Diet v. Lifestyle

I've been doing a lot of reading lately.  I mean, it's my one strength, and my knee is busted anyhow so why not get my learn on.

My wonderful friend Deb turned me on to the idea of not dieting, and not changing my food choices but changing the way I think about food.  She sent me links to some blogs and some other articles and I'm really feeling it.

I always wondered how someone could be overweight but still totally happy and rock it.  I thought I would never understand, but I think I'm starting to get it. (Not that I think I'll ever be happy being this big, but my weight shouldn't impact my happiness)  I think I'm concentrating on the wrong things.  I need to stop before I mindlessly eat and try to figure out why I am mindlessly eating this particular item.  Why am I still eating even though I want to burst.  Do I really want candy or do I want the comfort it brings, it being an old friend.

Do I really want to lose weight or do I just want to enjoy my life?  Am I sure being thin will equal being content? 

The answer is I don't know.  I honestly have no idea.  So, I think I'm going to obsess less over how I look, and what I eat and totally reassess my life. 

Can I have cereal for dinner?  Hell yes.

Maybe I need to focus more on enjoying and less on cleaning my plate.  I think that's a start.  I don't know where this will lead and honestly I'm just winging it, but I'm not quitting until I'm happy, no matter what it is that causes it.

Excuses excuses excuses

I didn't work out today.  I still eat like crap.  I don't move.  Why?

Because I haven't found IT yet.  That thing that will make me do it for me.  Yes, I do want to lose weight, I want to be healthy, active, thin.  I want to look good on special occasions, weddings, parties, out with friends.  I want to look good for my husband.  I want to be strong. I want my clothes to fit right. I want to go clothes shopping and not paw through the racks of grandma styles because they don't make my fashion in my size. I want to look in the mirror and like what I see.  I'm tired of it. 

But I'm not tired enough to change it?  Why not?  What is it that makes other people jump in? Some are motivated by health scare.  Besides being fat, I'm relatively healthy.  Some are motivated by bullies.  I don't get picked on ever.  Some are motivated by an external desire, to be a body builder or run a marathon.  I don't want to run a marathon.  Who does that? 

I always say that motivation is my biggest problem, and it is. But not the everyday get up and move motivation.  The motivation that means something.  The drive.  I don't have it.  I'd rather sit with a book, drink a beer and snack on chips.  Because that's where I'm comfortable?   Maybe I just don't hate myself enough to change.  Maybe I hate myself to much to care. Maybe I'm just incredibly fucking lazy. I can't figure it out.  I WANT TO make a change.  I want to better myself.

I kind of feel that if I change my outside though, maybe it'll change my inside.  I'm comfortable where I am now, in all my padding.  My barrier from the outside.  The tough skin, it all bounces off, all of the shit thrown at me can never hurt me more than I hurt myself.  But, why wouldn't I want to change that?  That's the part I am struggling with.  A complete and unyielding apathy.

Current weight loss progress: holding steady

Oct 4

I never knew that the numbers on a calender could rip out your heart.  Not until I woke up today and realized what day it was.  It comes around every year.  I know it's coming, because that's how time works, it marches on towards a date that will kick you in the teeth and then it will keep on moving like nothing happened.  Then it comes back around around and sucker punches you in the teeth.  It's a vicious cycle.

It got me today.  A mean whammy.  I woke up thinking I was gonna sail through today and then, BAM, I'm a puddle of tears and snot.  Why?  Because 18 years ago, two of my best friends, two sweet, innocent, beautiful 16 year old girls, were killed in a terrible car accident.  Just like that they were wiped off the face the planet.  Reduced to nothing but a memory.  No longer will we see their faces, hear their voices, laugh at their jokes.  No longer will we be those innocent, if not a little naive, 16 year old girls.

If you think 18 years is a long time to grieve, all you people that are still mad about 9/11 can shove it.  Am I still angry? Yes.  Am I still sad? Yes.  But I remember.  It may seem like I'm dwelling in sorrow, and maybe I am but I also remember.  I will not let them fade into nothing.  I will not forget their faces.

