The Kindness of Others

Today is Easter.  I should qualify this by saying I am not a Christian.  I'm not for or against any religion, but one thing I do believe in is the idea of "Christian kindness" as it is commonly referred to.  Do unto others.  Karma (I have to believe in Karma, that bitch has a quick turnaround when it comes to me).

I say this because I have lately been in a funk.  I have been feeling down and I didn't know where to turn.  I have very few friends where I am.  I don't talk much to people.  I spend most of my time with just me and the kids, so I rarely have any actual adult conversation.  This is, mostly, my fault.

I have a habit of saying I hate people.  I push people away.  It is a defense mechanism, an armour.  I can't get hurt if there is no one around to hurt me, right?  Ha!  It is also a test.  If I push you away again, and again, and again, but you still keep coming back, it shows me that you want to be my friend.  For some reason you WANT to put up with my shit and stick around.  These are the people I try to surround myself with; people who just refuse to be pushed away.

Turns out, I actually do have A LOT of friends.  None of them live near me, but recently a few have really stepped up, from afar, to be there when I needed them.  I hate for it to sound like "my friends are only around when they need something" or "I only call when I need something from them", that is NOT the case.  It is just that I have to get stuff out of my head.

I come off as a hard ass.  One of those "I don't care what people think" people.  This is not entirely true.  I play the bad guy because everyone loves a good bad guy, right?   I am loud, unapologetic, brutally honest, sarcastic, cynical and not afraid to speak my mind.  I am also loyal, passionate, and caring.  Is it to much to ask for others to be the same? 

As I said before my wild digression, I believe in the idea of human kindness.  Today, I was on the receiving end of some of it and I will be forever thankful for it.  The idea that someone will see that you are down and respond with a kind word and a helping hand instead of ignoring it or pitying me.

This little blog is a big disjointed.  I know that.  When I get to thinking, I just pour it all out, write it down, get it out of my head.  I don't draft a blog, proofread, edit and redraft.  One and done for me, so if this is a little jumpy and hard to understand, I'm sorry.  It is really just a mechanism for me to clear my thoughts so that I don't feel like my head is going to explode. If someone reads it and takes something from it than I feel I have done my part in spreading that kindness, at least a small piece of it.

If more people could be like my friends, this world would be an awesome place.  I am so incredibly thankful right now for the giving hearts of others and the amazing friends that I do have.  Some of them I have known form many years, some I have never even actually "met" in real life.  Each of you is dear to me, and that is why I stopped pushing you away.  Someday I hope to be as good a friend as you have been to me.