New Directions

No, this is not a blog about Glee.  I could probably do that, but now is not the time.  My new directions are phenomenally different, mostly because I can't carry a tune.  For as much as I love music, I was cursed with the inability to master and instrument and a horrible singing voice.  The world played a cruel joke on me.

My new directions are moving towards writing.  Since I lost my job, I have been trying to figure out ways to make money from home, I simply don't have the patience to deal with people.  I need a job where I can work on my own time, and do things my own way.  A very good friend of mine pointed me towards a site that helps freelance writers find work.  So far, I've done fairly well there.  Nothing that will get me rich overnight, but I at least feel like I'm helping with family finances.  I don't make near as much as I would working at a menial, minimum wage job......yet.  I am learning new skills and building a reputation. For the most part, my clients are thrilled with my thorough research, writing skills, and quick turn around. The big plus is that I can work when I want, within reason, and have the ability to be here at home when my kids are sick, or participate in school functions with them.  I have missed way to many school parties because "I had to work".  I'm done with all of that.

It has been hard starting out, mostly because the holidays are upon us, and I am making little money, but I feel confident that as I learn new skills and hone my writing, I'll pick up bigger jobs and make better money.  I also am learning to do a few crafty things that I may be able to sell in the future to help.  Most of all, I am doing something I enjoy, which is a nice change.

I have decided to try my hand at writing a book.  I don't know how it will go, I tend to do better with the more non-fiction things I can research.  I love to focus on details and I feel this will make any fiction attempt of mine far to slow, as far as reading goes.  I'm not sure though.  I have been developing these wonderful characters in my head for some time, but have been loathe to lay them out on paper.  That ended last night. I wrote the first 3 chapters for some of my favorite characters. I'b beginning to realize that choosing my favorites to write about first might be a mistake, because I don't thing there is a plausible way to turn there story into a serial, and I don't know if I will be satisfied with my first attempt enough to have "wasted" my favorites.

I do, however, really fucking like them, so I'm going for it.  I've got a couple of beta readers lined up to help me tweak the flow and movement of the story, as well as read along for errors in spelling and punctuation.  I have been researching how to self publish, in case I ever get to that point.  All in all, I have been working hard.  I had never dreamed of writing for a living, but sometimes your dreams never do become a reality, but your reality can become the stuff of dreams

Inches Matter or a Matter of Inches

Guys!  I can not begin to tell y'all how important it is to ditch that scale and find other ways of measuring your success.  And I say success because that is what you will get.  A slight up fluctuation can send you into a tailspin and make you feel like a failure, that is the problem with weighing daily or weakly.  I can honestly say that I have NO IDEA how much I weigh right now.  While I'm not altogether comfortable with the shape of my body, I'm learning new ways to use it, to change it, alter it to be the body I want it to be.  I don't care much about society standars, I want to be fit, healthy and strong for me.  Ok, mostly for my poor knees, which actually means I will have to weigh less, but that's kind of like an added benefit to this whole thing.

So today, after my kettlebell workout (which totally kicked my butt today,) I went for my usual 3 mile walk.  It rained a bit so I got a little wet.  I mean, that's what happens when you walk out in the rain!  Anyway, when I got home, I noticed my shirt seemed a little longer than usual.  I figured maybe cuz it was wet?  No matter the case I went ahead and did some chores, showered, etc.  The next shirt I put.....also seemingly really long to me.  Maybe I just never noticed they were that long, but I'm pretty sure when I wore these and put my hands over my head, my belly would hang out. "Hello world, look at me, the grotesque underbelly, behold my pale and flabby fabulousness!"  So I did an experiment.

Bet you can't guess what I did....

That's right, I put my arms up.  Simple test right.  Guess what, no mondo  (thanks for that  name Jessica. I'll never forget it.) So what happened?  My shirt did not come up past the button on my jeans!

For some of you, this may be no big deal, but let me tell you the secret of my extrodinarily long torso.  Finding a shirt to fit is nearly impossible,  so I tend to wear men's t shirts....when those ride up over my gut, it makes me sad.  When my favorite t shirts no longer ride high, I feel amazing. 

I decided to unofficially take my measurements.  I'm down at least 1/4 to a half inch in most of the areas, and something like almost 8 inches in my waist.  I swear I must have measured wrong before because I don't feel like I've burned that much fat away, and I'm still really big, but the changes are happening. 

So don't be discouraged by the scale. Remember there are other ways to measure your changes, even if they aren't so concrete.  Remember, the more inches you move, the more inches you lose.  Am I right? 