One of them was my best friend.  She got me.  For someone as strange as me, that's a joy.  To have someone in your life who understands you.  I remember the day I met her, vividly.  I remember whispering a joke to her from behind.  Sitting in English making fun of the teacher.  She whipped around, her brown hair flying and looked at me with this incredulous look on her face.  A look that bloomed into a million watt smile.  I smile that hooked me.  Luckily we fell into the same circle and I was granted the ability to spend time with her.  To almost bask in her glow.  We had sleepovers and talked and talked and talked while the others slept.  She was one of the first people who ever just treated me like I wasn't some kind of outcast.  The pretty cheerleader was friends with this crazy, new, strange, punky kid.  My crazy hair and clothes was balaced by her normalcy.  I loved her family and her little house, pale pink with a dark green trim.  Her parents shop, her stories about "home" in Colorado.  A home I visited many times after she died.  Her grandma was an angel.  And I see where she got it.  I was never made to feel odd, or awkward, or strange, or misplaced around her.  I absolutely loved her.  With everything I had.

Luckily when she left me, she left me with others like her.  A group a girls transformed by the light that shone from them.  A bunch of different types meshed.  We were the true breakfast club.  A prep, a nerd, a punk, a princess. We were all the best of friends.  We still are.  Brought together by a loss each of us feels every year.

Thankfully I have that again.  I have a group that stands by me and friends that I love.  People I can pour my soul out to.  People who have heard me laugh and seen me cry.  People have have witnessed both my best and my worst and love me anyways.  Thanks to those two girls so many years ago, I know how to build and keep a strong friendship and I will never ever turn someone away.  I am kinder for their company.

I don't believe in an afterlife, but, I could be wrong.   Sometimes I hope I am because there are so many people I want to see again. Talk to. Listen to.   I just hope you both know you were loved.

Now that today is almost over, I am thinking about what I have to do to make you proud.  Not only you, but my new friends, my close friends.  I vow to be the best me I can be, proud. Strong, fierce, brave, and above all, kind.  Thank you for shaping my life.  Your was cut way to short and our friendship even shorter, but your legacy is everlasting.

I miss you. And I love you.  Always

Hello October

I just recently realized it's been a few days since I've blogged.  My bad.

Here's what's happened in the past few days.  The other night I had taken a shower and was laying on my bed without my knee brace on. I need to let my poor leg breathe every now and then and it was getting irritated by the straps.  So I'm laying there with my feet near the edge of the bed, and my cat decides this would be a fine time to come lay by me, which is usually all well and good, except she is blind and when she jumps she does it with claws out.  Needless to say, she snagged the bottom of my foot.  What did I do?  Well, I did what any normal human would do, I moved away from the threat.  In this case it was a literal knee jerk reaction that resulted in my bending my bad knee (which is supposed to be kept as straight as possibe, to the extent of being put in a locked straight position while I sleep).

Agony ensued.  The pain was insane. Excruciating.  Any other word you can think of for terrible gut wrenching hurt.

I had to take some pills and wait until the pain layer low and put my brace back on.  Later that night I woke up the the worst Charlie horse known to man.  It was so bad I couldn't even put my foot down.  I don't know if it was because of the earlier pain or not.  So basically I've been taking it easy for the rest of the week.  Sadly I have been over compensating and that is causing my right knee to hurt as well.

Basically I've been concentrating on food.  Some days I've been so stuffed I thought I would die.  Some days I've been figuratively starving.  So hungry.  Today was a medium day.  I've been trying to stick to my healthy snacks and eat every few hours, just something little to keep going, but my brain makes me feel like I'm eating non-stop, which would be counterproductive.  I'm going to keep at it and see if I can log another small loss on Monday despite my crazy week.

I have also been looking into programs, seeing what is affordable and what I think would work best for me.  I also need to dig out my dumbells and start on my arms and shoulders since my legs are pretty useless at the moment. 

I decided that if I can get my arms at least moderately toned, I'm going to go in and have my half sleeve tattoo mapped out.   So that's a pretty epic reward.  Time to study some weight lifting.

I promise not to wait so long to blog next time,  sorry to all those who follow.  I'm not done yet.  Let's do this.  Keep moving forward, y'all

200kph in the wrong direction

Ok, I'm not actually sure about it being the wrong direction.   That's just the name of an album I love (200 useless points to anyone who can tell the artist) and I have always wanted to use it for something.

Today I didn't log my food.  Bad me.  I also ate quite a bit but I tried to stay to protien packed filling foods. In fact, my lunch was so awesome and filling (and also pretty packed with protien) that I skipped dinner.  I know, I know, don't skip meals, but seriously yall, I ate at 11 am and I'm still stuffed.  Please don't make me eat again.

