Mental Health is No Joke

I struggle with depression and anxiety. I have for years, it's pretty hard to get people to understand an illness they can't see.  I have been on and off of medication a number of times.  Most recently I have been struggling pretty hard and had to go back and get put back on meds.  When this happened, I tried to explain the way my thought process worked to those around me, to tell my family what triggers my problems and when I just need to get away.  They never could understand.  Things continued as usual, and I often felt ignored and like no one seemed to even acknowledge I had a problem.

My husband has just gotten out of the hospital, he had a really bad form of pneumonia and had to spend nearly a week in the hospital.  While he was there, he took a step back and took a look at his life and the things that go on around him. He took the time to learn to breathe, to put things in priority order.  Due to his stay, he has a new found perception of mental illness.  He has finally suffered a bit of it himself and when he tells me about all the issues he is having to deal with, I just kind of nod because, I FUCKING KNOW!

In a way, I want to be grateful because he finally understands what I go through and this will make it easier for us to communicate our needs to each other and know when the other needs to just back off and give space.  On the other hand, it upsets me that he never bothered to wonder or understand my issues until they related to him.  I get it, but it doesn't make it any less upsetting.

So now I joke with him and call him Buddha because of his newfound Zen and his mottos and his processes. I'm glad he is getting better, but at the same time, I hope if he does, he doesn't lose the understanding he has gained through this process.  I get a little aggravated at the Zen preaching, but if that's what he needs, ok.  I'll deal.

In short, do me a favor and listen to those around you.  If you love someone and they are diagnosed with a mental illness, take the time to listen, talk through, and figure out what they are going through. Even if you don't really understand, be open and pay attention.  Make it known that you are there when they need you but can back off and leave them be if they need space.  Be aware, be present. Don't wait until it affects you to change your perspective.  Don't let it get that far.

It is a relief to finally be understood, to be able to say things and have him know that I'm not just being a cranky bitch, to know that I can't just "deal with it".  I just wish he would have gotten that perspective long before he had to deal with it himself.  Keep your loved ones close and try to understand what they are going through, if you just don't get it, ask.  It will make it much easier on all involved.

Crazy Weeks

Some of yall may not know this, but I have been having the craziest week on record.  Just nuts.  My husband has been in the hospital, I've had to wrangle the kids, take care of the house, and try to squeeze in time to work all on my own.  I have mad respect for any single moms out there, it's tough. I have never been so tired in my entire life!

I have, however, had a number of people step up and make my week a little easier and I appreciate all of the help.  You guys don't even know how much even the littlest actions impacted my life this week, whether you just came over to visit, or took some time out of your day to check up on me, I really appreciate it.

Good news is, he will be released today. That doesn't mean our problems are over, but it does mean no more juggling hospital visits to see my main man.  It's gonna be nice to have him back home where he belongs.  Hopefully we can get him back to 100 percent and get our lives back to normal.

Want to hear something interesting and totally off topic?  Most of my blog views come from Russia. HELLO RUSSIANS!!  Thanks for checking out my page.   I mean spacebo and all that.  I don't know how to make my keyboard type Cyrillic.  Sue me.  Anyway, thanks for tuning into the shit show that is my life.

What other strange and interesting things can I discuss today?  Really, I've got nothing.  I need to figure out what to do with this blog to keep it interesting and fun.  I'm at a loss.  Any suggestions would be helpful....I'm looking at YOU, Russians.  Yall give me topics, I will literally write about anything.  Help me keep my blog alive!

Sick house

Everyone in  my home is sick!  Everyone but me (knock on wood).  What does it mean when everyone is sick but me?  It means I get nothing accomplished.

Luckily, one of the kids is coming of his. He had pneumonia!  What!?!  My other son was struck down with strep throat.  I have no idea what my husband has, but it's had him on his ass for 4 days.

There has been no house cleaning, no projects, no grocery shopping.  Nothing.  The house is dirty and empty.  I'm really hoping I continue to avoid whatever the hell it is that has knocked my family into this horrendous tailspin. 

On the upside, we are wracking up a killer amount of pharmacy points.  I think I've been there everyday.

There isn't a real point to this post, just a rant about how I hate having my routine interrupted and would like for everything to get back to normal as soon as possible. 

New Directions

No, this is not a blog about Glee.  I could probably do that, but now is not the time.  My new directions are phenomenally different, mostly because I can't carry a tune.  For as much as I love music, I was cursed with the inability to master and instrument and a horrible singing voice.  The world played a cruel joke on me.

