the first time in my life I wasn't completely miserable when I finished eating, which means I did good in stopping when I was finished and didn't overeat.  It's a small accomplishment but there it is.

There was some drinking, some football, some bunko.  Oh man is bunko ever fun!  I admit we were a loud raucous group that night! My brother came over, as well as my uncles brother and sister in law. It was a relatively small gathering but still incredibly fun.

We were there again on Saturday and played some cards.  I do love cards.  Russian Rummy or some such mess is what we played, and I whooped their butts!!  I am the queen!!  My cousin came home from her trip to Kansas about then so we went ahead and played some more cards.  Lots of laughing and memories were made.

Sunday, we got an unexpected surprise.  My husbands brother, his girlfriend, her daughter and mom all came by on their way through.  They are on their way to Disney World, but made a stop so they could stretch their legs and spend some time.  It was a nice surprise and a chance to see old friends and make a new one.

In short (haha) I haven't slept much, I'm so tired and my house has been trashed, my kitchen is a total wreck, my kids are exhausted, but I am also so happy.  I am grateful to have been able to enjoy this entire time with my family, have fun, and make memories.  Weekends like this are the ones that stick with you.  They may seem like simple little things to most people, but to a few of us, these little things are the world!

I hope you did as well on your Thanksgiving as I did on mine.

Oct 4

I never knew that the numbers on a calender could rip out your heart.  Not until I woke up today and realized what day it was.  It comes around every year.  I know it's coming, because that's how time works, it marches on towards a date that will kick you in the teeth and then it will keep on moving like nothing happened.  Then it comes back around around and sucker punches you in the teeth.  It's a vicious cycle.

It got me today.  A mean whammy.  I woke up thinking I was gonna sail through today and then, BAM, I'm a puddle of tears and snot.  Why?  Because 18 years ago, two of my best friends, two sweet, innocent, beautiful 16 year old girls, were killed in a terrible car accident.  Just like that they were wiped off the face the planet.  Reduced to nothing but a memory.  No longer will we see their faces, hear their voices, laugh at their jokes.  No longer will we be those innocent, if not a little naive, 16 year old girls.

If you think 18 years is a long time to grieve, all you people that are still mad about 9/11 can shove it.  Am I still angry? Yes.  Am I still sad? Yes.  But I remember.  It may seem like I'm dwelling in sorrow, and maybe I am but I also remember.  I will not let them fade into nothing.  I will not forget their faces.

One of them was my best friend.  She got me.  For someone as strange as me, that's a joy.  To have someone in your life who understands you.  I remember the day I met her, vividly.  I remember whispering a joke to her from behind.  Sitting in English making fun of the teacher.  She whipped around, her brown hair flying and looked at me with this incredulous look on her face.  A look that bloomed into a million watt smile.  I smile that hooked me.  Luckily we fell into the same circle and I was granted the ability to spend time with her.  To almost bask in her glow.  We had sleepovers and talked and talked and talked while the others slept.  She was one of the first people who ever just treated me like I wasn't some kind of outcast.  The pretty cheerleader was friends with this crazy, new, strange, punky kid.  My crazy hair and clothes was balaced by her normalcy.  I loved her family and her little house, pale pink with a dark green trim.  Her parents shop, her stories about "home" in Colorado.  A home I visited many times after she died.  Her grandma was an angel.  And I see where she got it.  I was never made to feel odd, or awkward, or strange, or misplaced around her.  I absolutely loved her.  With everything I had.

Luckily when she left me, she left me with others like her.  A group a girls transformed by the light that shone from them.  A bunch of different types meshed.  We were the true breakfast club.  A prep, a nerd, a punk, a princess. We were all the best of friends.  We still are.  Brought together by a loss each of us feels every year.

Thankfully I have that again.  I have a group that stands by me and friends that I love.  People I can pour my soul out to.  People who have heard me laugh and seen me cry.  People have have witnessed both my best and my worst and love me anyways.  Thanks to those two girls so many years ago, I know how to build and keep a strong friendship and I will never ever turn someone away.  I am kinder for their company.

I don't believe in an afterlife, but, I could be wrong.   Sometimes I hope I am because there are so many people I want to see again. Talk to. Listen to.   I just hope you both know you were loved.

Now that today is almost over, I am thinking about what I have to do to make you proud.  Not only you, but my new friends, my close friends.  I vow to be the best me I can be, proud. Strong, fierce, brave, and above all, kind.  Thank you for shaping my life.  Your was cut way to short and our friendship even shorter, but your legacy is everlasting.

I miss you. And I love you.  Always

A Declaration of Love

Today, October 9th, is my best friends birthday.  I never dreamed I would have such a great friend in all my life.  As a military brat and then military myself, people in my life come and go.  I do manage to get close to a few, but a lot of my friends I keep at a distance because I have learned that things change.  Even my very best friend, Parker, is not one I speak to often, but that is the beauty of our friendship.  I don't have to, nor do I have to worry about it.  Maybe that is selfish of me, but that is the kind of friendship I need.

We have been through a lot, Parker and I.  Deaths, births, and a couple of awesome surprise visits.  Together we have remained sisters in the world of chaos.  Our dynamic never changes.  We have grown up, lived close, lived far, married, and added, repeatedly, to our families.  No matter what happens in our lives, we always end up being those two crazy kids, who at 15 just happened to sit next to each other in a class that neither of us really wanted to be in! 

No matter how long we are apart, how great the distance, or what troubles we go through in our lives, I know that we are there for each other.  We may not be up on the most current of events for each other, but really that stuff is trivial anyways.  What matters is that when we see each other, she is the one person I can just talk to, like we never stopped our previous conversation.  She has accepted me for all my crazy weirdness, my harsh attitude, my brutal honesty, hatred of just about everything and my need for reassurance.  She has never doubted me and I've never doubted her.  She has never given me reason to mistrust her, and has always been there when I've fallen.  I have been her rock and she has been mine....numerous times.  I don't know what I'd do without her and her amazing family.  A family that has always accepted me as one of thier own.  Sisters I would do anything for (and have, I might add).  A mom that is always so giving and gracious, kind, funny, and LOUD, lol. 

There is never a dull moment with these ladies and I am thankful for it.  I love them all and I cannot wait to see them again!! 

I just basically wanted to say, Happy Birthday, Parker.  I love you, and always will.

Of course you won't read this because your ass is not on facebook and I don't have your email, but I know your awesome family will come through for me here!!