My New Life....So Far

You guys, I have sooooo much time on my hands.  It's freaking awesome.  Last week I cleaned one room every day.  My house is so clean now.  Then I worked out.  Literally every day I did a work out. I even went for hour long walks.  Why? Because I have time to!!

Basically, I'm liking this stay at home thing.  I have found a few legitimate jobs online as a freelance writer, so I'm testing my chops there.  Maybe I can make a full-time go of it.  Who knows?

I feel like I am much more involved in life now.  I get to actually see my husband daily since I don't work while he is home now.  That is such a nice thing.  When I take the kids to school, I am up early, and able to actually get things accomplished.  I check in at "work" see if there's any thing that interests me and then I work out, clean, work on projects, you know, whatever the hell I want.

I feel as though I'm repeating myself, sorry, I'm excited.

Last week we decided to try to grocery shop more frugally, buy things that we can make last longer so we spend less per month at the store.  I don't think we've mastered it quite yet, but we will get there.  I think our first trip was rather successful (Hubs may think otherwise, he is such a downer sometimes).

I am not sure if I want to look for part-time work locally to fill the hours/help out with the bills or focus on doing what makes me happy.  It's a fine line and it's hard to know where the tipping point is.  I reckon I'll keep on keeping on where I'm at for now and see how it pans out.  I am loathe to make plans because, to be perfectly honest, NOTHING EVER WORKS OUT AS PLANNED!  Ever!

I have physical therapy this week.  Gee, that will be fun.  At least I'll get a good workout in that day, right?  Is that the bright side?  Maybe they have a scale.  I'm not sure if I want to get on it though, because what if I haven't lost any weight?  Despite working my ass off and trying to eat moderately, what if I'm stuck before I ever got going?  Stuff of nightmares, that is.

Since I have so much time, I may try my hand at crochet again.  My brother is making me look bad with his mastery of the art.  Can't have that now, can we?

I promise to try to update more often, but really what you've just read is my life.  I have no real wisdom to impart, just popping in to say that if you follow me, thank you.  Don't give up on me, I'm not giving up on myself.  You should follow suit.  You are a rock star in your own right.

Cheers!

On a whim

So most of you probably don't know (because I don't make a habit of putting my personal shit out there *snicker* yeah right) but I have not been working this week. 

You see I did something incredibly stupid at work on Monday and it has, by my own actions, caused me to have to be put on administrative leave until it can be sorted, if it can be sorted.  Again, this was my own doing and while I feel like a complete idiot about it, no point in dwelling because, as Dorothy says in the Return to Oz, "It can't be helped, Jack".  So I am doing the best I can with what I've got.

As you may have probably guessed, not working means no income (the biggest chink in my armour, especially with holidays right around the corner)  geez, I could kick myself for not thinking through my actions....

Anywho, as my husband and I were debating what to do and how to keep from drowning in debt (as if we weren't already in danger of that!) I have decided to try to live as frugally as possible, get out of debt and try to make a go at it on his income.  You know, in case I'm not allowed to return to work. (If I am allowed to return, it would also be an advantageous move to get us out of debt so really it's kind of win/win)

Now, here is the trick, did you know you have to make have money to make money, and you have to make money to save money.  It's a vicious cycle really. 

That will not stop me.  In fact I kind of look forward to the challenge.  It will not be easy, not by any means, but if we buckle down and work as a team, I think we can make it happen.  I told the hubs that I bet we could be completely debt free in 5 years (really I think, besides the house mortgage, we can probably beat that, but let's not get hasty).

So, essentially,  if you see me struggling, remind me of the good of this plan, no debt, more time with my kids, less over all stress, the ability to actually get things accomplished (won't that be nice).

I really hope I am allowed to return to work, I mean I really like my job, and despite my temporary stupidity, I think I am a fairly good employee.  I guess I just wait and see how the cards lay at the end.  In the mean time, scrimp, save, buckle down, research, learn, apply, tweak, repeat.  We can do this!

One day, one step, at a time

I did it.  I joined weight watchers.  So far is basically a simplified calorie counter but the site has a bunch of cool info and blogs and things so I may stick there for a bit.

Now, why join weight watchers when I just told yall that I don't want to focus on weight loss but building muscles and health?