My new directions are moving towards writing.  Since I lost my job, I have been trying to figure out ways to make money from home, I simply don't have the patience to deal with people.  I need a job where I can work on my own time, and do things my own way.  A very good friend of mine pointed me towards a site that helps freelance writers find work.  So far, I've done fairly well there.  Nothing that will get me rich overnight, but I at least feel like I'm helping with family finances.  I don't make near as much as I would working at a menial, minimum wage job......yet.  I am learning new skills and building a reputation. For the most part, my clients are thrilled with my thorough research, writing skills, and quick turn around. The big plus is that I can work when I want, within reason, and have the ability to be here at home when my kids are sick, or participate in school functions with them.  I have missed way to many school parties because "I had to work".  I'm done with all of that.

It has been hard starting out, mostly because the holidays are upon us, and I am making little money, but I feel confident that as I learn new skills and hone my writing, I'll pick up bigger jobs and make better money.  I also am learning to do a few crafty things that I may be able to sell in the future to help.  Most of all, I am doing something I enjoy, which is a nice change.

I have decided to try my hand at writing a book.  I don't know how it will go, I tend to do better with the more non-fiction things I can research.  I love to focus on details and I feel this will make any fiction attempt of mine far to slow, as far as reading goes.  I'm not sure though.  I have been developing these wonderful characters in my head for some time, but have been loathe to lay them out on paper.  That ended last night. I wrote the first 3 chapters for some of my favorite characters. I'b beginning to realize that choosing my favorites to write about first might be a mistake, because I don't thing there is a plausible way to turn there story into a serial, and I don't know if I will be satisfied with my first attempt enough to have "wasted" my favorites.

I do, however, really fucking like them, so I'm going for it.  I've got a couple of beta readers lined up to help me tweak the flow and movement of the story, as well as read along for errors in spelling and punctuation.  I have been researching how to self publish, in case I ever get to that point.  All in all, I have been working hard.  I had never dreamed of writing for a living, but sometimes your dreams never do become a reality, but your reality can become the stuff of dreams

Holidays!!!

Good evening!!

Or night?  I dunno, it's nearly midnight.  I figured it's been awhile since I have been on here and updated about how my life was going.  We will start with the diet and exercise bit and get that out of the way.

I have not been exercising.  I know "I don't have the time" is an excuse, but to be honest, I spend all my time writing and researching.  For now, with no job, it's hard to keep up and I am constantly looking for ways to make a little extra here and there.  For now, that's writing.  I do alright with it.

As far as eating is concerned.  I don't really do much of that either.  I know, that's bad, but I'm not hungry.  I'll grab a snack or something, usually popcorn or some chicken or tuna salad and a slice of bread, but for the most part, I eat maybe on meal a day.  I tend to get up to late to eat breakfast, because I stay up late writing or researching.  I usually don't eat lunch because I know I'm going to be starting dinner almost as soon as the boys are home from school.  So, I use that time to write.

I am also looking at a few other ways to make some income.  I'm not particularly crafty and I haven't come up with a unique item that would probably sell, so I'm a little stuck there.  Still not overly worried about it.

Now, on to the good stuff.

Everyone tries to be thankful for what they've got when Thanksgiving comes around.  They do their best to look around and appreciate the wonderful people and things they have in their lives.  I am no different.  Being without a job is hard, having no money is hard, catching up is hard.  You know what?  I don't feel any hardship.  I have looked around, taken stock and come to terms with what I've got.

I have a wonderful family.  My husband and my kids are the light of my life.  My man takes care of us and, even though he tends to be a worry wart, he takes the time to hear out my next zany idea.  He is supportive of me.  What more could a girl want?  My kids.  Oh man, my kids are something else. As infuriating as they can be at time, I love the little buggers more than my life.  They have so much to offer and see the world in such interesting ways!

Over Thanksgiving break (from Thursday to Sunday) I also had many opportunities to spend time with some of my extended family.  My mom came to visit from Kansas and I spend pretty much all of Thursday through Saturday with her, either at my home or at my aunts house.  On Thanksgiving we had an awesome meal with turkey and ham and all the ooey gooey goodness that gets set on the table.  For the first time in my life I wasn't completely miserable when I finished eating, which means I did good in stopping when I was finished and didn't overeat.  It's a small accomplishment but there it is.