Why didn't I log today.  Because I actually have been moving about 90 mph since I woke up this morning.  I thought this was the day that would never end.  We had inventory prep at work (on top of all the normal stuff I do everyday) and I got off late, picked up the kids, went to a boy scout meeting because they HAD to be boy scouts (let me point out here that I am an atheist and against the whole religious aspect of the boy scouts, but who am I to let my religious beliefs, or lack there of, keeps someone from something they so dearly want.  *you see that Kim Davis, that's how it's done*)

But I digress. 

Actually the boys got their first badges today which I admit was kind of unexpected and they are raring to go earn more.  So, it looks like my life will be a bit more active, and that's never a bad thing.

I am not disappointed that I didn't log.  I am not worried if I went over my calories or not.  I will not let little distractions throw me off course.  Tomorrow I will pick back up and start again, with the same vigor I started with today.

I did take my measurements yesterday.  Ugh!  If that doesn't motivate me to work hard I don't know what will.

The down side today (I know some people try to find the joy and goodness in every day, I try to look for the downers for 2 reasons.  1. There can be no good without the bad, it helps me keep my balance and 2. Sometimes when you go back over how bad your day was you realize that it wasn't that bad after all and you can adapt and overcome, well, I can at least)...so the downside is that my knee hurts a lot.  I jarred it pretty good earlier and I think that's causing the ache.  But I've got it iced and elevated and it is not going to stop me!

Weight loss progress: dunno, forgot to weigh in today.  Probably still down.....maybe
Water intake: nearly 100 ounces. 

Now if I can just manage to sleep through the night I will be in the most happiest

Trial and error: day one

I thought I knew what I was doing.  Today is the first "official" day of my weight loss trial.  (And by trial I don't mean that's it's an experiment per se).  I did so much research and even bought all kinds of neat things.  I know it's not going to click all at once, and honestly I'm not even discouraged with today because I AM AWARE.  I see where I went wrong and I know what to tweak and change in the near future.

I started out today 4.2 pounds down from my original weight, so it's not like I've not made progress.  And, again, I know there will be a few little changes to be made here and there, I'm not going to master it on the first day.

The good:  I was not starving at any point today.  I brought my own healthy snacks and severely limited the amount of crap I ate. (I'm a candy addict yall, it's a problem).  I feel as though, once I've gotten my numbers tweaked, this is something I can keep up, which is probably the most important part.

The bad:  I was over my calories  (at least on 2 apps) and my macro numbers were kind of all over. Carbs are still my favorite.  My fats number was pretty spot on, but I was severely lacking in protien.  This is my biggest issue.  I need to up my protien in a big way.  I'm not sure what kind of snacks/meals I need to achieve this and still stay within my range.  Peanut butter?  Maybe?

I plan on taking measurements tonight, because once I start working out, inches are going to become more important than pounds.  While my mac and cheese killed what was left of my food calories (or threw me flying into the abyss of way too much, depending on who's app you are using) I still feel as if today was a good start.  It began with a multivitamin, and a good breakfast and went on from there.  I'm actually pretty excited to try to tweak it tomorrow and see where I end up.  I think this first two weeks will probably be trial and error food wise but so far I'm still losing so it ain't all bad.

Onward and downward

Official weight loss progress, 4.2 pounds.  281.8

Things you learn on a Sunday

Tomorrow begins my official weigh in and weight loss experiment.  Today I learned about counting macros (protien, fat and carbs)  I read more blogs that should even be possible and decided that I am going to cut back on the cardio (when the dr clears me to work out) and do mostly strength training.  Basically I am going to eat ns workout like a body builder.  I'm going to calculate how many calories I need (which is more complicated than it sounds because I've used a number of calculators/apps and I've gotten a different number each time, so that's fun)
I am also going to use a number of apps.  I've downloaded a few.  It will be hectic at first because of all the apps, but I will eventually cut down to just one I really like, or stop using them altogether once I get the hang of it.  My ultimate goal is to be able to just know where I need to be in terms of eating without the electronic assistance.

I did buy a food scale today, along with some protien packed snack items.  I haven't decided what to do with actual meals yet but I'm trying to make one small change at a time so that it's not a huge life upset and throws me into chaos and turmoil.  Basically this week is a test run.

I also played monopoly for the first time today, like legitimately played.  Didn't finish the game but at least I know what to do.

I'm staying up later than usual to go watch this super moon eclipse thing going on.  So that should be pretty damn cool.