Friday, October 30, 2015

On a whim

So most of you probably don't know (because I don't make a habit of putting my personal shit out there *snicker* yeah right) but I have not been working this week. 

You see I did something incredibly stupid at work on Monday and it has, by my own actions, caused me to have to be put on administrative leave until it can be sorted, if it can be sorted.  Again, this was my own doing and while I feel like a complete idiot about it, no point in dwelling because, as Dorothy says in the Return to Oz, "It can't be helped, Jack".  So I am doing the best I can with what I've got.

As you may have probably guessed, not working means no income (the biggest chink in my armour, especially with holidays right around the corner)  geez, I could kick myself for not thinking through my actions....

Anywho, as my husband and I were debating what to do and how to keep from drowning in debt (as if we weren't already in danger of that!) I have decided to try to live as frugally as possible, get out of debt and try to make a go at it on his income.  You know, in case I'm not allowed to return to work. (If I am allowed to return, it would also be an advantageous move to get us out of debt so really it's kind of win/win)

Now, here is the trick, did you know you have to make have money to make money, and you have to make money to save money.  It's a vicious cycle really. 

That will not stop me.  In fact I kind of look forward to the challenge.  It will not be easy, not by any means, but if we buckle down and work as a team, I think we can make it happen.  I told the hubs that I bet we could be completely debt free in 5 years (really I think, besides the house mortgage, we can probably beat that, but let's not get hasty).

So, essentially,  if you see me struggling, remind me of the good of this plan, no debt, more time with my kids, less over all stress, the ability to actually get things accomplished (won't that be nice).

I really hope I am allowed to return to work, I mean I really like my job, and despite my temporary stupidity, I think I am a fairly good employee.  I guess I just wait and see how the cards lay at the end.  In the mean time, scrimp, save, buckle down, research, learn, apply, tweak, repeat.  We can do this!

Sunday, October 25, 2015

Just Keep Swimming

I have been thinking about this blog for a couple of days.  Normally, I would just sit down and let my fingers just type out whatever happens to be in my mind, how my day went, my struggles, my victories, etc.  Today I have an agenda of sorts.  I have been obsessing over one fact for nearly a week.

Here's the back story:

A friend of mine and I were talking about my last blog. About how I threw out my scale and my level of happiness and how to break the "diet curse" and the idea of thinking of food as anything more than fuel for the body.  How to stop obsessing over it and my weight and my looks and focus on my feelings and freeing myself to be happy.

At this point I pointed out that I HAVE TO lose weight, it can't be avoided.  I didn't know the reason I felt so strongly about this until I told her.  All of a sudden it was clear.

You see, I don't have a life threatening health disorder, I don't have diabetes, heart disease, or any number of other things being significantly overweight can cause.  Like a lot of people, besides the fact that I'm technically obese, I'm in pretty decent health.

What I do have is a quality of life threatening injury.  It is becoming more apparent daily.  Ever since I smashed my knee I've been trying to reevaluate the way I live and what I eat and my activity level.  My knees are basically shit.  They have been for years, I busted them both at a very young age so I've already got that working against me.  Add all the weight the poor things are having to tote around and you've got a real problem.  Then throw in a dibilitating accident the wrecks your knee even more.  I'm in deep shit. 

I do not want to end up in a wheelchair in my mid forties, I don't want to have a handicap sign in my car, even if I do get to park closer.  I have two little boys and they are already active and they will probably just get more active.  I want to be able to enjoy the fun that they are.  They love to laugh and swim and jump on the trampoline and generally run around like hooligans.  I'm not able to participate because I get winded climbing into my own bed.  I want to be able to play and run and jump and chase.  I want to be the fun mom who participates when they do sports, helps them train.  I don't want to be a lump on the sideline because I didn't care enough about myself to get better. 

That will not be me.  I'm taking charge.

Today I did my first kettlebell workout, and while I didn't love it as I was doing it, I felt amazing afterwards.  My legs were jelly and my arms were tingling, my shoulders ached from effort.  I even managed some squats.  I have to build this muscle around my knee.  It's imparitive.  After my kettlebell routine (which I couldn't finish, I only did 2 out of 3 sets, but I'm not at all mad, sad, or upset about that.  I did what I could and I reached my limit.  I'm not willing to push myself to injury, I can always go back to it later) I took a walk.  A brisk walk, 3 miles.  I had 50 minutes of "dodge the puddle" on the slick Texas roads, recently drenched with rain from Patricia.