There was some drinking, some football, some bunko.  Oh man is bunko ever fun!  I admit we were a loud raucous group that night! My brother came over, as well as my uncles brother and sister in law. It was a relatively small gathering but still incredibly fun.

We were there again on Saturday and played some cards.  I do love cards.  Russian Rummy or some such mess is what we played, and I whooped their butts!!  I am the queen!!  My cousin came home from her trip to Kansas about then so we went ahead and played some more cards.  Lots of laughing and memories were made.

Sunday, we got an unexpected surprise.  My husbands brother, his girlfriend, her daughter and mom all came by on their way through.  They are on their way to Disney World, but made a stop so they could stretch their legs and spend some time.  It was a nice surprise and a chance to see old friends and make a new one.

In short (haha) I haven't slept much, I'm so tired and my house has been trashed, my kitchen is a total wreck, my kids are exhausted, but I am also so happy.  I am grateful to have been able to enjoy this entire time with my family, have fun, and make memories.  Weekends like this are the ones that stick with you.  They may seem like simple little things to most people, but to a few of us, these little things are the world!

I hope you did as well on your Thanksgiving as I did on mine.

Approaching Holidays

Man this has been a crazy week.  I find myself writing so many articles that I forget to update my own blog!
To be honest I really don't have much to update.  I have a crazy sleep pattern and having been getting up early enough to exercise.  I've been focusing on my food intake, so that's helpful.  My main focus at this point is to make money, not only to cover our bills, but also because Christmas is coming up.

I'm not really nervous about the holidays.  Before when I was in weight loss mode, I would get all super stressed out about what I was gonna eat.  I'm done with all that.  This year I'm going to focus on other things besides the food. I'm going to enjoy time with my family, my mom is coming.  I'm gonna play some card games and generally have a good time.  That's what it's all about afterall.

I do need to work on getting my sleep pattern under control.  It's crazy how when I was working I never had time for anything, but now that I'm not, I still have time for nothing.  How does that work out?

I have been doing a lot of research lately and I think I came up with some great homemade gift ideas that I can also turn onto things to sell throughout the year.  I'm pretty stoked about that.  With a little investment I can make a lot and hopefully sell quite a bit.

Inches Matter or a Matter of Inches

Guys!  I can not begin to tell y'all how important it is to ditch that scale and find other ways of measuring your success.  And I say success because that is what you will get.  A slight up fluctuation can send you into a tailspin and make you feel like a failure, that is the problem with weighing daily or weakly.  I can honestly say that I have NO IDEA how much I weigh right now.  While I'm not altogether comfortable with the shape of my body, I'm learning new ways to use it, to change it, alter it to be the body I want it to be.  I don't care much about society standars, I want to be fit, healthy and strong for me.  Ok, mostly for my poor knees, which actually means I will have to weigh less, but that's kind of like an added benefit to this whole thing.

So today, after my kettlebell workout (which totally kicked my butt today,) I went for my usual 3 mile walk.  It rained a bit so I got a little wet.  I mean, that's what happens when you walk out in the rain!  Anyway, when I got home, I noticed my shirt seemed a little longer than usual.  I figured maybe cuz it was wet?  No matter the case I went ahead and did some chores, showered, etc.  The next shirt I put.....also seemingly really long to me.  Maybe I just never noticed they were that long, but I'm pretty sure when I wore these and put my hands over my head, my belly would hang out. "Hello world, look at me, the grotesque underbelly, behold my pale and flabby fabulousness!"  So I did an experiment.

Bet you can't guess what I did....

That's right, I put my arms up.  Simple test right.  Guess what, no mondo  (thanks for that  name Jessica. I'll never forget it.) So what happened?  My shirt did not come up past the button on my jeans!

For some of you, this may be no big deal, but let me tell you the secret of my extrodinarily long torso.  Finding a shirt to fit is nearly impossible,  so I tend to wear men's t shirts....when those ride up over my gut, it makes me sad.  When my favorite t shirts no longer ride high, I feel amazing. 

I decided to unofficially take my measurements.  I'm down at least 1/4 to a half inch in most of the areas, and something like almost 8 inches in my waist.  I swear I must have measured wrong before because I don't feel like I've burned that much fat away, and I'm still really big, but the changes are happening. 

So don't be discouraged by the scale. Remember there are other ways to measure your changes, even if they aren't so concrete.  Remember, the more inches you move, the more inches you lose.  Am I right?