Because I have to start somewhere.  I know it's kind of counter intuitive to work on cutting caloric intake when weight lifters eat a lot.  Like A LOT.  But I'm not a weight lifter, yet.  Weights and equipment are expensive and I have only a few dumbells to work with at this point so I'll work on trimming down and slowly incorporate weight training as I go along.  It will change my eating pattern so I'll have to figure that out when I get there.  That's still my ultimate goal.

In other news, it's such a nice day outside I decided to gp for a walk.  Wanted to try out my knee and get as much work out of it as I can until the surgery puts me out of commission.  I took my dog, Elliott with me, because, let's face it, he's kinda fat too.

I found a pretty cool workout app on my phone, it just comes with the phone, way to go android.  Anyway, it's got options like light walk, brisk walk, jog, etc etc.  I chose light walk, how could it be.

I'm not embarrassed to admit that it was harder than I thought.  I used to run 3-4 miles a day and now I can barely walk 2 in 30 minutes. (1.7 to be exact, but my route didn't take me back home straight away so I had to finish it out) 

Am I frustrated and angry with myself?

Nope, as a matter of fact I found my self smiling away during the last leg of my walk.  My knee held out, doesn't even hurt really, the walk was nice, a little hard, but it's the first one so I know it'll get better.  I realized that parts of my neighborhood are beautiful this time of year, the leaves changing, the weather was so nice.  Even though I was breathing hard, sweating, and getting tired, I still outlasted Elliott, who slowed down significantly halfway through. Despite the slow pace and the trouble I had JUST WALKING, I thoroughly enjoyed myself.  It was quiet and relaxing and gave me time to just chill and think.

I will never discount a good walk again.

The one problem I have discovered with being hooked up with weight watchers is, for obvious reasons, it is based on weigh ins. 

I don't have a scale......

Do I buy a decent scale or check in periodically on an outsourced scale?

I dunno.  Oh well, one more thing to figure out as I go

Torn

So, last post I decided to dump all the weight loss downers and focus on lifting weights and getting stonger. 

I've not made much progress (besides some amazing reading, seriously why can't reading burn calories, I'd be a total waif)

I did throw out my scale.  I don't need that kind of negativity in my life.

But, I digress.  Here is my current issue.  I still kinda want to lose weight.  Trim down, and at a fair clip I might add.  But I also want to be stronger. I want to lift, I actually think I would enjoy it.  It's very controlled and requires focus.  The problem is, in my mass amounts of reading it always seems as if it's one of the other.  Like you can't do both.

You see weight lifters eat.  A lot.  Because they get hungry. A lot. 

But in order to lose weight you have to cut calories, right?

So, there's my issue.  I'm considering joining weight watchers, just to see of I like it and I have some success.  I think if I lost just a bit at the front end, it would motivate me to be more active in it.  Right now I'm kind of stuck one the "meh, I'm fat anyways, let's just chill" mode.  Not cool.

In other news, my knee is free from the brace. I feel like dancing and jumping and sometimes even running (nah let's not get that far ahead of ourselves)  I have a surgical consult in two weeks and probably shortly after that will be having surgery.  So that will be fun.

Also, I sleep better.   And that's awesome.

Current progress: No idea.  Threw my scale away remember.

Wait. Current progress: happier

Moving on, one step at a time

Today, oh today.  Monday!  Whew Monday!

I'm not sure where I'm going with this.

I've been reading a lot (ha, like I ALWAYS read a lot) about weight loss and changing the way we eat, exercise, even see food.  I've pretty much decided to throw out my scale.  The thing is a minion of Satan and I just don't need that kind of negativity in my life.

I haven't thrown it out uet, but just deciding to has already take a huge load off.  Seriously so much less stress already.  So far so good.

Now, what do I do?  I've decided to not "diet".  Well, here's what's next...

I don't want to lose weight. I don't want to be thin.

I know, I know, WHAT?!?!

What I want is to be HEALTHY and STRONG. 

I recently talked to a friend of mine who is kind of a workout guru. She and her husband are super into fitness, so I asked her to help.  She is putting together a SUSTAINABLE meal plan for me, leaving room for my taco and pizza  nights.  And my oreos, let's not forget the cookie of all cookies.

She is also going to suggest some weight lifting and yoga exercises, stuff that I think I may actually enjoy. 

I did a lot of soul searching and think I'll enjoy these workouts more than solid, backbreaking, monotonous cardio all the time because these exercises require focus.  You have to concentrate on form and pay attention, and they are slower and relatively low impact.

I am not fast.

So, I'm still going to eat better and work out, which means I will probably end up losing weight and being thin, it's kind of a side effect really.  Finally a side effect I can deal with!!