How do I feel now?  Awesome.  I'm showered, changed, ready to EAT.  And I feel no shame.  I'm going to go out with my husband and my kids and we are going to a restaurant to enjoy each others company and have some good food.  I do not feel like it's a step back at all.  I also don't feel as though I deserved it and am treating myself.  What I am is hungry, and we have a gift certificate so we are going dammit!

I am still trying to reevaluate my relationship with food, less crap, trying to increase the quality instead of the quantity of what I eat.  I keep hearing how healthy food is so expensive, but the fact is, if you eat better quality food, you will eat less food.  Period, because you will be fuller longer (unless you are a body builder, in which case you can basically eat all the time because those guys need a LOT of calories to function).

I want to take a minute here to thank my friends for support, I love all the replies and the ideas and suggestions.  I may not follow them all, but I'm willing to work some into my life.  The important thing here is sustainability.  If it's not fun or "easy" (as in not overly complicated), or takes far to long, I simply won't be able to do it.  I've got to much going on with my work, kids, and homelife.  I refuse to take myself out of it to make my life better so I need to work around my current life.

As I mentioned before, I feel awesome today.  I don't look any different, my clothes still fit the same, I may even weigh the same (no scale remember) but I FEEL better.  I ache a little but I also feel accomplished, because I did something.  I took that leap forward, took a chance, made a change.  Time to keep going. Onward and downward.  Be the ball, be blue.  Keep moving forward...

Just keep swimming

Thursday, October 22, 2015

I'm to tired to think of a creative title....

So, I've been on weight watchers almost a week.  Again, it's kind of a simplified calorie counter.  I haven't gotten on the actual computer yet to see if it offers different options than the app does, so I'm not sure if there's more to it.  I have logged every day, truthfully.  Since then I have been under my "points" each day.  I did use all my extra weekly points last week (beer!) But I still even have some of those bad boys left. Of course the week ends on Sunday so I still have time to screw it up.

I have no idea if I've had a weight change.  I still don't have a scale.  I'm torn on getting one because I don't want that hanging over me.  And I know the scale isn't the end all be all determinate of my success.  Still, it would be nice to know where I'm at.

I did buy a kettle bell.  My friend highly suggested it so I'll give that a try.  I may have to modify some exercises until my knee is 100 percent.  It won't even get here until friday, and I have my surgery consult on wednesday, so it may sit around for awhile.

I've tried to make an effort to move more, even little things.  I try to walk a bit faster when I'm walking, even just around at work, I have a habit to move at a sloth like pace.  No more.  I took Elliott for a walk  last weekend.  We both need some exercise but I did really enjoy it. The boys and I even walked to scouts, and even though they meet at the school which is about 1/4 mile away (if that) we still walked instead of drove and it was nice.  It was also dark on the return, so we will probably bring a flashlight next time.

Other than that, I'm trying to move more at work.  I try to get out of my chair more and work from a standing position. I even do a couple standing yoga moves to help improve my balance.  Little changes I hope will eventually make a big difference.

Saturday, October 17, 2015

One day, one step, at a time

I did it.  I joined weight watchers.  So far is basically a simplified calorie counter but the site has a bunch of cool info and blogs and things so I may stick there for a bit.

Now, why join weight watchers when I just told yall that I don't want to focus on weight loss but building muscles and health?

Because I have to start somewhere.  I know it's kind of counter intuitive to work on cutting caloric intake when weight lifters eat a lot.  Like A LOT.  But I'm not a weight lifter, yet.  Weights and equipment are expensive and I have only a few dumbells to work with at this point so I'll work on trimming down and slowly incorporate weight training as I go along.  It will change my eating pattern so I'll have to figure that out when I get there.  That's still my ultimate goal.

In other news, it's such a nice day outside I decided to gp for a walk.  Wanted to try out my knee and get as much work out of it as I can until the surgery puts me out of commission.  I took my dog, Elliott with me, because, let's face it, he's kinda fat too.

I found a pretty cool workout app on my phone, it just comes with the phone, way to go android.  Anyway, it's got options like light walk, brisk walk, jog, etc etc.  I chose light walk, how could it be.

I'm not embarrassed to admit that it was harder than I thought.  I used to run 3-4 miles a day and now I can barely walk 2 in 30 minutes. (1.7 to be exact, but my route didn't take me back home straight away so I had to finish it out) 

Am I frustrated and angry with myself?

