I haven't written a blog in a while, but I have had something on my mind for some time and I need to get it out.
My name is Molly and I struggle with a negative self image.
In fact, I find myself nitpicking things about myself that are so ridiculously dumb. A couple of years ago I lost almost 80 pounds. Now I have gained most back and I hate it, but for some reason I feel compelled to just live with it instead of going out and changing it.
I'm just so freaking tired of everything.
I'm tired of work.
I'm tired of school.
I'm tired of working out.
I'm tired of homework.
I'm tired of knitting.
I'm tired of cooking.
I'm tired of cleaning.
I'm so very, very tired.
Here's the thing. I LOVE working out. I love to dance *even though I'm terrible at it*, I love to jump around the room like an idiot, singing at the top of my lungs and basically rocking out. I love it. But I don't do it.
I LOVE to run. I love the feeling of accomplishment after a good run. I love the ground under my feet, my heart pounding in my chest, fresh air in my lungs. But I don't do it.
I LOVE learning new things. I love cracking a book and losing myself for hours. I love trying my hand at a new task and just seeing what I can accomplish. Even if I fail, at least I have something to show for it. But I don't do it.
Why don't I do these things? Not because I fear what others will think of me. Isn't that silly. I could care less what others think of me. I'm sure some people think I'm crazy, some think I'm a stone cold bitch and some think I'm super nice. Fine.
I don't do these things because of what they make ME think of myself. How can I not give a rip what others think, but be so afraid of what I think. I am constantly telling people not to hate. Not to hate others because of their race, religion, sexual orientation, but still I HATE. Sure it's all aimed at me, but hate is hate, right?
I hate my hair, I hate my body, I hate my face, my attitude, my outlook, my actions, my anger, my laugh. I'm so full of self-loathing and to what end?
I have spent so long changing little things about me, trying to find the me I like. Change my hair color, cut, clothes, weight.... on and on. Still nothing. Why is this? Because I won't like the outside me until I like the inside me.
Today I take a stand:
I will do the things I love.
I will sing and dance.
I will tell myself only the good things I see in the mirror.
I will hug my family when I feel like it.
I will walk my dog.
I will BBQ and play in the pool.
I will RUN.
I will sew.
I will knit.
I will read.
I will learn.
I will love.
I am done with hating myself. I don't have time for that! We only get this one shot at life and it's way to short to live it in hatred.