So, in short (hehe) if you have any suggestions on fun "exercises" or activities for fat, broken (and relatively broke) people, please suggest something.  I'm always up for trying new things. 

Now I'm going to go slowly work my way up to pushups.  One day at a time yall, one at a time.

Hello October

I just recently realized it's been a few days since I've blogged.  My bad.

Here's what's happened in the past few days.  The other night I had taken a shower and was laying on my bed without my knee brace on. I need to let my poor leg breathe every now and then and it was getting irritated by the straps.  So I'm laying there with my feet near the edge of the bed, and my cat decides this would be a fine time to come lay by me, which is usually all well and good, except she is blind and when she jumps she does it with claws out.  Needless to say, she snagged the bottom of my foot.  What did I do?  Well, I did what any normal human would do, I moved away from the threat.  In this case it was a literal knee jerk reaction that resulted in my bending my bad knee (which is supposed to be kept as straight as possibe, to the extent of being put in a locked straight position while I sleep).

Agony ensued.  The pain was insane. Excruciating.  Any other word you can think of for terrible gut wrenching hurt.

I had to take some pills and wait until the pain layer low and put my brace back on.  Later that night I woke up the the worst Charlie horse known to man.  It was so bad I couldn't even put my foot down.  I don't know if it was because of the earlier pain or not.  So basically I've been taking it easy for the rest of the week.  Sadly I have been over compensating and that is causing my right knee to hurt as well.

Basically I've been concentrating on food.  Some days I've been so stuffed I thought I would die.  Some days I've been figuratively starving.  So hungry.  Today was a medium day.  I've been trying to stick to my healthy snacks and eat every few hours, just something little to keep going, but my brain makes me feel like I'm eating non-stop, which would be counterproductive.  I'm going to keep at it and see if I can log another small loss on Monday despite my crazy week.

I have also been looking into programs, seeing what is affordable and what I think would work best for me.  I also need to dig out my dumbells and start on my arms and shoulders since my legs are pretty useless at the moment. 

I decided that if I can get my arms at least moderately toned, I'm going to go in and have my half sleeve tattoo mapped out.   So that's a pretty epic reward.  Time to study some weight lifting.

I promise not to wait so long to blog next time,  sorry to all those who follow.  I'm not done yet.  Let's do this.  Keep moving forward, y'all

200kph in the wrong direction

Ok, I'm not actually sure about it being the wrong direction.   That's just the name of an album I love (200 useless points to anyone who can tell the artist) and I have always wanted to use it for something.

Today I didn't log my food.  Bad me.  I also ate quite a bit but I tried to stay to protien packed filling foods. In fact, my lunch was so awesome and filling (and also pretty packed with protien) that I skipped dinner.  I know, I know, don't skip meals, but seriously yall, I ate at 11 am and I'm still stuffed.  Please don't make me eat again.

Why didn't I log today.  Because I actually have been moving about 90 mph since I woke up this morning.  I thought this was the day that would never end.  We had inventory prep at work (on top of all the normal stuff I do everyday) and I got off late, picked up the kids, went to a boy scout meeting because they HAD to be boy scouts (let me point out here that I am an atheist and against the whole religious aspect of the boy scouts, but who am I to let my religious beliefs, or lack there of, keeps someone from something they so dearly want.  *you see that Kim Davis, that's how it's done*)

But I digress. 

Actually the boys got their first badges today which I admit was kind of unexpected and they are raring to go earn more.  So, it looks like my life will be a bit more active, and that's never a bad thing.

I am not disappointed that I didn't log.  I am not worried if I went over my calories or not.  I will not let little distractions throw me off course.  Tomorrow I will pick back up and start again, with the same vigor I started with today.

I did take my measurements yesterday.  Ugh!  If that doesn't motivate me to work hard I don't know what will.

The down side today (I know some people try to find the joy and goodness in every day, I try to look for the downers for 2 reasons.  1. There can be no good without the bad, it helps me keep my balance and 2. Sometimes when you go back over how bad your day was you realize that it wasn't that bad after all and you can adapt and overcome, well, I can at least)...so the downside is that my knee hurts a lot.  I jarred it pretty good earlier and I think that's causing the ache.  But I've got it iced and elevated and it is not going to stop me!

Weight loss progress: dunno, forgot to weigh in today.  Probably still down.....maybe
Water intake: nearly 100 ounces. 

Now if I can just manage to sleep through the night I will be in the most happiest