Nope, as a matter of fact I found my self smiling away during the last leg of my walk.  My knee held out, doesn't even hurt really, the walk was nice, a little hard, but it's the first one so I know it'll get better.  I realized that parts of my neighborhood are beautiful this time of year, the leaves changing, the weather was so nice.  Even though I was breathing hard, sweating, and getting tired, I still outlasted Elliott, who slowed down significantly halfway through. Despite the slow pace and the trouble I had JUST WALKING, I thoroughly enjoyed myself.  It was quiet and relaxing and gave me time to just chill and think.

I will never discount a good walk again.

The one problem I have discovered with being hooked up with weight watchers is, for obvious reasons, it is based on weigh ins. 

I don't have a scale......

Do I buy a decent scale or check in periodically on an outsourced scale?

I dunno.  Oh well, one more thing to figure out as I go

Thursday, October 15, 2015


So, last post I decided to dump all the weight loss downers and focus on lifting weights and getting stonger. 

I've not made much progress (besides some amazing reading, seriously why can't reading burn calories, I'd be a total waif)

I did throw out my scale.  I don't need that kind of negativity in my life.

But, I digress.  Here is my current issue.  I still kinda want to lose weight.  Trim down, and at a fair clip I might add.  But I also want to be stronger. I want to lift, I actually think I would enjoy it.  It's very controlled and requires focus.  The problem is, in my mass amounts of reading it always seems as if it's one of the other.  Like you can't do both.

You see weight lifters eat.  A lot.  Because they get hungry. A lot. 

But in order to lose weight you have to cut calories, right?

So, there's my issue.  I'm considering joining weight watchers, just to see of I like it and I have some success.  I think if I lost just a bit at the front end, it would motivate me to be more active in it.  Right now I'm kind of stuck one the "meh, I'm fat anyways, let's just chill" mode.  Not cool.

In other news, my knee is free from the brace. I feel like dancing and jumping and sometimes even running (nah let's not get that far ahead of ourselves)  I have a surgical consult in two weeks and probably shortly after that will be having surgery.  So that will be fun.

Also, I sleep better.   And that's awesome.

Current progress: No idea.  Threw my scale away remember.

Wait. Current progress: happier

Monday, October 12, 2015

Moving on, one step at a time

Today, oh today.  Monday!  Whew Monday!

I'm not sure where I'm going with this.

I've been reading a lot (ha, like I ALWAYS read a lot) about weight loss and changing the way we eat, exercise, even see food.  I've pretty much decided to throw out my scale.  The thing is a minion of Satan and I just don't need that kind of negativity in my life.

I haven't thrown it out uet, but just deciding to has already take a huge load off.  Seriously so much less stress already.  So far so good.

Now, what do I do?  I've decided to not "diet".  Well, here's what's next...

I don't want to lose weight. I don't want to be thin.

I know, I know, WHAT?!?!

What I want is to be HEALTHY and STRONG. 

I recently talked to a friend of mine who is kind of a workout guru. She and her husband are super into fitness, so I asked her to help.  She is putting together a SUSTAINABLE meal plan for me, leaving room for my taco and pizza  nights.  And my oreos, let's not forget the cookie of all cookies.

She is also going to suggest some weight lifting and yoga exercises, stuff that I think I may actually enjoy. 

I did a lot of soul searching and think I'll enjoy these workouts more than solid, backbreaking, monotonous cardio all the time because these exercises require focus.  You have to concentrate on form and pay attention, and they are slower and relatively low impact.

I am not fast.

So, I'm still going to eat better and work out, which means I will probably end up losing weight and being thin, it's kind of a side effect really.  Finally a side effect I can deal with!!

So, in short (hehe) if you have any suggestions on fun "exercises" or activities for fat, broken (and relatively broke) people, please suggest something.  I'm always up for trying new things. 

Now I'm going to go slowly work my way up to pushups.  One day at a time yall, one at a time.

Saturday, October 10, 2015

It's amazing what a decent nights sleep can do

I feel fucking fantastic!  Seriously.  For the first night in months I was actually able to get some sleep. (I had some chemical assistance, but a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do).  I talked to my doctor and was prescribed a sleep aid.  I was a bit dubious about it at first.  I don't want to be a drowsy zombie all day.  Then I realized I already am a drowsy zombie all day so let's fucking do it.

