Challenging me

Today is the Fourth of July. The birthday of the nation. A day for celebrating freedom. So I chose today to start my challenge.  I am going to set myself free. On the surface it mayb look like just another weight loss journey but, as I learned last time I lost weight,  it is much more than that. It is quite literally setting myself free. Free from uncomfortable clothes. Free from embarassment about how I look. Freedom from the constraints of an overweight body on my limbs and lungs.

I am going to challenge myself for a whole year. It seems easier to me to have a "stop" date because last time I just got burnt out thinking about how it was a lifetime thing. So I am putting it here as a kind of accountability

I am going to try to post daily, not just stats but my feelings,  concerns, food and really anything else that occurs to me along the way. If you dont want to read it, dont. I do however hope that someone will take something away from it.

I was on a site and I made many frienda there but for some reason it never made me feel accountable to myself. It got to be more of a social site than a tool. I will continue to use site for tracking but will most likely avoid the boards and forums.

So here it is. Day 1

Today I weighed in at 250 exactly. When I first started a few years ago, I was 270. I eventually got down to 190 and was content. I felt good, thought I looked good and was happy. I think maybe a got a little complacent and then when I started gaining weight I just said fuck it.

This time im going to avoid that.  Im going to eat better.  Im going to try some easy exercises, and actually work out a plan instead of just winging it.

Of course the only thing ive eaten so far today was a whataburger meal and some gummy bears. Off to a rough start :/

Its ok. I got this.

I'll Never Forget

Today is the day I've been dreading for months. My incredible, feisty, fun-loving, witty, funny, amazing grandmother has passed away.

I'll never forget the fun times, thousands and thousands of hours spent at your house. Playing in the pasture, that trip to Colorado, family reunions all over the place. Being dumped off a horse in your driveway. Mud fights and firecrackers wars in that same driveway. Horse trough pools, giant trampolines, hay bales, sunflowers and buffalo.

We used to travel. I've taken many trips with you. We've been all over Kansas, Colorado, Missouri, Texas and about a zillion other places. We discovered new countries together when I was little. I've seen almost every cool landmark in the country because of you.

I spent my summers and my Christmas vacations with you, played cards, watched tv, read books, picked berries, built forts, rode horses, fed cows and taunted buffalo. It was at your house that I discovered that, if given enough motivation, I couple of kids can, indeed, jump a 6 foot high fence and outrun a charging buffalo.

You taught me the beauty of books, and was rarely without one. You told me the first joke I can remember and one I tell my kids often (Dwayne the bathtub I'm dwowning). You gave me a hundred awful haircuts. You were always quick with a comeback.

You may have frowned on some of the stupid shit we did, our tattoos, our language, but you never frowned upon us. No matter what we needed, we knew we could find it at grandmas house. Wether it was coloring and hugs when we were younger or liquor and good conversation when we got older.

You were there when my first son was born. Up close and personal. Maybe a little to close for comfort. I was terrified but you kept us laughing the whole time. I never felt like just a kid around you. You had a way of always making me feel like a comfortable equal no matter how old I was.

And now you are gone. You slipped away on the night and were finally relieved of all your pain. I'm going to miss you so terribly much. Seeing you wither away was one of the most painful things I've ever gone through but I'm glad I got to see you those last few times.

I'm not sure if I believe on heaven. I guess that's one of those things i'll find out in time. What am sure of is that, even though your gone, you live on through this incredibly legacy you have built. All your children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren hold a piece of you on those hearts and will continue to tell your story for many years to come.

Rest in peace Gramma.
I love you.

The Saddest Truths

FACT: My grandmother is dying. Slowly. Painfully. Withering away. She's leaving us and its not pleasant.

FACT: I'm not dealing with it well. Who would, right? I can't sleep, ever. I can't eat. I can't concentrate. My grades are slipping. My house is a mess. Frankly I don't give a shit.

I keep remembering the awesome stuff. I remember spending summers at their house. All is kids running around like wild ape children. Her peanut butter cookies with the little fork marks on top. The isn't chalkboard in the kitchen. Donut seeds. Can't get through dinner with out talking about poop. Can't take her anywhere. She's used I be the quirkiest, feistiest lady out there. She would tell it like it is.

