I'll Never Forget

Today is the day I've been dreading for months. My incredible, feisty, fun-loving, witty, funny, amazing grandmother has passed away.

I'll never forget the fun times, thousands and thousands of hours spent at your house. Playing in the pasture, that trip to Colorado, family reunions all over the place. Being dumped off a horse in your driveway. Mud fights and firecrackers wars in that same driveway. Horse trough pools, giant trampolines, hay bales, sunflowers and buffalo.

We used to travel. I've taken many trips with you. We've been all over Kansas, Colorado, Missouri, Texas and about a zillion other places. We discovered new countries together when I was little. I've seen almost every cool landmark in the country because of you.

I spent my summers and my Christmas vacations with you, played cards, watched tv, read books, picked berries, built forts, rode horses, fed cows and taunted buffalo. It was at your house that I discovered that, if given enough motivation, I couple of kids can, indeed, jump a 6 foot high fence and outrun a charging buffalo.

You taught me the beauty of books, and was rarely without one. You told me the first joke I can remember and one I tell my kids often (Dwayne the bathtub I'm dwowning). You gave me a hundred awful haircuts. You were always quick with a comeback.

You may have frowned on some of the stupid shit we did, our tattoos, our language, but you never frowned upon us. No matter what we needed, we knew we could find it at grandmas house. Wether it was coloring and hugs when we were younger or liquor and good conversation when we got older.

You were there when my first son was born. Up close and personal. Maybe a little to close for comfort. I was terrified but you kept us laughing the whole time. I never felt like just a kid around you. You had a way of always making me feel like a comfortable equal no matter how old I was.

And now you are gone. You slipped away on the night and were finally relieved of all your pain. I'm going to miss you so terribly much. Seeing you wither away was one of the most painful things I've ever gone through but I'm glad I got to see you those last few times.

I'm not sure if I believe on heaven. I guess that's one of those things i'll find out in time. What am sure of is that, even though your gone, you live on through this incredibly legacy you have built. All your children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren hold a piece of you on those hearts and will continue to tell your story for many years to come.

Rest in peace Gramma.
I love you.

The Saddest Truths

FACT: My grandmother is dying. Slowly. Painfully. Withering away. She's leaving us and its not pleasant.

FACT: I'm not dealing with it well. Who would, right? I can't sleep, ever. I can't eat. I can't concentrate. My grades are slipping. My house is a mess. Frankly I don't give a shit.

I keep remembering the awesome stuff. I remember spending summers at their house. All is kids running around like wild ape children. Her peanut butter cookies with the little fork marks on top. The isn't chalkboard in the kitchen. Donut seeds. Can't get through dinner with out talking about poop. Can't take her anywhere. She's used I be the quirkiest, feistiest lady out there. She would tell it like it is.

She loves Elvis, John Wayne, Conway Twitty. She hates women actors and singers. She used to love to read, always her nose in a book. Hates getting her head wet. Won't go swimming. Pops out her teeth to impress us (among other weird things...don't ask her where her birthmark is)

She's the woman that raised my mom to be tough. To say what she thinks. To not back down. My mom raised me to be the same way. There is a lot of grandma in all of us. Even when she is gone, she will still be here. Every one of us will carry her in our hearts.

I really just wish I could sleep.