I slept awesomely.  I still woke up a couple times, but I have a bladder the size of a fruit fly so that's to be expected.  However, I was able to go immediately back to sleep afterwards.  I woke up early too, but I still refused to leave the comfort of my bed.  Even with my lounging, very long wake up routine, I was still out of bed before noon, which is an accomplishment.  Before ten, even, which is unheard of.  It is now almost 1130 and I have already knocked two things off my to do list for the day.

I feel unstoppable. 

I decided to blog early because I may forget later.  I plan on doing a lot of stuff around here today.  My poor house in in total disarray because of my lack of motivation and my sheer exhaustion.  Time to get moving!!

Onward and upward my dear friends.  Be the ball, be blue, stay golden, do good things!

Thursday, October 8, 2015

Diet v. Lifestyle

I've been doing a lot of reading lately.  I mean, it's my one strength, and my knee is busted anyhow so why not get my learn on.

My wonderful friend Deb turned me on to the idea of not dieting, and not changing my food choices but changing the way I think about food.  She sent me links to some blogs and some other articles and I'm really feeling it.

I always wondered how someone could be overweight but still totally happy and rock it.  I thought I would never understand, but I think I'm starting to get it. (Not that I think I'll ever be happy being this big, but my weight shouldn't impact my happiness)  I think I'm concentrating on the wrong things.  I need to stop before I mindlessly eat and try to figure out why I am mindlessly eating this particular item.  Why am I still eating even though I want to burst.  Do I really want candy or do I want the comfort it brings, it being an old friend.

Do I really want to lose weight or do I just want to enjoy my life?  Am I sure being thin will equal being content? 

The answer is I don't know.  I honestly have no idea.  So, I think I'm going to obsess less over how I look, and what I eat and totally reassess my life. 

Can I have cereal for dinner?  Hell yes.

Maybe I need to focus more on enjoying and less on cleaning my plate.  I think that's a start.  I don't know where this will lead and honestly I'm just winging it, but I'm not quitting until I'm happy, no matter what it is that causes it.

Monday, October 5, 2015

Excuses excuses excuses

I didn't work out today.  I still eat like crap.  I don't move.  Why?

Because I haven't found IT yet.  That thing that will make me do it for me.  Yes, I do want to lose weight, I want to be healthy, active, thin.  I want to look good on special occasions, weddings, parties, out with friends.  I want to look good for my husband.  I want to be strong. I want my clothes to fit right. I want to go clothes shopping and not paw through the racks of grandma styles because they don't make my fashion in my size. I want to look in the mirror and like what I see.  I'm tired of it. 

But I'm not tired enough to change it?  Why not?  What is it that makes other people jump in? Some are motivated by health scare.  Besides being fat, I'm relatively healthy.  Some are motivated by bullies.  I don't get picked on ever.  Some are motivated by an external desire, to be a body builder or run a marathon.  I don't want to run a marathon.  Who does that? 

I always say that motivation is my biggest problem, and it is. But not the everyday get up and move motivation.  The motivation that means something.  The drive.  I don't have it.  I'd rather sit with a book, drink a beer and snack on chips.  Because that's where I'm comfortable?   Maybe I just don't hate myself enough to change.  Maybe I hate myself to much to care. Maybe I'm just incredibly fucking lazy. I can't figure it out.  I WANT TO make a change.  I want to better myself.

I kind of feel that if I change my outside though, maybe it'll change my inside.  I'm comfortable where I am now, in all my padding.  My barrier from the outside.  The tough skin, it all bounces off, all of the shit thrown at me can never hurt me more than I hurt myself.  But, why wouldn't I want to change that?  That's the part I am struggling with.  A complete and unyielding apathy.

Current weight loss progress: holding steady

Sunday, October 4, 2015

Oct 4

I never knew that the numbers on a calender could rip out your heart.  Not until I woke up today and realized what day it was.  It comes around every year.  I know it's coming, because that's how time works, it marches on towards a date that will kick you in the teeth and then it will keep on moving like nothing happened.  Then it comes back around around and sucker punches you in the teeth.  It's a vicious cycle.

It got me today.  A mean whammy.  I woke up thinking I was gonna sail through today and then, BAM, I'm a puddle of tears and snot.  Why?  Because 18 years ago, two of my best friends, two sweet, innocent, beautiful 16 year old girls, were killed in a terrible car accident.  Just like that they were wiped off the face the planet.  Reduced to nothing but a memory.  No longer will we see their faces, hear their voices, laugh at their jokes.  No longer will we be those innocent, if not a little naive, 16 year old girls.