She loves Elvis, John Wayne, Conway Twitty. She hates women actors and singers. She used to love to read, always her nose in a book. Hates getting her head wet. Won't go swimming. Pops out her teeth to impress us (among other weird things...don't ask her where her birthmark is)

She's the woman that raised my mom to be tough. To say what she thinks. To not back down. My mom raised me to be the same way. There is a lot of grandma in all of us. Even when she is gone, she will still be here. Every one of us will carry her in our hearts.

I really just wish I could sleep.

The Kindness of Others

Today is Easter.  I should qualify this by saying I am not a Christian.  I'm not for or against any religion, but one thing I do believe in is the idea of "Christian kindness" as it is commonly referred to.  Do unto others.  Karma (I have to believe in Karma, that bitch has a quick turnaround when it comes to me).

I say this because I have lately been in a funk.  I have been feeling down and I didn't know where to turn.  I have very few friends where I am.  I don't talk much to people.  I spend most of my time with just me and the kids, so I rarely have any actual adult conversation.  This is, mostly, my fault.

I have a habit of saying I hate people.  I push people away.  It is a defense mechanism, an armour.  I can't get hurt if there is no one around to hurt me, right?  Ha!  It is also a test.  If I push you away again, and again, and again, but you still keep coming back, it shows me that you want to be my friend.  For some reason you WANT to put up with my shit and stick around.  These are the people I try to surround myself with; people who just refuse to be pushed away.

Turns out, I actually do have A LOT of friends.  None of them live near me, but recently a few have really stepped up, from afar, to be there when I needed them.  I hate for it to sound like "my friends are only around when they need something" or "I only call when I need something from them", that is NOT the case.  It is just that I have to get stuff out of my head.

I come off as a hard ass.  One of those "I don't care what people think" people.  This is not entirely true.  I play the bad guy because everyone loves a good bad guy, right?   I am loud, unapologetic, brutally honest, sarcastic, cynical and not afraid to speak my mind.  I am also loyal, passionate, and caring.  Is it to much to ask for others to be the same? 

As I said before my wild digression, I believe in the idea of human kindness.  Today, I was on the receiving end of some of it and I will be forever thankful for it.  The idea that someone will see that you are down and respond with a kind word and a helping hand instead of ignoring it or pitying me.

This little blog is a big disjointed.  I know that.  When I get to thinking, I just pour it all out, write it down, get it out of my head.  I don't draft a blog, proofread, edit and redraft.  One and done for me, so if this is a little jumpy and hard to understand, I'm sorry.  It is really just a mechanism for me to clear my thoughts so that I don't feel like my head is going to explode. If someone reads it and takes something from it than I feel I have done my part in spreading that kindness, at least a small piece of it.

If more people could be like my friends, this world would be an awesome place.  I am so incredibly thankful right now for the giving hearts of others and the amazing friends that I do have.  Some of them I have known form many years, some I have never even actually "met" in real life.  Each of you is dear to me, and that is why I stopped pushing you away.  Someday I hope to be as good a friend as you have been to me.

The Pretty and the Painful of Being a Pit Bull Owner

I don't know if y'all know this, but I am a pit bull owner.  I have had one, Neela, for 10 years and have recently aquired another, Bettie, from a shelter.  Along with my two kids and my other little dog, Louie, I am fairly busy!

I wanted to take a minute and put in my two cents about pit bulls.   They are simply awesome!  I do, however, think you have to take that statement with some backstory.

Before I had a pit bull, I believed all the crap about them being no good, aggressive, fighting dogs who were looking for trouble.  This is totally not the case.  Sure they can be aggressive, but so can any other dog.  I swear I have been bitten by more chihuahuas and daschunds than pit bulls EVER, but because a pit bull has the potential to cause more damage and a tenacity to complete a task, they are considered much more dangerous.  This, of course, sadly, is true.  However, a well trained, cared for pit bull is really no more dangerous than your average small dog.  If owners are aware of what thier dogs are capable of, and are prepared to deal with the consequences of ownership, then I say that a pit is the best pet you could ever ask for.

As I said, I was aware of the stigma and I believed the hype.  What did I do to combat it?  I may have overtrained Neela.  She knows signals and commands that I have not even bothered with for Louie, and if we are out walking, when another dog walks by, Neela and I move to one side and I make her sit in the grass until they pass.  I wouldn't say I've taken all the fight out of her (in fact, I know this to be false) but I am constantly aware of what she is doing. I do not leave her unattended for long.  In fact, she is such a spoiled baby, she almost never leaves my side.

Now I have Bettie.  Apparently, introducing another female pitbull is not the best thing to do.  Neela is almost 10, she is old and set in her ways.  Bettie is young, fiesty, untrained (for the most part, but that, I assure you, is temporary), and very energetic.  She is also a lover and wants to be on my lap.  I think Neela is a bit jealous and with good reason.

When I first got them together, they were fine for a bit, then they really got into it.  I mean a full on fight.  I didn't have a break stick (because they are illegal in most places and are not sold), so when Neela had Bettie around the neck, I did the next best thing I could think of.  I gritted my teeth and stuck my hand in Neelas mouth.  I got bit.  However, because of my training and preparedness, when I said "ow!" and she let go immediatly and ran to the other side of the yard.

Why?

Because when she was a pup, I would "fight" with her.  If she bit, or scratched and I said "ow" she had to stop playing and go to "time out" sitting in the far corner.  Some people think this is just a plain ol' stupid dog trick, but it definitely saved my finger or hand that day.  I hurt like hell, but all my digits were intact.   Because Bettie is not as well trained, if she had been "winning" this particular battle, I would not have stuck my hand in there and things could have gone very bad for Neela.

After a weeks more seperation (with a few supervised, in the doorway sniffs) I decided to try getting them together again. We rigged a pen out back and put Bettie into it and then let Neela out back.  Neela, as it turns out, has absolutely no interest in Bettie.  I though Neela, who is old and grumpy, was my problem, but all she wants is to be left alone!  She did come sniff through the chain link, and gave a few low growls (which she was reprimanded for).  After about 20 minutes of this, I got leashes for both and brought Bettie out to go back to her room.  There were no growls, no fighting, and because they were restrained, no jumping.

I think we are making progress.   I guess the whole point of this post is that people should remember that a dog is in fact a dog.  The do doggy things and live by thier own set of dog rules.  They can not be trusted to do the right thing, they, like children, have to be taught and conditioned. 

Pit bulls can be hard to own, they take a lot of time and patience.  Like children, they can drive you absolutely batty, but when they look at you with that big, drooly grin, you forget all the irritation and just give them a big ol' hug.

I wish people would lay off the pit bull and just let them be loved like any other pet.

Cars

Today I went to a car show. Renewed my interest in my poor scout. I really need to get it up and running. Lately it has been in the forefront of my mind. I got it tagged recently (as in the last week) as an antique which means that I can only drive it to and from car shows. Sad but true is that It may not even get that far. My hubs saw three scouts at the car show today and I got a chance to ask around about some parts that I need. I got a few hook ups and that is just awesome. Hopefully by the time the tags are up in 2018 I will have it ready to be a daily badass driver.

New things

Haven blogged in awhile. Life seriously gets in the way of my sit down and empty my head time. Just a few updates:

My sister in law is working with shelters and rescue groups to try to get animals out of the shelter that no one wants. Animals that are either sick or have just ran out of time. Of course she found an amazingly beautiful pit bull mix and I, again of course, adopted her. She has heartworms and had a cough that we have since taken care of. The worms are an expensive fox but she is so incredibly beautiful and sweet that she is totally worth it! Now if she would just get along with out other pit bull. Or rather, if Neela would get along with her. Bettie could care less. She loves everyone.

I realized I have "been blogging" on and off for almost a year. The event that prompted my sewing parts of the blog is coming up. My cousin is throwing her sons his annual birthday theme party. These have been so fun on the past and really make me stretch my creativity (and my thriftyness) so I really look forward to it. This year the theme is Harry Potter and I get to be Bellatrix LeStrange. This is stupid exciting because I love Harry potter, especially crazy Bellatrix. I mean, Helena Bonham Carter....Come on!!