If you think 18 years is a long time to grieve, all you people that are still mad about 9/11 can shove it.  Am I still angry? Yes.  Am I still sad? Yes.  But I remember.  It may seem like I'm dwelling in sorrow, and maybe I am but I also remember.  I will not let them fade into nothing.  I will not forget their faces.

One of them was my best friend.  She got me.  For someone as strange as me, that's a joy.  To have someone in your life who understands you.  I remember the day I met her, vividly.  I remember whispering a joke to her from behind.  Sitting in English making fun of the teacher.  She whipped around, her brown hair flying and looked at me with this incredulous look on her face.  A look that bloomed into a million watt smile.  I smile that hooked me.  Luckily we fell into the same circle and I was granted the ability to spend time with her.  To almost bask in her glow.  We had sleepovers and talked and talked and talked while the others slept.  She was one of the first people who ever just treated me like I wasn't some kind of outcast.  The pretty cheerleader was friends with this crazy, new, strange, punky kid.  My crazy hair and clothes was balaced by her normalcy.  I loved her family and her little house, pale pink with a dark green trim.  Her parents shop, her stories about "home" in Colorado.  A home I visited many times after she died.  Her grandma was an angel.  And I see where she got it.  I was never made to feel odd, or awkward, or strange, or misplaced around her.  I absolutely loved her.  With everything I had.

Luckily when she left me, she left me with others like her.  A group a girls transformed by the light that shone from them.  A bunch of different types meshed.  We were the true breakfast club.  A prep, a nerd, a punk, a princess. We were all the best of friends.  We still are.  Brought together by a loss each of us feels every year.

Thankfully I have that again.  I have a group that stands by me and friends that I love.  People I can pour my soul out to.  People who have heard me laugh and seen me cry.  People have have witnessed both my best and my worst and love me anyways.  Thanks to those two girls so many years ago, I know how to build and keep a strong friendship and I will never ever turn someone away.  I am kinder for their company.

I don't believe in an afterlife, but, I could be wrong.   Sometimes I hope I am because there are so many people I want to see again. Talk to. Listen to.   I just hope you both know you were loved.

Now that today is almost over, I am thinking about what I have to do to make you proud.  Not only you, but my new friends, my close friends.  I vow to be the best me I can be, proud. Strong, fierce, brave, and above all, kind.  Thank you for shaping my life.  Your was cut way to short and our friendship even shorter, but your legacy is everlasting.

I miss you. And I love you.  Always

Friday, October 2, 2015

Hello October

I just recently realized it's been a few days since I've blogged.  My bad.

Here's what's happened in the past few days.  The other night I had taken a shower and was laying on my bed without my knee brace on. I need to let my poor leg breathe every now and then and it was getting irritated by the straps.  So I'm laying there with my feet near the edge of the bed, and my cat decides this would be a fine time to come lay by me, which is usually all well and good, except she is blind and when she jumps she does it with claws out.  Needless to say, she snagged the bottom of my foot.  What did I do?  Well, I did what any normal human would do, I moved away from the threat.  In this case it was a literal knee jerk reaction that resulted in my bending my bad knee (which is supposed to be kept as straight as possibe, to the extent of being put in a locked straight position while I sleep).

Agony ensued.  The pain was insane. Excruciating.  Any other word you can think of for terrible gut wrenching hurt.

I had to take some pills and wait until the pain layer low and put my brace back on.  Later that night I woke up the the worst Charlie horse known to man.  It was so bad I couldn't even put my foot down.  I don't know if it was because of the earlier pain or not.  So basically I've been taking it easy for the rest of the week.  Sadly I have been over compensating and that is causing my right knee to hurt as well.

Basically I've been concentrating on food.  Some days I've been so stuffed I thought I would die.  Some days I've been figuratively starving.  So hungry.  Today was a medium day.  I've been trying to stick to my healthy snacks and eat every few hours, just something little to keep going, but my brain makes me feel like I'm eating non-stop, which would be counterproductive.  I'm going to keep at it and see if I can log another small loss on Monday despite my crazy week.

I have also been looking into programs, seeing what is affordable and what I think would work best for me.  I also need to dig out my dumbells and start on my arms and shoulders since my legs are pretty useless at the moment. 

I decided that if I can get my arms at least moderately toned, I'm going to go in and have my half sleeve tattoo mapped out.   So that's a pretty epic reward.  Time to study some weight lifting.

I promise not to wait so long to blog next time,  sorry to all those who follow.  I'm not done yet.  Let's do this.  Keep moving forward, y'all